Get to Know the Toronto Raptors

Categories: Drake

Drakecropped.jpg
Drake
Position
: SMALL FORWARD
Last School: U Mad
Unafraid to speak his mind, Drake (aka Aubrey aka Wheelchair Jimmy) recently gave Brooklyn some bulletin board material when he said that one-time (1/15th of 1%) Nets owner Jay Z was "somewhere eating a fondue plate" in an attempt to add a bit of class tension to the first round series. Stockier and more muscular than the average three, he possesses the long-range accuracy of a Kevin Durant, and can slash to the hoop like Carmelo Anthony, which is pretty impressive for a guy who sweats white Zinfandel.

Poutine560.jpg
An Order of Poutine
Position
: SHOOTING GUARD
College: It's a pile of fries topped with gravy and cheese curds
Named to the team after the author of this post decided not to force another blurb about Drake, poutine is, presumably, Rob Ford's favorite food. Here's a list of the places in Toronto he probably eats it.


James Goldstein
HEAD COACH

Described by many as the NBA's biggest superfan despite the fact that he always wears the same stone-faced expression while watching the sport (like in this pic here, during The Shot that ultimately decided last year's Finals), the Raptors hired Goldstein as their head coach after becoming covetous of his baller mansion in LA, which they first saw in the 2 Chainz video "Feds Watching." It also didn't hurt that Goldstein was the only one who answered "Yes" to the question, "Could you watch this team play for 82 games a season?" His enthusiasm for the sport and for this team has been contagious, and though an early promise to change the team uniforms to head-to-toe alligator-skin suits and a neckerchief seemed an ominous misstep out of the gate, he's clearly found a way to lead these three Drakes, Rob Ford, and a plate of fries that works.

Brian McManus is an NBA historian. Follow him on Twitter @mcguilloteen.

Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

The 10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time>
The Top 15 Things That Annoy the Crap Out of Your Local Sound Guy



Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help

Now Trending

New York Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...