Ask Andrew W.K.: How Do I Overcome the Guilt of Unwittingly Taking Someone's Virginity
[Editor's note: Every Wednesday New York City's own Andrew W.K. takes your life questions, and sets you safely down the right path to a solution, a purpose or -- no surprise here -- a party. Need his help? Just ask: AskAWK@villagevoice.com]
Dear King of Party,
Like many female Angelenos, I like to frequent dating websites. That's where I met this banging Anarcho-Punk dude--let's call him Ted. We hit it off and went on a few dates. He's in his late twenties, has a job, and seems like a total babe. We ended up going back to my place one night, and before you know it, we were in the sack and having the most mundane sex anyone's ever had. Afterwards, he rolled over and became visibly upset. I asked him what's wrong, and what came out of his mouth sent me careening into a black hole of immediate anxiety. "I'm a virgin," he said. Maybe that's not as big of a deal as I thought it was. He spent the night and the next morning I told him I had work. I've been casually blowing him off ever since. Now he's Snapchatting me 24/7 in a desperate attempt to get my attention. What do I do!?
The Virginity Taker
Dear Virginity Taker,
You owe it to this guy to stop blowing him off and to at least talk to him. You don't have to date him again, but at least tell him that you appreciate his honesty, and feel for his situation, but don't want a relationship. It'll suck for him to be turned away, but he'll get over it and move on. And it will suck how uncomfortable it might get, but you'll also get over it and feel better that you dealt with it instead of putting it off.
I'm not sure how you lost your virginity, but I'm guessing you can remember how intense the first time is--whether it's "good" or "bad" sex, it's a defining moment for everyone. Please be nice to this guy out of respect for the fact that he actually told you he was a virgin. That's impressive in itself. A lot of guys wouldn't have had the courage to open up about this very vulnerable part of their masculinity.
Imagine if the roles were reversed and it had been your first time with some dude you met on the computer who then got freaked out when you revealed to him that you were a virgin--how would it feel if he had decided just to ignore you? Being blown off after an intimate and sensitive encounter would crush anyone. Muster up the courage to follow through with this--it's an unpleasant but noble course of action.
You can decide what to say and how to say it--even if you just tell him that you don't want to see him again, do it in the nicest and most straight forward way you can. I'm not sure how many guy's virginity you've taken - but maybe this is a first-time experience for you in that regard. As his first, you have a chance to make the losing of his virginity a positive experience, or at least not a terribly discouraging mess of confusion. Moments like this are awkward, but they are also transformative. As the more experienced lover, you can ease his pain and stop this feeling hanging over your heads. Be gentle, sensitive, and straight forward. Be a human being.
I am a recent grad with student loans working hard to start my career. I am very grateful for my good job, but I still can get very stressed about debt and finances. What is a good strategy to combat financial fear?
Broke As a Joke 2014