Ask Andrew W.K.: How Do I Get My Girlfriend to Play With My Butt?

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Photo: Jonathon Thorpe
[Editor's note: Every week New York City's own Andrew W.K. takes your life questions, and sets you safely down the right path to a solution, a purpose or -- no surprise here -- a party. Need his help? Just ask: AskAWK@villagevoice.com]

Dear Andrew,

I love my girlfriend, but she's a bore in the bedroom. My previous girlfriend had crazy sex with me. She introduced me to a lot of stuff, like playing with my ass. I couldn't even begin to ask my new conservative girlfriend about ass play. Or can I? To put it bluntly, how do I get my new girlfriend to play with my ass?

- Ass Play

See also: Ask Andrew W.K.: Should I Experiment With the Same Sex?

Dear Ass Play,

I think it's pretty rare that your best sex is with your best girlfriend. This is where the term "hate fuck" comes from. This is also why pornography exists. Some people claim the best sex they've had is with their current partner. And if that's true, then awesome! But more often, the people we want to spend our time with don't necessarily deliver in every single area, including sex. It's like dating Michael Jordan and expecting him to be as good at baking cakes as he is at dunking basketballs.

Sex and love are related and intertwined, but they're also very different and separate phenomena. That's why you can have a genuine love for your sister, but not want to have sexual intercourse with her. Similarly, you can have a fantastic physical experience with someone you don't like very much as a person, and wonder "Why do I love fucking this person when they're so annoying?"

It's confusing.

For some reason, difficult and complicated people often provide passionate and thrilling sexual experiences. It seems that, for them, the sexual experience is often a way to escape the anguish of an otherwise stressful life -- it's a massive release. I've had a lot of friends who have remained in toxic relationships because the sex was good, yet they complained constantly about how irritating their partner was. It's hard to argue with that logic to an extent, because orgasms are great. But at some point, your heart and soul want more.

I think everyone has an "ultimate" sexual experience with another person, or even themselves. That experience is so intense and overwhelming you kind of end up reckoning with it for the rest of your life. You compare it with every other experience that comes after, and with every person you interact with. And as you compare those experiences, you realize it's unrealistic to expect your experiences to "measure up" to previous ones -- it's also unnecessary and tiring.

Be glad you had any experiences at all. Be glad you had great sex at all. Be glad you can remember it. Be glad you can store it in the Rolodex of your mind and refer to it, especially in moments of self pleasure. Be glad you're not dead. Be glad you can be glad.

In addition, remember that time and your brain can exaggerate your memory. Thinking back to your earlier life can add an incredible sheen of excitement and unattainable quality to the experiences you had before. If you were suddenly having sex with the "ass play" girl again, it might fall short of what you remembered. Or it might even be better than the sex you had before.

The point is, there will always be a higher high, a sexier sex, a fancier fancy, etc... Despite the fact that sexuality is a fundamental aspect of our very being, it is also a sensational experience that should be treated with respect, doubt, and humor.

You'll never be able to have "the best sex you ever had," because you can always imagine a few more adjustments and modifications that would make it even better. And next thing you know, you're spending all your time and effort trying to achieve the best sex ever. It's a noble effort, but do you really want to spend your time doing this?

You have to ask yourself, is having the most mindblowing sex that anyone's ever had important to you? Or is it just another distraction amidst the crushing intensity of being alive in general? Talk to your girlfriend about playing with your ass, but also cherish what experiences you've already had with her and others. Use whatever mental images you have for moments of self-pleasure. Cherish your life and all that you've experienced. Keep on moving forward and keep on accumulating life-material. Don't just to fuel your orgasm -- fuel you. And have some fun!

Your friend,
Andrew W.K.

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19 comments
singervet
singervet

my thoughts about the real question not answered are two fold:


one is to chat about it before, go into sexy wants and desires - maybe she has some things to get off her chest that she has been afraid to reveal


the other is during sex to explore with her, do some things with HER ass and if she likes or is pleasantly surprised let her know you'd like some too


best of luck!

SpaceInvader
SpaceInvader

More good advice from Andrew!! To add in my female perspective: you can try asking, but(t), to be totally honest, if she's not doing it she probably doesn't want to. 


Usually I'm all about askinga partner what they want + experimenting but I think ass play is either there or isnt. Maybe try grabbing her hand and putting in in that area? Feel out if she gets uncomfortable or was waiting for your invite. And please, if she's not into it dont bring it up again / convince her. When she wants to, she'll know you're waiting for it.

i.am.very.silly
i.am.very.silly

Open up your relationship man. Bring more love in, more life.

nicolekrystyn
nicolekrystyn

Andrew's words of wisdom are spot on. I think to answer "Ass Play's" question though, he should start a conversation. If you can't talk about sex with your current partner, then what are you doing? It's a great way to know each other better and to understand the other person's wants and needs. That doesn't mean the girlfriend has to do it if she's uncomfortable, but you don't know until you ask! Start slow and talk often.

Steve Bergkamp
Steve Bergkamp

Thats easy. Break up with her and date a gay dude.

Karen Dean
Karen Dean

give her latex gloves and ask her? i'm not a former model but can i have an advice column, too?

mn_oss
mn_oss

I was quite scared to read this response but I was pleasantly surprised. The lovely thing about this advice is that it can be extrapolated and applied to all life experiences and not merely ass play. Why ruin a good thing by comparing it to something in the past? It's like not being able to enjoy a perfectly delicious pizza today because I had a possibly better tasting pizza yesterday. Never again! Thanks Andrew!

Jennifer Horton
Jennifer Horton

Give her a broom handle.....I'm sure at one point, you've at least deserved that.

Tim Cox
Tim Cox

Put a pair of shoes or a purse up there.

smilers
smilers

andrew---we love that you can go way out and you can write about these abstract concepts within the human experience with such clarity. I'd say that If you wanted a girl to play with your butt, take it slow. Maybe whisper stuff to her while you are doing it—maybe not as crazy as touching your butt at first. What do I know though

Tim Cox
Tim Cox

Put some shoes or a purse up there!

Hannah Palmer Egan
Hannah Palmer Egan

I love this and get what he's saying, but he totally ducks the question of how to talk buttsex w/ your prude lover.

bosqsti
bosqsti

You didn't answer the important question...how?

BeccaChan
BeccaChan

This escalated to NYPD sex quickly.

srnewman29
srnewman29

QUIT BEING PUSSIES AND JUST ASK. JESUS>

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