Guys, Predatory Dance Floor Boners Are Not OK

IMHARDfinal.jpg
Credit: Timothy Norris
We're not saying this guy is into the boner sidle, but his t-shirt illustrates the problem.
Gentleman, this is a public service announcement.

We know things can get hot and sweaty on the dance floor. The atmosphere is festive, the music is peaking and the ladies are looking good. You see one you like, and you want to dance with her. Totally cool. Men and women have been dancing together for thousands of years. It's nature.

But there's a right way and a wrong way to go about this, and a lot of you are doing it the wrong way. R. Kelly may have said there's nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, but you have got to stop putting your boners on us.

See also: Why Is Rave Fashion Such a Disaster?

We're calling this move the boner sidle. Ladies, you know what we're talking about.

You're dancing in a crowd when you realize a dude, typically a young shirtless one wearing lensless novelty glasses, has sidled up behind you and is fixing to dance. Except instead of actually dancing, he just stands there like a sequoia, his laser beam stare penetrating your pants. It's killing your vibe and distracting you from the music. The guy has officially entered your personal space.

At some point the dude makes his move and puts his hands on your hips. In no way did your body language suggest that you wanted him to do this, although it's possible he's mistaken your enthusiastic shuffling for an open invitation to touch you. (Not the same thing!)

He then takes the liberty of moving in closer and putting his frontside against your backside. You're basically immobilized, and this is when you realize that he's got a boner and is pressing it into your ass. He's not even really dancing; he's just standing there...with his boner on you.

This happens to women all the goddamn time at dance shows, and it's annoying, awkward and gross. We've even heard an anecdotal account of a guy who takes Viagra before going out, specifically to do this.

So what should you do?

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27 comments
dat_guy
dat_guy

I'm going to throw this out there, sometimes boners just happen. Hormones, arousal, etc.


There is a difference between going around taking viagara and humping women and just getting aroused at a party. The writer seems to think that boners are controllable, just like her period.  


This article is a little strange to wrap my head around.



Linda Marie
Linda Marie

Well.. back in the good old days at PARADISE GARAGE we loved to do this, Safe, fun and memorable as long as it is mutual. What's the problem? I thought you were a liberal newspaper? Ain't nothing wrong with a little bump and grind. Guys find a girl who likes your boner. This article is frucked up.

Trent Steel
Trent Steel

I saw a LOSER doing this blatantly at Pacha last weekend. Girls he approached thrusting on the dance floor? All. Girls that didn't push him away? 0.

jonathan.nyc
jonathan.nyc topcommenter

That's pretty gross.  First time I'm hearing about anything like this.  

One reason to be glad I'm too old to go to dance concerts or to get aroused at inappropriate moments.   


Leah C. Dixon
Leah C. Dixon

Jnana, no actually, not the case, and you wouldn't be the first or the last sexual predator to use that line. Tell the judge that when you get brought up on charges - then you can think about it long and hard, while some cellmate in the D Block dance floor tries the same move on you! Think you'd dig that? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Leah C. Dixon
Leah C. Dixon

Um, not nearly as much as you think, and it pales in comparison to how much satisfaction there is in having creeps like you brought up on charges. Then you can think about it while some cellmate in the D Block dance floor tries the same move on you! Think you'd dig that? Yeah, I didn't think so.

KateJig
KateJig

This has been a problem since at LEAST when I was in college, which is 15 years ago now! How do men keep thinking this is a tactic? Does it ever work, or are they just in it for the cheap thrill of assaulting someone? Baffling.

Jnana Wepa
Jnana Wepa

Worth Shutting Up about. Chics dig it.

whateveryousay
whateveryousay topcommenter

Chuck Norris danced with a boner. Everybody died.

Vh Hurtado
Vh Hurtado

I recall watching an MTV special hosted by Downtown Julie Brown where she got pissed and annoyed when a swimsuit-donned moron beefcake on stage tried boning her from behind.

Jennifer McQueen
Jennifer McQueen

And if people's parents aren't going to tell their little boys where the appropriate places to put their "peeps" are (and are not), I guess the Voice is just going to have to do it!

Spencer Tiberius Rappaport
Spencer Tiberius Rappaport

Ladies, do you know how hard it is to park this thing once its started? It's like a bus in a compact spot.

Cheryl Fox
Cheryl Fox

It is assault. They do not want to dance with you.

Marcia Wood
Marcia Wood

EWWWWE. Thank God someone is writing about this. I have had this happen to me twice now. What is going on with guys these days anyway? Why are they becoming these creepy little sexbeasts? Is it porn? What is it?

Jeff Pixley
Jeff Pixley

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex, either... A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

James Martin
James Martin

Really? This is what they publish in the Voice nowadays?

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