10 Things the Door Guy Hates About You

Categories: Lists

Ridiculous_Guy_Erik_Hess.jpg
Photo: Erik Hess
The Door Guy. He's seen and heard it all. Pukes puking. Bros fighting. Liars lying about the guest list to get by him. Drunks falling. Your "Turn Up!" is his "Calm down!" Frankly, he hates you. Here are 10 reasons why you can't blame him.

See also: The Top 15 Things That Annoy the Crap Out of Your Local Sound Guy

Your Public Sex
Seriously. It happens. And, ew. It's worst in big clubs with lots of nooks and crannies. Nobody wants to glance over to a private, discreet dark corner during their favorite band playing and see people banging. But people's definition of "private" and "discreet" get pretty loose by the end of an evening, and suddenly, that naughty turn-on you might experience finding a hidden spot to get dirty just turns into people averting their eyes and pretending they aren't seeing what they're actually seeing. For real. Ew.

But more important than the total ew factor is that when people go to bars and night clubs, they drink. And sometimes they drink until they make bad decisions, and sometimes they drink until they aren't capable of making decisions. Which means that when you and your special friend for the next five minutes get caught awkwardly trying to maintain an erection while not knocking over a bar stool, any door guy or bouncer in town isn't going to know if what's happening is two people having consensual (but totally gross) sex or something else. Yuck. Don't do it. If you see it, tattle.

Your Impossible Expectations
On the topic of tattling, the Door Guy is not omnipotent, and cannot be everywhere at once. There's no such thing as instant response time, and sometimes things that shouldn't happen still happen. When it does, it is absolutely not a negative reflection on the venue or its staff. Random acts of oral or violence are exactly that -- random.

Mouths2_Erik_Hess.jpg
Photo by Erik Hess
What's right with this picture? No one is using their face as a wallet. Thank you.

Your Icky Mouth
It doesn't matter if it's the hottest day of summer or the deadest day of winter -- if your hands are full of your fixie's saddle bags or you're just trying to peel off seven layers of gloves, please, for the love of God, don't put your ID, your ticket, or your money in your mouth. Your mouth is not a convenient caddy when your hands are otherwise occupied. It is a disgusting germ factory full of filth. When you put something in it that is going to be in the Door Guy's hand five seconds later, yeah, THIS IS WHY THE HE HATES YOU.


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8 comments
_Meh_
_Meh_

Sexism is the 11th thing door people hate about you.

_Meh_
_Meh_

Here in NY and pretty much everywhere else on f*ckin earth we also have door women. Just a heads up.

Miles Collins
Miles Collins

Former bouncer here: 1. Patchouli is not deodorant, nor is it a worthy substitute for a shower. 2. We don't hate you for trying to use a fake ID, we hate you for giving us a hard time because your shitty fake ID didn't work and got confiscated. Or job is to make sure the club stays open and nobody gets hurt within preventable reason. 3. If you're "friends with the owner/band/jagoff bartender who never tips out", we !@#$ing hate you. Don't talk to us about getting in for free, or act like we should know you. Get on the guest list before the show, or buy a ticket, or get stonewalled for not buying a ticket before the night sells out. We don't give a shit. 4. If you're a club owner who pays squat and expects us to care about whether or not your business stays open, we hate you. Your bar won't stay open if we don't care about our jobs. Pay us within reason, or get shut down because we let in a minor because we don't care. Or, better yet, make your bartenders tip out, and promote to barback/bartender jobs from within your bouncer ranks.

Michael Palmer
Michael Palmer

As a veteran door guy, may I add: Trustafarian and Entitled Boomer.

Jonathan Zeller
Jonathan Zeller

As a veteran door man, you hit the nail right on the head. With a few omissions. 1. The total, entitled babe 2. The dope dealer 3. The sudo celebrity 4. The Lesbian librarian. Nuff said?

Brandon Fizer
Brandon Fizer

There's no bigger douchebag than someone who works as a door guy.

August R. Preston
August R. Preston

Isn't time to retire the concept of a "door guy." What kind of person waits for permission to enter a club. Even better, who still goes to "clubs?" Only in NY?

chrischafin
chrischafin

@August R. Preston every music venue in new york has a door guy. Well, almost all of them. If it's a big venue/a big show, one place might have 5 or 6 people working various doors in various configurations. 

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