Our "Win A Date With Marnie Stern" Application
Hey, boys, check out this press release: Marnie Stern's on the market!
WIN A RELEASE DATE DATE! Win An All-Expenses Paid Date With Marnie Stern On The Day of Her Album Release: March 19
Hipster guys, are you tired of seeing Marnie Stern have relationships with an endless array of losers and bores? Don't you think a guitarist as great as Marnie should have someone special to watch Law and Order SVU with? Do you enjoy petting dogs while eating chicken wings? And honestly, don't you think a nice, positively cute, 30-something Jewish girl should meet the man of her dreams? We sure do!
If you live in the New York City area (no long-distance beaus please) and are not a total creep/stalker (we will KNOW if you are), please send an email with your answers to the application questions below, your favorite Marnie song, and a recent photo of yourself. Marnie's record label will pay for this date, but you're paying for the next one!
Age, religion, and race are not a factor, but a sense of humor is critical. Marnie's ideal man is a homebody who doesn't mind that his girlfriend is out of town on tour a lot, and is not a drug addict, a slacker, or a vegan.
Have no fear, Marnie: your streak of losers and bores isn't over yet! With gentle prodding from my editor, I've decided to submit myself as the perfect candidate: I'm not a vegan, I'm not a creep and I'm not, uh, currently seeking treatment for any drug addictions. I am a long-distance beau, but I trust we can work through that.
Email: email@example.com (please don't email me unless you're Marnie Stern or a similarly desperate single)
Age: I'm also 30.
Location: San Francisco, California, but I have excellent phone manners and I'd consider relocating based on the quality of Marnie Stern's couch.
Height: 6'1" in shoes, but this being the first question is making me a little suspicious. What is this, my Playmate Data Sheet? I'm not a piece of meat, Marnie Stern, and I don't need you fetishizing my slightly-above-average height. And if you insist on it, it's only fair that I get to fetishize one weird thing about you. It's going to be your sweaters; I'm going to stretch them the hell out and you're going to hate it. Are you happy now?
Are you gainfully employed? Elaborate. I'm not sure I'd call it "gainful"-- certainly not "elaborate"-- but I'm an employed and self-sustaining writer with lots of prestigious freelance jobs in the online-only sections of publications that should know better.