Six People to Avoid When Starting a Band

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All illustrations by Dave Watt
Being in a band is hard. Assembling a band is almost impossible. As anyone who's been through a few bands can tell you, meeting a self-proclaimed "musician" should instill about as much enthusiasm in you as meeting someone who is going to college for a career in law enforcement. You're either about to talk to a caring, compassionate, intelligent person or a psychotic, self-serving demon. By the analogy, you can probably guess which is more common.

See also: Six Punk Bands We Don't Need To Talk About Anymore

Despite the intense joy we all take in watching a singer refuse to take the stage until the drummer changes his silk Western-style shirt, there comes a time we must rise up and take a stand. So furrow your brow and focus as we save your sanity by providing six people to avoid when forming a band.

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Dave Watt

6. Attractive Tattoo Asshole

We all know this person--the charismatic, almost accidentally fashionable and uncompromising artist who poetically suffers by refusing to adapt to society. And has a shitload of tattoos, for some reason.

Truth be told, Attractive Tattoo Asshole is a great social companion. Their flashy appearance and gregarious nature makes them a constant spectacle. If you've ever wanted to get into a hundred conversations with a hundred people you'll never want to see again, Attractive Tattoo Asshole is your greatest ally.

Unfortunately, the narcissism they've cultivated to protect their fragile egos usually leads to some sort of nuclear friendship fallout as you learn they're the kind of person that will ditch you at the bar to go have sex with one of your friends. In your bed. Eventually, you'll start to wonder how such a struggling artist managed to get thousands of dollars of ink all over their body. That's when you notice you're missing some of your guitar pedals.

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Dave Watt

5. Americana Reject

I could write a long and articulate passage on the problem with the Americana Reject, but I'm just going to stick to the initial notes I penned when writing up the first draft of this article:

"Boring coffee-drinking ass, hang out in your artisan cocktail bar. Can't even play the accordion. Fedoras suck."

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20 comments
WilliamButthurtYeats
WilliamButthurtYeats

Based on a fair amount of experience (and my own biases), my list would be:


1. Person who constantly flakes out on social plans (they'll also flake out on practice)

2. Person who's in for a good time but doesn't seem willing to do any actual work

3. Person who openly states that they want to join someone else's band becuase they don't have any ideas of their own

4. Person who's always pestering any musician they meet to "jam" (generally means they're not very good)

5. The arrogant person who thinks they're a genius (we all know one)

6. The low self-esteemer (way, way worse than the arrogant person - will poison everyone with their negativity)

John David Riley
John David Riley

Stereotyping is so fun. Like when I say The Village Voice has turned to a crap handout that panders to the same audience that it insults with "articles" like this.

Luis Valentine
Luis Valentine

I love you. wanna date? I don't even care if you're gay. I just wanna meet you I'm on the floor now laughing so hard the least I can do is buy you a drink

Lowry Beall
Lowry Beall

more like six people to avoid when starting a relationship.

Andrew Hutner
Andrew Hutner

I think I am more frightened of the happy hipster

Ray Wu
Ray Wu

Joanne Togati ICYMI

Johnny_Deep
Johnny_Deep

 I fucking love fedoras. Great headwear. 

Richie Vela
Richie Vela

What the hell do you know about starting a band??? And which ones of note do you have to your credit...bafoons!

Martha Hicks Leta
Martha Hicks Leta

With a few minor tweeks this could be adapted as a guide for college freshmen. I'm sending this to my daughter.

Stevart
Stevart

With a few minor tweeks it could adapted as a guide for anything.  Even music critics.

andrewrobertailes
andrewrobertailes topcommenter

The rule of thumb is that you should always avoid music critics unless you are driving your car

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