Ten Potential X-Factor Replacement Judges
The list of former judges on Fox's The X-Factor reads like the attendance list at a Passages Malibu: Addiction Cure Center for celebrities obsessed with proving their talent (Nicole Scherzinger, 2011; Demi Lovato, 2012), relevancy (Cheryl Cole, 2011; LA. Reid, 2011-12), mental competency (Britney Spears, 2012), or all three (Paula Abdul, 2011). For a show that's run for scarcely two seasons, that's quite an accomplishment. Most of the blame (or credit) should probably be given to Simon Cowell, who treats each of the more than 1,000 television shows he produces like his own personal carnival curbed specifically to his sadistic humor.
So with that in mind, here are 10 musicians who have a very good chance at filling one of the two empty X-Factor judge seats next season.
See also: Ten Music Artists Who Are Dead Inside
A Still-Young Sanjaya Malakar
Simon Cowell pulled Paula Abdul out of the American Idol satchel of terrors, so why not Sanjaya Malakar? When the unstable wino Simon chooses to be the other new X-Factor judge pukes on the judges table, it can be mopped up with Sanjaya's luscious locks. (They're Sanjaya's personal X-factor at work.) Also, the last time I saw Sanjaya Malakar was in a small-scale musical about Black Jesus in Seattle, Washington, and I think he may deserve better.
David Grohl has never met a topic he wasn't prepared to talk about. Letting him talk on X-Factor would provide him a space where his criticism is actually desired, AND there's a strong chance he'd suffer from exhaustion and stop talking for a while.
Lana Del Rey
Now that Britney Spears is gone, so is the potential of someone mumbling useless advice and falling asleep on the judges' table during a live taping. Lana Del Ray is essential. She has the opposite of the X-factor but still manages to have a devoted fan base that hasn't seen the inherent irony of liking her yet. She'd be perfect.
Drake knows a thing or two about having the X-factor. People all around the world only half-remember that he played a wheelchair-bound kid with sexual dysfunction named Jimmy on a Canadian TV show. His X factor has out-shined everything. Well, his X-factor has out-shined everything besides Chris Brown. In Rihanna's eyes. But that's not something that can be tackled on an hour-long Fox show (yet).
Joe Budden is an inspiration to people everywhere who cannot properly pronounce the word "button." He would also be a total wild card. Just Google. You'll get excited at the possibility too.