Ask Andrew W.K.: What Do You Do if You Suspect Your Man is Cheating?
[Editor's note: Every Wednesday New York City's own Andrew W.K. takes your life questions, and sets you safely down the right path to a solution, a purpose or -- no surprise here -- a party. Need his help? Just ask: AskAWK@villagevoice.com]
I think my boyfriend may be cheating on me. I'm very close to looking through his computer to see if there are any clues. Should I or is that just THE WORST?
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That could be getting close to the realm of the worst. The absolute worst would probably be cutting off his dick or just killing him outright without even knowing if he really was cheating or not.
When I had a hunch that a girl I was with was cheating on me, I was right. I actually never snooped around or even confronted her to find out, but just had a feeling that something about her was "off." She eventually ended up telling me and I broke up with her immediately and was really sad and hurt. But I didn't let myself change my ideals about trusting girlfriends.
I think cheating and trust is sort of an all-or-nothing situation. I recommend going into all relationships with a completely blind, undeserved sense of trust. People shouldn't have to earn our trust. They should only earn our distrust.
No matter what's happened to us before, we might as well just go into a new relationship with renewed faith that our partner is going to be as loyal as we are (assuming we are loyal . . . . If not, you reap what you sow). Otherwise, what's the point of having relationships of any kind? If we don't trust anyone, we never get to enjoy the feeling of being able to count on anyone, and that's probably one of the greatest feelings a human can have. And that is what we want, right? To be able to never even have to think that someone would ever betray us in that way — that's humanity at its best.
Some might say that's naïve and living in a fantasy, but I want to live in a world where fantasy and reality are blurred and blended. If you really feel like he is cheating, just ask him and look into his eyes as intensely as you can. It just seems way too draining and painful to always be wondering, or to look around his computer, or question him forever. This might be a good time to promise each other that you'll never cheat, period. And really understand the weight of the word "promise."
It's easy to lie about stuff if you haven't promised something to someone. A promise is our word and the most sacred aspect of our character and sense of worth. When someone breaks a promise, they're more easily aware of the damage they've done, not only to the other person, but also to themselves and their own integrity. And if you can keep the promises you've made in life, that's pretty much the best you can do as a human being.
In the end, even if someone cheats on you, promise yourself you won't let their low-level dealing damage your own integrity and belief that people can be trustworthy and that you can be, too. You deserve to trust people. And you deserve to be trusted. And you deserve to party.
On the next page: "If you had a five-step plan to help someone make their life more party, what would those steps be?"