Six Things You Learn Being Addicted to Metal

Categories: Metal

Robert Bejil, Flickr
Most people regard metal music as an anti-intellectual, chest-beating, noisy fit for cavemen. Despite this being 100 percent true, there are a few positive things that result from having an intense dedication toward one of the most juvenile forms of music out there. While listening to metal may still sentence you to a life in your parents' basement, at least you'll have learned a few things on the way to sleeping on a pile of empty potato chip bags. Here are six things you learn being addicted to metal.

See also: The 10 Best Metal Albums of 2013

6. Criminal History

Can't remember who the Vampire of Dusseldorf was or what H. H. Holmes was known for? Luckily, metal has you covered. As the most infamous purveyors of morbid criminal history, Chicago's Macabre have been writing about real-life monsters ever since their debut record in 1987. The band has even written an entire concept album chronicling the life of Jeffrey Dahmer (fittingly entitled Dahmer), from his childhood to the eventual decision to burn the deceased Milwaukee murderer's brain.

But the education doesn't stop there. Japan's Church of Misery have also devoted its entire doomy discography to writing about serial killers, while the appropriately named Canadian band Dahmer take a faster, more grind approach to the same niche.

Cory Doctorow

5. Foreign Languages

An oddly memorable thing about metal is the amount of useless but impressive foreign language you learn. Any true metalhead can tell you the words for "cold," "darkness," "black," "death" and "grim" in a variety of European languages. Extremely helpful if you find yourself lost in the Swedish city of Örebro and need to find a dungeon or the most supremely evil bathroom.

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Can music be metabolized, that is, can it act like an external stimulant to cause metabolic reactions? Thus, the attracted crowd gets a physical impact from presence, resonance and physical participation.  If observation alone affects quantum mechanics results (it does), is good old musica an extension of our reality, affecting metabolism? Ergo, crank it up, devotees! It's still legal - except in North Korea.

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