Penn Station Speaks Out About Madison Square Garden Relocation

Categories: 2013

Penn Station, pre-MSG, 1962.

The following is an open letter addressed to the citizens of New York City from Penn Station regarding the New York City Council's recent decision to give Madison Square Garden 10 years to relocate from it's current position above Penn Station.

In October of 1963, when the city of New York wrenched my beautiful Beaux-Arts columns away from me, forbidding me to ever reach towards the sky again, I did not cry.

In February of 1968, when Madison Square Garden mounted its large ass firmly upon my face, forbidding me the chance to breathe fresh air any longer, I did not cry.

I am Penn Station, service-provider to millions. Service-provider to New York. Service-provider to you--and that's what matters the most to me.

See also: Are "Farewell Shows" Melodramatic and Presumptuous?

So when, after generations of being buried beneath the crushing weight of musicians, athletes, and concrete, the New York City Council voted not to renew Madison Square Garden's land-permit in order to restore me to my former glory, I was ecstatic.

You, however, were not.

Rage filled your hearts. You cursed my name.

I finally shed my first tear.

As if it wasn't enough that I was here first, that the indecisive Madison Square Garden had relocated thrice before moving on top of me, that I am the one who consistently provides you with the most reliable service--what hurts the most is that a stadium in which Justin Bieber has performed means more to you than me, your loyal public servant.

Many of your laments focus on the historical significance of Madison Square Garden and what it means for an individual to perform there. I know that Elvis Presley played his first show in New York there. I know that John Lennon performed his last live concert there. I know that Elton John basically leases the place out and everybody loves it. And yes, I know that as a result of Madison Square Garden lifting itself from my aching body that pictures of the golden circle will now haunt the vision boards and dream walls of American teenagers across the country. 'How is this fair!?,' you ask. 'How is this right!?'

Well, I have my own questions too.

How is it "fair" that the hulking white-pillared bitch of the James Farley United States American Post Office is allowed to take up a block of space above ground across the street while I am not allowed a single sunlit passageway? No one even uses the postal service anymore! What's even inside that building? I'll tell you what--ME. New York is expanding my Amtrak to run beneath it because of how important I am to you. Why don't we just tear it all down and airlift Madison Square Garden a few feet away so it can look at me in all of my glory as well as feel me pulse beneath it every day?

How is it "right" to spend money maintaining (or even building a new) Madison Square Garden? Watching people do things online is much better than watching them do things in person. I have seen this firsthand as my passengers bumble about, ignoring one another with their eyes glued to smart phones and tablets. Madison Square Garden seats 20,000. Youtube seats 500 million. You know you don't actually enjoy watching concerts live.They cost money and sound shitty and there are cheaper ways to impress a date. Listening to your iPhone and ignoring people on the train is free. You don't need MSG. You need me.

Most importantly, do you really hate Long Island and New Jersey so much as to forbid the place that happens to house access routes to them from having a chance at a happy life above ground in New York City?

Don't answer that one, actually.

And that is all I have to say about the matter. Personally, I hope plans for the relocation of Madison Square Garden go through. I hope I will once again be beautiful and intimidating and make the James Farley United States Post Office super jealous. I hope one day you will appreciate me as much as you appreciate Madison Square Garden.

I fear this may not happen, but regardless, I will continue to let you know to avoid the gap, stay off the yellow line, and avoid the TGI Fridays. Because, unlike you, I will always love you.

Most sincerely,
Penn Station

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First off you are most likely NOT from New York City, so who the fuck are you to speak on behalf of us? For the last few years you NYU suburban fake New Yorkers have been infesting our city, driving up the cost of living in our neighborhoods after generations of fighting corrupt landlords and corporations you imbeciles have moved in and handed the city over to them, and IT WAS'NT YOURS TO BEGIN WITH. You move into our neighborhoods act as if we don't exsist and you are the first people to ever set foot in OUR HOME. Now you have the audacity to speak on behalf of us in regards to OUR HOME. What makes a person a New Yorker is actually being FROM NEW YORK YOU TOOL. We like OUR sporting events and we like OUR concerts, your stupid hipster ukelele music is shit and that is why the only people to come and see your trust fund baby groups are your pathetic friends. You self centered brats are so stupid, you all dress alike and to all the same shit and follow the same trends and then try to call yourselves individuals. Are you fucking joking. You all have beards and bob cuts and you all wear skinny jeans and plaid shirts its like a uniform for you. When your parents told you you were special they were either high, lying, or just incredibly stupid. You have no idea the corruption in this city, because you are more than likely not from here, the village voice used to speak out against this kind of shit. Now I bet half your suburban employees ride citibikes after citicorp had a hand in the illegal war in Iraq. Please stop trying to be something you are obviously not,... A NEW YORKER. Fuck you and all your hipster clones, go back to your suburb and stay there, fucking poser. This has been an open letter from the Native People of New York City to you.


And your mobile site sucks, probably just for iPhones, because they are uniform. And to the guy who said good riddance M.S.G....FUCK YOU TOO.


Why don't you all force the lowering of the rents in Soho or Williamsburg so that lower income families can afford to live there again? Why don't you close down some of your bullshit art galleries and use the space for homeless shelters, oh that's right you don't acknowledge homeless people do you? How many hours a week do you volunteer at soup kitchens or homeless shelters or senior centers? What would you say to the kids who's families were forced out of there homes by NYU or Columbia, what would you tell the kid in junior high who's family got priced out if their home because Astoria is hip. You are the villains here. In fact from now on I'm calling it The Villains Voice.


Good riddance, MSG.

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