Our "Win A Date With Marnie Stern" Application
What are your hobbies/interests? Video games, drinking, lying down, emotional unavailability, making fun of the less fortunate, frivolity, stretching out your sweaters.
What qualities do you most enjoy in a woman? Definitely sick fingertap solos, but I'll settle for the usual male desires: compassion; sense of humor (but not better than mine); good taste in music; independent wealth; willingness to cut my hair because I'm scared of scissors and too embarrassed to cry in front of the barber.
List any anti-depressants you currently take: I only take four antidepressants, Marnie: Michael, Micky, Peter and Davy (RIP), administered at high volumes 24/7. If you can't hang with The Monkees during my darkest hours, which are all the time, then you can take a walk, sister.
What do you know about Marnie and why do you want to date her? I know that she's a musician who is acclaimed for her guitar work, and I'm pretty sure I heard one of her songs once. I want to date her because didn't the thing say you'll pay for it?
What would your most recent ex-girlfriend say about you? Can we get her email? Wait, does "ex" mean the one I'm currently living with who will probably throw me out if I fly across the country for a date with Marnie Stern? Because she's probably going to be a little steamed about that, so you might want to let her cool off for a little bit before you email her. And if you mean the one before that... let's give her some time to cool off too.
Where would you take Marnie on a first date and why? Excuse me? I believe the ad said the record label was paying for this whole thing, so I won't be taking Marnie anywhere. But when it's my turn to pay, I promise to be a perfect gentleman: I'll take her somewhere super cheap-- like Arby's-- so she won't be out too much cash when I pretend to have forgotten my wallet.