The Ten Most Bangable Members of the New York Philharmonic

Categories: Lists

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These men and women have reached the pinnacle of success in classical musicianship. Decades of drive, discipline, and determination have honed their immense talent, permitting their ascent to breathtaking heights of excellence in music: The New York Philharmonic.

So, who is the most bangable?

See also: The 10 Best Male Rappers of All Time

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10. Sheryl Staples
Violinist Sheryl Staples joined the New York Philharmonic as the Elizabeth G. Beinecke Principal Associate Concertmaster in 1998. She is seriously bangable. We would so bang her. Bang her all night.


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9. Marc Ginsberg
Marc is a graduate of The Juilliard School and received a Fulbright scholarship to study in Paris. We would bang him until neither of us could bang a second longer.


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8. Carter Brey
Carter Brey is the orchestra's cello soloist, and hasn't looked back since winning the Rostropovich Cello Competition. We would look back all the time if he were banging us.

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7. Case Scaglione
Case was the 2011 Solti Fellow, and has guest-conducted in Cleveland, St. Louis, Baltimore, and Los Angeles. If he guest-conducted in our bed, we would hear this: tap, tap, tap ... silence ... TWO SOLID HOURS OF BANGING.


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6. Hae-Young Ham
Ms. Ham has two degrees from Juilliard and is a fixture in the chamber music community up and down the East Coast. Up and down, side to side, flip me 'round, spread me wide, slow it down, speed it up, that's how we win the BANGFEST CUP. Ms. Ham also studied with Josef Gingold and Felix Galimir.


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5. Kuan Cheng Lu
Did you hear that loud bang? Must be a time-travel echo from the future, when we share a hot, sweaty, drippy, gritty, bangitty-bang-bang marathon. Kuan is a first-round draft pick in the bang-till-we-black-out draft. He's also the first Taiwanese musician to join the Philharmonic in its 170-year history.

See also: How Not To Write About Female Musicians: A Handy Guide


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31 comments
JoeMarfice
JoeMarfice

 Beautiful trolling of all the humorless snobs, who don't even realize they're being trolled! Hoorah!

Now, look below this post for angry declarations of "I have plenty of humor, but as the self-appointed guardian of righteousness and Good Taste(tm), I find this piece in toto sans humeur!!!".

plush4906
plush4906

I don't see anything wrong with the article. 

LibGeneGeek
LibGeneGeek

I don't know which is more appalling, the premise of the article or the middle school writing.

ganjibus
ganjibus

Two more bangables and you got yourself a calendar!

marinasings
marinasings

I am just so glad I spent most of my adult life locked in a practice room, putting blood sweat and tears into my craft and overcoming incredible adversity to make it into the professional music scene so someone at the Villiage fucking Voice could one day call me bangable. 


Just in case you hadn't noticed, these are incredibly accomplished musicians, not a slutty chick who walks by you in a bar. This is journalism? Sad.

beaglemix
beaglemix

if i strip out all the text and therefore the juvenile context i could acknowledge they picture 10 attractive members at least.

stupidity
stupidity

didn't even pick the hottest philharmonic members...

lovinglief
lovinglief

all these naysayers in the comments obviously have never been banged 

divalison
divalison

I am nearly speechless, but have enough sense left to say that this is the most tasteless, offensive piece of trash written about classical musicians that I have ever seen in print.  These are some of the most respected and prominent musicians in our country and we are lucky to have them.  An apology is due from the disgusting person who penned this, IMMEDIATELY, to every single one of them.  Unlike this author, they are esteemed professionals.  FAIL.

joshg28
joshg28

Successful satire knows and has some affection for its material.  This "writer" betrays a complete ignorance of classical music.  Carter Brey isn't the "cello soloist", he is the Principal Cello. What does it mean to play in Aspen Festival eight times, winning twice - winning what?  He clearly just grabbed random facts from the internet.  Also, not funny.  Fail.

iamtdj
iamtdj

this is really disgusting and juvenile.

jw_mixon
jw_mixon

I'd only bang three of them.

And they are all women.

Oh...I thought that this was about CYMBAL players...

;-)

mark.erling
mark.erling

Mr. Cowell:  Good luck in your future career writing pieces for the Onion. 

jeremyayres
jeremyayres

This is so puerile it might be sad if it wasn't so stupid. If you're going to bring sex into the Philharmonic (probably ill advised in the first place) you could at least have done it with some measure of sophistication. As it is, this comes off like some stoned, teenage jerk making a desperate attempt to impress his brain dead home boys. One more  NAIL IN THE COFIN.

loudlong
loudlong

Wow.  Really offensive, poorly written and not remotely funny.

studiesincrap
studiesincrap topcommenter

Next do the Ten most Bangable Brass Instruments. I'm looking at you, french horns... 

laural6000
laural6000

Horrifying, disgusting, shameful dribble. College students get penalized for this sort of insulting, sexist garbage. (In the pretext of "humor" or not). Not the Voice I ever knew. Congratulations, you finally hit your low point.

tNYC
tNYC

wow the V.Voice has fallen mighty hard in a short time after firing/losing it's best writers.... 

notkurtmasur
notkurtmasur

@JoeMarfice 

Looks like you've mistaken who thinks they're the guardian. Also perhaps you should brush up on your spelling (in toto).

deedeerex
deedeerex

@marinasings YES, they are incredibly well-respected, hard-working, accomplished musicians which is exactly the reason why it's funny to satirically objectify them in such a crude manner. THAT is the joke.

I'm a composer myself and part of what I dislike so strongly about the classical world is the fact that people take themselves so damn seriously. You're not an oncologist, Marina. You play the oboe. (Or whatever.)

ZiggySTRDST
ZiggySTRDST

@laural6000 so, where is the sexism? This is pretty gender neutral. Also, oh heeyyy Sheryl Staples!

notkurtmasur
notkurtmasur

@deedeerex @marinasings

Even if the whole stuffy classical musician thing were true, it's irrelevant. This is a poorly written piece that's not only insulting and embarrassing to the VV but just isn't funny at all (except maybe to you). And speaking of stereotypes, what about those pissed-off composer types who don't get their stuff played much, esp by NYP members? Just sayin. Incidentally, it's a lot harder to get an orchestra job than to become an oncologist.

laural6000
laural6000

@deedeerex There's nothing "ironic" about this supposed humor piece. I like The Onion. The Onion's humor pieces are witty, smart, and have a point. This is just sophomoric 8th grade bathroom wall garbage. The tragedy of this pathetic piece is that it ran in the once-respected Village Voice. That an editor let it through. It speaks volumes of the direction the "new" Voice is going in.

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