New Party Rules for Millennials

Categories: party

houseparties.jpg
Ian Witlen
The stage is THAT way. Jeez.
Millennials, you still do all the drugs and have all the sex, but I have to break it to you--#realtalk--you do not know how to party.

And it's bringing me down. Heading over to what's supposed to be the "jam," hosted by 24-year-old "scenesters," I always hope that there won't be finger foods but that the fridge will be so packed with Miller High Life that it won't totally close. But then I get there, and there's artisan, sprouted, gluten-free hummus with homemade organic cheese sticks and vegan crackers for dipping. And no one looks like they're having fun.

Meanwhile, partying with Gen Xers is the best ever. There's never any food beyond a bag of Doritos, an old pizza, or Taco Bell someone grabbed at the end of the night. There are bongs everywhere, but people are dancing, and someone's getting a blowie in the bathroom. There's going to be a fight. Not just skinny straight guys throwing shade but a bloody nose, "bitch, I'ma kill you" fight. There's nothing good to drink, but there always something to drink. There is a naked guy at the party, and you're probably going to make out with his friend. You will talk to strangers, and there's always good music.

Rip me to shreds in the comments, but someone had to say it. For the millennials who want to party right, here are some new rules for you.

See also: The 10 Best Bars in Greenpoint

Booze is more important than appetizers.
Yes, you're all foodies. You "do it yourself." So cool. But for God's sake, save the gourmet snacks for your next dinner engagement. Parties are for fucking and boozing and breaking shit. Half the millennial festivities have almost no alcohol. And yeah pot'll get you high, and molly'll make you rubby, but booze will make you fun.

BTW, when I was a kid (#old), dinner parties were for parents. Take a page from Iconz's book and "Get Fucked Up."

Dance, bitches!
God, there's nothing more pathetic than a party at 3 a.m., where everyone's in little clusters chatting quietly while some like Bon Iver song drags in the background. Wait! There is something more pathetic! When it's 3 a.m. and 2 Live freaking Crew is on the iPad and no one's moving. Get up and dance. It's a party. I hate you.


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21 comments
farrahfarley
farrahfarley

YES! This is so true and I'm a goddamn millennial. Ugh we suck. Best party music advice line ever: "The Beatles or Hot Chip or Outkast at 5 a.m. is way better than whatever shitty vomit sounds you're playing 'cause you read all about how much they rule on some music blog (ahem)."

Nicole Thur
Nicole Thur

*yawn* you're not seeing that at a 24 year old's party because we finished drinking crappy beer and breaking things when we were 18. Bring on the vegan/gluten free food & the craft beer (which we didn't buy that much of because it's actually good and costs money.)

Connor David Linden
Connor David Linden

I can party just as hard eating vegan food. Fuck that part. Taco Bell and doritos? Fuck that noise.

hegetarian
hegetarian

Man, I'm so sorry you have such sucky friends.  Rest assured that Millennials aren't all like that.  Or even mostly, really.  In fact, I don't know anybody like that.  Maybe you need to get around more.

Amandaburnsgreen
Amandaburnsgreen

This is such a terrible article. I don't see why you're blaming "millenials" because there are ignorant douches in every age category. I'm 18 years old and I have been to loads of legitimate parties hosted by "millenials". We make sure to round up some DJs (or at least put together some kind of playlist), lights, and a quality sound system. There is always plenty of booze (and sometimes drugs) to go around, and people are always willing to share. Food more important than alcohol? Obviously you've been hanging around the wrong people, because I have never experienced this. Either that, or you need to accept the fact that you're aging and things like these just aren't fun for you anymore. Casey Lynch hit the head on the nail.

keivspare
keivspare

and leave your fucking phones at home

colbrophy
colbrophy

some good points, but of course not everyone of us is like this!

biltonrehomb
biltonrehomb

It's so sad ...they don't have their own Millennial invented music genres, and they have to rock out to their parent's classics. And they don't have any new drugs either. Bath salts don't count.

Tina Rotondo
Tina Rotondo

I love this article! Call me old fashioned but the type of party you described is the type of party I would leave..or wouldn't go to in the first place. The parties I attend have a "no internet/no videogame" rule, snacks that are definitely fattening and a fridge full of booze that everyone shares ; )..

Casey Lynch
Casey Lynch

Dear Gen Xer, what are you doing hanging out with millennials anyways? Go home to your children, listen to Pearl Jam, and talk identity politics on a BBS.

Sam Schneider
Sam Schneider

Millennials don't share their beer? Seriously? Really, I was aware of most of the other stuff, but...really?!?! Dang, that's just...cold.

Jenny M. Hayas
Jenny M. Hayas

its so not true tho, if a millennial is from 1980-2000 its totally not true i have heard/seen some pretty crazy parties

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