Why Alice Cooper is Wrong About Mumford & Sons: A Theory

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In a recent interview with Fuse, Alice Cooper said calling Mumford & Sons a rock band is an "offense to rock 'n' roll." Boy oh boy! Now, we love us some Alice. He's a legend (and former boss). In fact, we're going to see him tonight at The Beacon Theater (review up tomorrow morning). But he and the legion of other Mumford & Sons haters have it wrong. Because Mumford and Sons are THE GREATEST ROCK BAND IN THE WORLD! OK, maybe not. But here's why they're not as terrible as you think they are.

See also: These Are The Worst Band Names in Indie Rock

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LOUDNESS

A basic quality of any rock band is their ability to successfully bring the noise loud, fast, and hard. But Alice Cooper doubts the eardrum-breaking ability of the current generation, saying that they "just need to quit eating vegetarian food and get out there and get some blood pumping in their system." Whoa, whoa, whoa, Alice. Time to step into the future. The loudest people I know are all Vegetarian.

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STYLISHNESS

Every rock band must have a definitive style that reeks of a coolness the world has yet to create. Alice Cooper may still think that face-paint is the way to make a mark, but clothes spanning several generations decked out on one disinterested body is the real mark of a style icon. Not only do Mumford & Sons clothing choices not make sense aesthetically or in terms of the space-time-continuum, they totes don't even care! They rock out their 1800's farmer outfits like nobody's business, which displays moxie and a whole lot of style.

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SEX APPEAL

Being loud and having a unique style aren't everything, though--without a sizzling energy originating from the heart of every member, a rock band will fail. Alice Cooper says playing rock 'n' roll "doesn't come from your brain, it comes from your guts. It comes from your groin. It's sexual. It's tribal." Here, Alice and I agree. Rock 'n' roll isa very sexual and primitive thing, which is partly why Mumford & Sons are so damn good at irock 'n' roll! What's sexier than a man who references the Bible through song and gently sways back and forth while playing stringed instruments invented before electricity? NOTHING! With their brooding good looks and mysterious hair cuts, Mumford & Sons define "sex." No other band comes close.

Location Info

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Beacon Theatre

2124 Broadway, New York, NY

Category: Music

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2 comments
artifizz
artifizz

can't be "incredibly unique," just unique... just sayin'

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