Eminem's "The Monster," Ft. Rihanna: Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Marco Torres
[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Song: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna

History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again and THIS TIME HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE. That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh my God this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."

See also: Katy Perry's "Roar": Why This Song Sucks

Atmospherics: Kind of like what the teen section at Nordstrom sounds like. Except teens don't shop at Nordstrom so it's always, like, someone's uncle buying jeans from there. That's what this song sounds like: Someone's uncle trying to buy cool jeans from Nordstrom.

Analysis: Snoozefest. I wish there was a more nuanced, more clever way to say that, but every time I try to think of one my brain jumps clean out of skull and sprints right down the street. That's not a metaphor or anything. My brain literally grew these tentacle-like things and it was splitskis, bro. It's like Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

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YouTube screengrab
Krang
Remember him? He was the grossest. HE WAS A LIVING, BREATHING BRAIN LIVING INSIDE OF A ROBOT. Gone.

But look:

On 1999's "My Name Is," Eminem's very first single from his very first proper album, back when he was still interesting and had not been hollowed out yet:

Hi, kids!
Do you like violence?
Wanna see me stick nine inch nails through each one of my eyelids?
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?
Try 'cid and get fucked up worse than my life is?

That's clever and fun and acerbic and biting and insightful. I can't immediately think of a better opening salvo from a modern American musician.

Here's how Eminem opens 2013's "The Monster," the 93rd single from his 25th album:

I wanted the fame but not the cover of Newsweek
Oh well, guess beggars can't be choosey

SARAH-PALIN-NEwsweek.jpg
1. Newsweek? Bro, that's the most boring shit of all. Remember when Newsweek put Sarah Palin on the cover in jogging shorts? That was them being divisive. Newsweek is like when they show that movie Nerds on AMC and then AMC zooms all the way in so you can't see any boobs during the panty raid scene.

2. Did you really just say "Oh well," Eminem? In the first verse of a song called "The Monster"? Because, I mean, there just aren't enough sighs.

3. Did you use the word "choosey," rather than "choosers"? Because everyone knows the expression is "beggars can't be choosers." You can't just make up a new expression to rhyme with Newsweek, which you shouldn't even be talking about in the first place.

Let's continue:



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25 comments
José M. Urbina
José M. Urbina

There are no more greats to bite all he has is these new lames that got no skill that why "The Monster" sucks.... he plays to the level of the competition.... I think we can all agree that hip hop was better in the 90s through the mid 2000s right.... Add the #Parallels https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeby9ehjSSU

José M. Urbina
José M. Urbina

Eminem sucks now cause not biting the style of the likes of RedMan, Pace Won and Young Zee .... that where got a lot of wit from real hip hop artist when he use to rap in the Rap Olympics and he bit "Super Man" from Redmans' "Super Man Lover"... at the end of "I Just Don't Give A Fuck" he mentions The Outsiderz, PaceWon, Young Zee and A.U. it was a diss song cause all though the 90s he was biting these cats... as he gained more fame he got away from their style that was brash, jaw dropping, shock and awe type shit and became conservative to please the Main-Mainstream...... I don't listen to anything pass The Eminem Show................ oh I did like "Rap God" tho lol....

Zen Lerock
Zen Lerock

I don't even have to hear once and I know it sucks

creativename
creativename

lol @ the idiots taking this 100% seriously

Binkconn
Binkconn

Rihanna's a fucking whore. Chris Brown should have beat that self-involved cunt to death for all the grief he's endured for smacking her skank ass around for a few minutes.

TheMagister
TheMagister

Everything on this blog that isn't your own opinion in so invalid. The History made me burst out laughing .. "Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked".. Um that was a movie. There are even interviews of him explaining that the movie isn't an autobiography.


Second of all .. your opinions on the lines of the song are just retarded. I'm not going to waste my time point out every single uninformed flaw with your opinion on the lines so here, let me just point out two of the more dense ones: 


Why would he change Beggars can't be choosers to Beggars can't be choosy?

