Can You Masturbate While Listening to Arcade Fire's Reflektor? An Experiment

Categories: Arcade Fire

reflektorporn.jpg
I pride myself in answering the questions that nobody should ever ask. I stand a fierce, passionless reporter, on the precipice of doing something really, really dumb. I am going to watch a bunch of porn on mute and listen to Reflektor at the same time. Maybe I will learn something. Maybe I will make jokes. Maybe I will retire. But most likely I will just write a blog post on the internet. Do I feel like Win Butler has encoded a deep, resonant message about internet pornography into his technologic-neurotic fourth album? No, not really, but an utter lack of direction or purpose has never held me back before.

See also: SNL Sound-Off: Arcade Fire Are a Talking Heads Cover Band Now

PHASE ONE - "REFLEKTOR"
SCENE CHOSEN - REGULAR-ASS PORNOGRAPHY

I went over to Pornhub, which is apparently where all the kids get their smut, and pulled up a random video. Some blonde girl with a low-cut top is mopping the floor while Arcade Fire sing about the fragile connections of modern society. Already I know I've made a horrible mistake. The blowjob scene actually sort of looks like it's on-beat, which makes me laugh until I realize it should be making me cry. I really don't get why porn directors feel the need to show us the whole asshole, but when David Bowie sings "Found my way to the resurrector/ Turns out it was just a reflector," I sort of get it. More like RECTRUMKTOR, right? No? OK.

PHASE TWO - "HERE COMES THE NIGHT TIME"
SCENE CHOSEN - RANDOM WEBCAM STREAM

Next up is Freecams.com, where community college degrees go to die. I'm not actually able to mute this webcam stream, which means I'm sort of breaking the enveloping scold of Reflektor. But it actually ends up being a happy accident, because every time Win Butler finishes saying "here comes the night time," the woman in front of the camera says something about her vagina. It's like a new, disgusting song was written right in front of my eyes.

PHASE THREE - "JOAN OF ARC"
SCENE CHOSEN - PROBABLY ILLEGAL RECLAIMED OMEGLE FOOTAGE

So there's this website called Omegle, it's like chatroulette if chatroulette still exists. There's a whole cottage industry of cretins who convince girls to take their clothes off on camera without knowing that they're actually recording the whole thing. This video file is then uploaded to any number of skeevy porn sites for other cretins to watch. "Joan of Arc" has a suitable streak of Shakespearian tragedy to it, so it seemed like the obvious and natural choice. If there is a moment of seriousness in this experiment, it's that in this context, "Joan of Arc" helped remind me just how bad the internet can be for actual human beings.



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38 comments
ipooponamerika
ipooponamerika

Usually, journalists living in a country that's COLLAPSING due to massive financial fraud, legalized war crimes, torture, and kidnapping, that has no rule of law, that drone bombs weddings & birthday parties (then waits for emergency responders to arrive on site in order to drone bomb them AGAIN), that operates a growing Police State and that spies on EVERYONE have BETTER things to report on than asking whether "Can You Masturbate While Listening to Arcade Fire's Reflektor?"

You stupid, stupid, stupid people DESERVE what you're about to get. Masturbate to THAT mofos.

DogsWithHats
DogsWithHats

@luke_winkie although I would have preferred Hatoful boyfriend as the dating sim, because man when you can seduce birds......

mackload
mackload

Did you successfully wank? Did I miss something? Need to know k thnx

notmy925
notmy925

@luke_winkie Bahaha. Well, it's not that late in Melbourne. So I have no excuse, really. But well played, sir. Umm yeah.

LilEsBella
LilEsBella

@luke_winkie well hopefully The Lord will lead you to an album that will be masturbation friendly ;)

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