50 Things To Know About Austin Before SXSW

Categories: SXSW

I love Austin. It's simultaneously wonderful and totally infuriating. The city meets every cliché about it almost effortlessly, to the point where the onslaught of weirdness can be almost numbing. I once saw a unicycle brigade spin down the street, and it honestly took like 15 minutes until I realized the profound absurdity of what had happened. SXSW only accentuates those gloriously bizarre thrills, and that's why it's one of my favorite times of the year. So I've taken the time to compile a list of 50 things you ought to know about my home town before the big week. Use it to better blend in with the locals.

See also: Why We'll All Try to See Justin Timberlake at SXSW, and Why That's Completely Wrong

1. Austin has banned single-use plastic bags throughout the whole city, so bring a tote.

2. The waterways and sewers of Austin have been entirely replaced with locally-brewed kombucha.

3. Every Jimmy Johns delivery driver is secretly a drug dealer in disguise.

4. The sausage/beer/side lunch combo at Bangers is low-key one of the best deals in the city.

5. Kerbey Lane is actually not that good outside of the pancakes. Stay away from the gourmet stuff.

6. The sound in the Mohawk is severely watered-down on the upper balcony. Make sure to stay on the ground level if you can.

7. Every Austin resident is governmentally obliged to play you in four-square if you offer a four-square challenge.

8. Austin is the first city in Texas to elect a bowl of quinoa to city council.

9. The Whole Foods Headquarters is more majestic and intimidating than Augustan Rome and the Death Star combined.

10. The East Side is being rapidly gentrified and you are part of the overwhelming economic subjugation when you go to shows there.

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11. Our service-industry jobs are entirely occupied by white girls with tattoos. It is estimated that 56.8 million cups of coffee are sold by white girls with tattoos every year in Austin.

12. People who have nostalgia for Austin in the '70s and '80s have been scientifically proven to be the crankiest demographic in the known universe.

13. Hoboken Pie is the superior choice for 1 am pizza in the downtown area.

14. The city bird of Austin is Toucan Sam.

15. Davy Crocket hated Austin, Texas, because he left his jacket there once and it was like his favorite jacket, and plus it had maybe 20 dollars or so in the front pocket which is totally weak.

16. Austin is the most segregated city in the state of Texas. Seriously.

17. The mayor of Austin is in an ELO cover band.

18. People who live in Austin are categorically terrified of living in a real city.

19. Instead of the traditional mint chocolate, Austin hotels have a small tab of LSD under every pillow.

20. Red 7 is usually a shithole; you're just seeing it on its pretty week.

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