These Artists Should Sell Coffins As Merch

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Sorry to throw salt in your New Year's revelry, but as something begins, so too something ends. And that makes us think about death. Because we're sick. And practical. Sickly practical. Practically sick.

ANYWAY, the imminence of death begs an essential question: how will you be buried? It's never too early to start thinking about feathering your final resting place in style. After all, it will be your last opportunity for personal expression. Unfortunately, there is a dearth of music-themed coffins. Apart from the famous KISS Kasket (in which the late Dimebag Darrell now rests), music fans are limited to the few caskets and urns that can tastefully accommodate stickers and posters of the artists with whom they wish to spend eternity. The Egyptians buried their pharaohs with gold and cats. We, too, want to surround our remains with idols. More music artists should sell coffins as merch. These five, for instance...


5. Miley Cyrus
The Miley Cyrus coffin comes in two styles: the Miley Stewart and the Hannah Montana. Patterned after the dual personalities of Cyrus's roles on her Disney TV show, these choices are particularly suitable for anyone whose sunny childhood ended with too many bong hits. For an additional cost, "Party in the U.S.A." will play whenever the coffin is opened, lending a sense of fun to any future exhumation.


4. Alice Cooper
It's hard to believe Alice hasn't created this already. (He beheads himself every show.) We imagine this coffin is themed circa his Billion Dollar Babies era; naturally, "I Love the Dead" is inscribed on the outside, and the inside is lined with snakeskin. Superfans may opt in for the retro "Love It to Death" upgrade, which includes drippy black eye makeup applied to one's corpse as well as a top hat and cane. Truly "sick things" may select either a black widow spider or a python to provide companionship in the hereafter.


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