Um maybe because what makes him such a great rapper is because of his plays on words. He also has interviews where he's demonstrated how he pulls words around to make them work.


The other is the entire thing about Newsweek. It should be obvious that he said this because of all the bad publicity he's received over the years. If my sources are correct him and Dr.Dre were bashed in Newsweek about the lyrics in some of their past songs some years back.




Next time you make a blog about an artist and a song PLEASE have a better back round on the artist/song you happen to be talking about.


 -TheMagister

erika742607
erika742607

You write the same note on other blogs? because if it sucks

The Monster is a good song for the radio, not intended nothing more

By the way it is # 1 on BB Hot 100

Roy Lee
Roy Lee

i saw him on sat night live and it wasn't even rap.

Steve Kalan
Steve Kalan

Florida Georgia line song'Cruise' has sold over 6 million digital downloads

slimraerae
slimraerae

you wanna pick apart eminem's verses even though he's the only reason this song is some what good. i will give it to you that its not anything like old Em, and that fact sucks but hes grown up & he has to do radio music to make people happy, which is exactly what this song is. Coming from a fan of over 13 years, while you write your blog that should basically be called "eminem sucks" Em's gonna continue making millions happy, while making millions of dollars. What are you doing with your life?

Luis Orozco
Luis Orozco

Am I the only one that thinks Eminem needs to stop the "angry white rapper" schtick already? Its tired.

thextremehq001
thextremehq001

A.This article is bullshit

B.All u guys in the comment section dont hve no music taste so go suck a cock lol

C.Eminem is a rap god nuff said.  

exultia
exultia

He's talking about Newsweek because he was ON newsweek, and because it rhymes. I'm also pretty sure 'choosey' is a perfectly sound word to use seeing as most rappers even use onomatopoeia. 

This wasn't biting or inciteful? Have you heard Bad Guy, So Much Better, Brainless, Headlights, Evil Twin, Baby, Wicked Ways, Beautiful Pain, Rhyme or Reason, A**hole, Rap God, Love Game or Don't Front?
You sir, need to take a chair or a couch and quit being attention seeking. If you are above the age of 14 you really need to get professional help...

exultia
exultia

"Woe is me, there goes poor Marshall again

Whining about his millions and his mansion and his sorrow he's always drownin' in
And the dad that he never had, and how his childhood was so bad
And how his mom was a dope addict, and his ex-wife how they go at it
Man I'd hate to have it, as bad as that Mr. Mather's claims he had it
I can't imagine it, that little rich poor white bastard
Needs to take some of that cash out the bank and take a bath in it
Man if I only had half of it.
If you only knew the half of it"
That sums THAT up. Better way to talk about the insomnia? Go ahead, throw me something...

exultia
exultia

 Haha you're an idiot. The hook is great, the lyricism isn't anything special but it's on par, the instrumental is great. Yodelling symbolizes his mind wandering. How is having visions not crazy? By definition. He's not nuts? Are you nuts? 



freddiefive
freddiefive

@TheMagister Actually, he says "choosy" because "choosers" doesn't rhyme with newsweek. That one's pretty simple.

TheMagister
TheMagister

@freddiefive


Your comment is invalid because what I posted wasn't about why he used choosy over choosers. You should really pay attention before you state your thoughts. The author of this blog wrote:


       Newsweek? Bro, that's the most boring shit of all 


My ranting was about the authors idiotic confusion on why he would use Newsweek.


  Also from the blogs author:

       Did you use the word "choosey," rather than "choosers"? Because everyone knows the expression is "beggars can't be choosers."

   Another note that points out you really should read before you state your thoughts, in my rant I also mentioned his word play and how he changes around words. What I commented was nothing but a more educated sounding and more direct thing than what you just stated.

*Claps* Congratulations! You got it. He was rhyming words to make them sound right together.


Hmm... I wonder why the author of this blog couldn't formulate the same response as you to the obvious reason for changing choosers to choosey?


*Gives you a cookie*


                                         -The Magister

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