Six Girls I Dated and Why We Broke Up

Categories: Serrano Time

Not me and not someone I dated, but it may as well have been
[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

I went running the other morning. I used to run all the time. I was in shape, and had a six-pack for a week. I then threw all of my shirts in the trash, which was not that smart.

Alas, now I'm sloppy and unhealthy. The buttons on my pants are always angry. So that's why I went running, and while I was doing so, Dustin-Prestige's album Dharma cycled on. The tape, which is very good, focuses on the dissolution of a relationship. It also got me thinking about about some of my own relationships that have withered away. So here they are: Six failed relationships.*

See also: A Brief Rundown of the Bonkers TLC Movie

*Now, to be clear, I use the phrase "relationship" extremely loosely. Before I got married, there was a seven year period where I asked nearly every girl I saw to be my girlfriend. (If I asked 100 girls to show me their boobs, they couldn't ALL say no, was how I felt.)

Girl: Adrianna
My Age: 12

Adrianna was the first girl I kissed. She wasn't very pretty but she was really good at basketball, which was more important to me back then. ("I don't care that she's got a cloudy eye, bro. She's fucking devastating in the pick and roll.") Also: She didn't scrunch her face up like she was staring at the sun when she looked at me. That's how I knew it was love.

Ours was a relationship of convenience. She was spending the night with a friend who lived next to my uncle, and I was spending the night at my uncle's. So I snuck over at night and stood at the window of the bedroom they were in, staring like a total weirdo. (It was not nearly as romantic as it sounds. There were definitely a lot of mosquitoes.) Eventually, her friend dared us to kiss. We did, although it was mostly banging teeth together. A sad start to my love life, but a propros for my eventual lovemaking style.

Why we stopped dating: We never actually started. I never really talked to Adrianna again after that first evening. I definitely told everyone she was my girlfriend though. But then we played against each other in this co-ed basketball tournament and Adrianna fucking lit us up for, like, 60 points or something. After that I was like, "Man, you know what, Adrianna, this just isn't gonna work."

Girl: Elisha
My Age: 13

Elisha was slightly droopy-faced and way too thin, but was a cheerleader, and everyone seemed to like her. She had one big mark against her though: She was white. At a school nearly exclusively Mexican, you definitely don't want to be the only white person. Elisha was clever though. She always kept a boyfriend, and eventually it was my turn. We never kissed or held hands or hugged or even really talked, but she told people that she was my girlfriend and that was good enough for me.

Why we stopped dating: Our relationship began right before summer vacation. When summer came, she moved to Kentucky. I mailed her a letter once. It was never answered. This other cheerleader (Renee) told me that she had a new boyfriend. Worse: He wasn't Mexican. Worse still: They held hands.

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