Six Reasons People Have Sex With Musicians

Categories: Lists

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Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.
Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting. (Or horrible and boring.)

See also: Six Punk Bands We Don't Need To Talk About Anymore

Lucky for you there are experts out here who are willing to explore these issues and state the hard-hitting facts without consulting nerdy, wallflower scientists. Below, we bless you with six reasons all people are programmed to lust after musicians.

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Look at this guy. He looks like a desperate trophy wife trying to seduce you with a Jacuzzi and blackberry brandy. And yet the ladies love him.

6. Musicians Will Have Sex With You

We all do a lot of pretty dumb things for attention, locked as we are in the eternal struggle to think well of ourselves. So alas, there are plenty of people who use being an artist as an accessory, in the same way you might see greasy, insecure bags of shit speeding down residential neighborhood streets in their $40,000 cars. Many musicians bleed and ooze this same insecurity in every self-absorbed interaction.

That, friends, means they will probably have sex with you. They're easy targets.

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Buzz from the Melvins once called Ozzy a buck-toothed mummy, and he wasn't wrong. And yet still, Ozzy has had sex at least enough times to produce two horrible children.

5. People Are Impressed by Things They Can't Do

There's this mind-numbingly simple concept the entire world seems mystified by: If you want to do something, you have to try to do it. But because people are so reluctant to embrace their fear of failure or of looking stupid, most people do nothing themselves. Instead, they idolize and impart some sort of magical values on people who do the things they wish they were doing.

Example: According to 2013 figures from the National Institute of Mental Health, 5.3 million people report having a social phobia. A miserable, marginally talented jobber stands up on a stage and displays something personal, transforming him into a demigod as powerful as Gozer the Gozerian for millions of people. Only instead of destroying the world, he gets laid sometimes.


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55 comments
Eric Eddy
Eric Eddy

Reposting this crap just to irritate critics? Very Petty of you, VV Facebook-intern.

gazfuk
gazfuk

That attack on Tom...very petty.

Kevin Mícheál
Kevin Mícheál

Why the fuck does the VV keep reposting this article? Fucking waste of space McManus is. Stop posting this garbage!

Stephen Marchese
Stephen Marchese

I am amazed this trash is back around again. I almost think it is a deliberate attempt to annoy those people who spoke up. Well maybe we should boycott the Village Voice on the street and let allll the advertisers know it.

Kevin Brady
Kevin Brady

Six reasons why people have sex with Brian Mcmanus. Oh wait, they don't.

Kevin Brady
Kevin Brady

It's sad what became of the Village Voice. Oh well, all good things must end.

Kevin Brady
Kevin Brady

So the dickhead author removed his insult from the other day on Petty. I hear Buzzfeed is hiring.

Lucas Fahey
Lucas Fahey

I had a laugh! Amazing, hilarious and a little sad what moves us at various times.

Kenneth Hinegardner
Kenneth Hinegardner

Sounds like the author needs to get laid. It's a shame that we're still at a point in society where it's okay to make fun of someone's looks, even a rock star. Journalism at its best.

LoquaciousOne
LoquaciousOne

commenters mad because they want to feel like their favorite music, and ergo their favorite musicians have something truly otherworldly, instead of just being the first ape to represent a cool chord progression, gleaned and maybe copied from myriad artists who came before them. Or they're musicians who are mad that anyone would dare criticize the ritualistic and routine spell they weave, making light of the shallowness that usually accompanies a non-musical type's infactuation with a musical one.. 

Steve Hunt
Steve Hunt

Based on the thumbnail, one of the reasons better be "Because Tom Petty"

Mitchell Sternbach
Mitchell Sternbach

Moron who wrote this article makes a very convincing case for why people wouldn't want to have sex with Him.

Tara Elliott
Tara Elliott

Why this writer feels the need to knock down artists is immature. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Kevin Mícheál
Kevin Mícheál

That comment about Tom Petty is insulting Mr. McManus....go fuck yourself.....

Michael Dicarlis
Michael Dicarlis

Business Insider marrying the Village Voice to wonk's made in heaven. pure garbage written by another snot nosed shithead.

Eric Eddy
Eric Eddy

McManus? Byline lists that prick, Drew Ailes. The same poser who wrote the "punk" article dissing The Clash, etc. REMEMBER folks, this is NOT the VV of Hentoff, Christgau, Goldstein, Musto, et al. This paper was hijacked by techbro dipshits from Arizona. Look up "New Times Media."

Sandy Simons-Miller
Sandy Simons-Miller

He is a very rude person. My brother was eating at the same restaurant as Tom and he was so rude and mean. Very difficult person. Kept it up Andrade the young waitress cry.

Erica Porter
Erica Porter

People will say anything to seem relevant. What a desperate sad attempt. Tom Petty is on the soundtrack to many of our lives..and your contribution is??

Gina Freitas
Gina Freitas

The control they have over you when performing. Endorphins...

Ted Cantu
Ted Cantu

More hate from new york.......yawn

Mark Masters
Mark Masters

Great job, Brian McManus. Everybody thinks you're a butthole, but you make me laugh and my amusement is way more important than Tom Petty's feelings.

Tara H Gee
Tara H Gee

Brian McAsshole... Douche nozzle

Tara H Gee
Tara H Gee

Who the hell wrote that intro.. You could be flawless but your words just made you into a very ugly person

Michael Gibbons
Michael Gibbons

Tom wrote some of the greatest melodies in Rock - so, as a musician, what are my chances, ladies ? lol

Bassbeast Bloodbath
Bassbeast Bloodbath

WOW...thats rude. Read this headline and immediately had to comment. Great to see others feel the same way. To the writer....bad form...don't be such a cunt

Kevin Brady
Kevin Brady

Taking bets on when Village Voice closes up shop for good. They are in desperation mode now. I say 2 years and bye bye.

Kevin Brady
Kevin Brady

Brian Mcmanus, do you write for Buzzfeed also?

Kevin Brady
Kevin Brady

I remember when Village Voice was a decent publication and didn't resort to crap like this. Jackasses.

Mike Randall
Mike Randall

What a fucking shameful headline. You call this journalism? What kind of useless pricks are you, seriously?

Luis Orozco
Luis Orozco

A fondue pot was.......huh? What the freaking hell are you talking about?

Maple Cake
Maple Cake

you give it to them Mary Ann Barker, I would have sex with Tom...if I was so inclined in that direction which I am not...but I would most certainly stay up all night getting gooned with him

Kimberli Diaz
Kimberli Diaz

Dear whoever is in charge: Please stop publishing this tabloid style garbage. I don't care about the reasons why people have sex with musicians, I want to know the next 6 musicians whose MUSIC I want to sleep with because it's so awesome! V V used to be GO TO for up and coming talent in NYC, V V used to set trends. Now it seems it's following the herd with lazy reporting and lackluster content.

Mary Ann Barker
Mary Ann Barker

Wow, be ashamed VV, what an awful comment about Tom Petty. I don't even know what else to say...is this journalism now? Where have all the real writers gone? And anyway I bet lots of folks find him to be attractive. Bottom line: You are mean. Shitty shitty move guys.

Natalie Gokey
Natalie Gokey

Wow that is mean. I happen to find Tom Petty attractive and let's not forget what is really important he is smart funny and talented. You need to retract and apologize.

John Maida
John Maida

As a musician, should I be offended? Naah, I wish it were that simple! How about "10 reasons people fall in love with musicians after the concert, only to break up with them because they didn't realize how much work and dedication goes into their life's work (not having a passion of their own)".

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