Dim Mak: Hat fetishists since 1996

Perhaps you've heard by now that the once-vaunted, now mostly tolerated post-hardcore label Dim Mak may or may not have allowed Andy San Dimas and a friend to shoot an adult film in the label's poorly constructed bathroom. In honor of the Voice's long-deceased Dirty Pornos blog (R.I.P.), and its former proprietor, Johnny Maldoro, we steeled ourselves and took a look. Follow along here, if you're so inclined...

0:01. Tags on this video, titled "Andy San Dimas fucked in the bathroom": hardcore, blowjob, brunette, tattoo, pussyfucking, hat. Hat?

0:05. Andy San Dimas is wearing a hat.

0:34. Dim Mak warehouse not at all dilapidated or unsanitary for sex.

0:55. Set-up: She's a thief. If San Dimas was going to try to shove so many CDs down her pants, she probably should have worn a different, looser pair of pants.

1:15 Now she's hiding in the bathroom. Is anyone at all surprised that Steve Aoki has papered his entire bathroom with variants on the Dim Mak logo?

1:30. The guy in this video looks like Steve-O. He's got a signing in a half-hour. Into a cellphone: "Fuck, fuck, fuck. Alright man, I'm in the back of the store, and I don't see anything. Where are my fucking CDs?!!" He is completely surrounded by CDs as he says this.

1:53. "I can't see shit! They're absolutely not here." Take off your sunglasses dude! They're right there!

2:27. The Dim Mak urinal is out of order. They trashbagged it and everything.

3:26. San Dimas basically throws CDs onto the bathroom floor until she's "discovered." Enter Steve-O, speaking in what I think is a German accent.

"You like my music?"

"Yeah...I really do."

3:48. Wardrobe malfunction: Steve-O's glasses fall off. Both soldier on like pros.

4:47. Steve-O's dick is out. This scene kind of reminds me of that last Willowz record.

5:44. San Dimas is still wearing a hat.

5:57. Mystery Jets poster in the background.

6:32. "You're such a good rockstar-sucker." Awkward. Pretty sure the only guy who could've pulled that line off is Rocco Siffredi.

7:24. Penetration. Might have to go cop that new Mystery Jets album.

8:15. Or, alternately, the urinal is covered with a trashbag because there was no other place for Andy San Dimas' head to go.

9:49. Hmm...Just realized she no longer has her hat on.

10:42. Steve is a toilet-seat down man. Courteous.

11:23. They're probably gonna need to replace that urinal trashbag before all is said and done.

12:19. Anyone who works at this place has all sorts of American Apparel-type workplace grievance material after this, should they want it...

13:20. Right--that's why they had the toilet-seat down.

14:57. They're getting winded. Only 1:21 to go, guys!

16:18. Or not. This thing cuts off before it ends. Verdict: Didn't Cross My Heart write a song about toilet-fucking on Temporary Contemporary? Or am I remembering that wrong?