Who Should Star in Aaliyah's Lifetime Biopic?

Categories: Aaliyah

Aaliyah via YouTube
Last week, Zendaya Coleman stepped out of her role as Aaliyah in Lifetime's made-for-tv biopic after a shit ton of criticism was levied by the entire internet (and Aaliyah's family). Luckily, the network that brought us modern classics like Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret and Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever have more than a few tricks up their sleeve to ensure production continues! These are the eight women currently being considered (in our dreams) to fill the shoes of Zendaya Coleman filling the shoes of Aaliyah in Aaliyah: Princess of R&B.

See also: Dissecting the Politically Charged Subtext of Nicki Minaj's "High School" Video

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Lana Del Rey
Lana Del Rey likes upsetting the aesthetic sensibilities of good and wholesome American people almost as much as the Lifetime Network does, so casting her to portray Aaliyah would be the perfect fit. She's got the tragic princess vibe down, and her vacant stare would serve as the perfect melodramatic motif to forewarn impending doom. The inability for people to decide what genre Lana Del Rey is actually singing makes her an extremely useful and versatile vocal talent.

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Azealia Banks
Azealia Banks knows firsthand what it's like to have a promising but short-lived career. There's no way in hell anything she ever does will have the staying potential of Aaliyah's "Try Again" or "I Care 4 U" or "Rock the Boat" or "One in a Million," but what makes Azealia's one-hit-wonder ass stand out is that she has had the unique advantage of being alive to watch her stardom fade. This deep intimacy with anger and pain makes her a great choice to encapsulate the feeling of untapped potential and extreme loss that many fans associate with Aaliyah.

Paula Patton
Assuming the identity of another person is the only way Paula Patton has a chance of escaping the stalker-vision of Robin Thicke. Transforming into the role will give Paula an opportunity to start anew and remind people that the reason she is famous isn't just for being Robin Thicke's poor, poor wife. She's also an "actress." The most important thing is that it would give Paula a chance to reconnect with her primary passion (and for Lifetime Network to make a ridiculous amount of train wreck money).

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