Our "Win A Date With Marnie Stern" Application

When/how long was your last relationship? Well technically it's still going on, but my current girlfriend doesn't know how to shred. And supposing she can shred, she's been hiding it from me! Isn't a secret that significant arguably even worse than not being able to shred, Marnie? Who's the real "cheater" here?

What are your hobbies/interests? Video games, drinking, lying down, emotional unavailability, making fun of the less fortunate, frivolity, stretching out your sweaters.

What qualities do you most enjoy in a woman? Definitely sick fingertap solos, but I'll settle for the usual male desires: compassion; sense of humor (but not better than mine); good taste in music; independent wealth; willingness to cut my hair because I'm scared of scissors and too embarrassed to cry in front of the barber.

List any anti-depressants you currently take: I only take four antidepressants, Marnie: Michael, Micky, Peter and Davy (RIP), administered at high volumes 24/7. If you can't hang with The Monkees during my darkest hours, which are all the time, then you can take a walk, sister.

What do you know about Marnie and why do you want to date her? I know that she's a musician who is acclaimed for her guitar work, and I'm pretty sure I heard one of her songs once. I want to date her because didn't the thing say you'll pay for it?

What would your most recent ex-girlfriend say about you? Can we get her email? Wait, does "ex" mean the one I'm currently living with who will probably throw me out if I fly across the country for a date with Marnie Stern? Because she's probably going to be a little steamed about that, so you might want to let her cool off for a little bit before you email her. And if you mean the one before that... let's give her some time to cool off too.

Where would you take Marnie on a first date and why? Excuse me? I believe the ad said the record label was paying for this whole thing, so I won't be taking Marnie anywhere. But when it's my turn to pay, I promise to be a perfect gentleman: I'll take her somewhere super cheap-- like Arby's-- so she won't be out too much cash when I pretend to have forgotten my wallet.

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