Image via The Rap-Up

​Well, a birthday cake for one. M.I.A.'s heart for another. The former act of swordsmanship came on a tour stop in Korea, where she celebrated turning 22 (almost, anyway; the official date is February 20) at the InterContinental Hotel in Seoul. The latter came with her new "Rude Boys" video, which owes what some might call an obvious debt to the visuals in M.I.A.'s "Boyz," though only one song is a blatant ode to dudes who are bedroom champions. Watch the Rihanna version and see if you can't guess which one is which:

​OK, so that almost certainly is not Rihanna, though the location does in fact seem to be New York's own Johnny Utah's, and you can't even actually watch the video here because whatever Celebuzz is, they don't believe in embeds, but whatever, what if it were true? One commenter claims this video is authentic because the woman in question has "Rihanna's BIG FLOPPY FEET." On the other hand, she's not blonde, and Rihanna was in Miami last week and in Japan this week, so--old? Fake? Hilarious? Definitely hilarious. [h/t trusted news source Idolator]

​$100,000--or more. Ditto for Beyonce. If you are not one these lady singers or the Olsen twins, you are in the wrong line of work. [Fashionista]

It took braver men than us to sit through the entirety of the "Hope for Haiti Now" telethon--our taste for artist self-martyrdom/self-aggrandizement is minimal, and since we have no desire to talk to George Clooney or Stevie Wonder personally on the telephone by way of giving money to a desperately necessary cause ($57 million dollars worth!), it seemed like we could go ahead and take Friday night off. But Jay-Z, Bono, and Rihanna most definitely did not. The, um, strident fruits of their labor are below, along with the epic sendoff from the Tonight Show Conan O'Brien staged for himself the same night--essentially a parody of the programming that had preceded him on NBC, starring Will Ferrell, Beck, ZZ Top, Elvis Costello, and Ben Harper. Not enough? How about Jimmy Fallon doing Boyz II Men with the Roots? OK? OK. We're done here.

If this doesn't say it all, don't know what does

Wyclef's Yele charity has recently drawn a firestorm of criticism, but he's not the only musical figure trying to mobilize folks and funds on behalf of Haiti. There's also an impressive number of benefit concerts and music events happening in the city over the next few weeks, plus a series of ongoing efforts from the likes of Lady Gaga to Clipse to Blink-182. Our exhaustive round-up of the ways artists are attempting to involve their fans, and the general public, in the relief effort, be it downloading a new song (or a great cover of an old one), buying a custom T-shirt, or sending that ever-so-simple text message. Did we miss something? Kindly leave it in the comments.

Also featured: A military helmet modified with Mickey Mouse ears, what may or may not be a huge beaver tail, automatic weapons fire, a blatant visual comment about poorly endowed men, and simulated toplessness--flesh colored top, plus nipple duct tape, which..? For context, Jeezy is in full commando regalia and still looks like he's lounging on the block, compared to everyone else's gear here. The song is still great, too, for whatever that's worth. How did they fuck this record up again? [MTVU]

Matt Salacuse

Like I said, silver and pantless

​Rihanna
Hammerstein Ballroom
Thursday, December 3

Rihanna these days is basically carrying on as though she's fronting Nine Inch Nails. And who can blame her. Navigate a truly chaotic, hey-quit-pushing scene outside the Hammerstein (a free show, you see, courtesy of MySpace) and you're greeted by a stage set of creepy armless mannequins and arbitrary stacks of televisions: very Buzz Bin-era MTV. She emerges in a regal getup that, given my lack of fashion acumen, I am only able to describe in two words (silver, pantsless), a giant video screen proffering more visual creepiness behind her (more mannequins, for example, these ones with their heads on fire). And soon, as she's leading a full aggro-goth band through smash pop-r&b sensation of yore "Umbrella," surly power chords overpowering everything, this is what pops in my head.

​She's such a fucking lady! Rob Harvilla's close reading of Rihanna's new record, Rated R, can be found here; "Hard," the song that makes whatever absurd line outside of Hammerstein tomorrow morning maybe worth it, can be heard here. The choice is yours. [MySpace]

​Listen here. Written by Ne-Yo, first single off Rated R, out November 23, and not, alas, a track-by-track cover of the Queens of the Stone Age album. Don't tell me that wouldn't be awesome. But we digress, if only because this is very lovely, and very boring. The problem here is Rihanna is way preferable as a frivolous, carefree, borderline nonsensical Pop Tart (ella, ella, ella, etc.) but everyone expects her to be in Gravitas Mode now, which possibly means lots of grim and quasi-gothic ballads with unpleasant lyrics ("It's too late to think of the value of my life") we'd rather not hear out of Rihanna's mouth for a while/ever again. The Saw VI visual vibe we're getting early on doesn't help. We need The-Dream, and we need him now.

This performance was to be a bit more of an event before Jay-z upstaged it with his own televised concert with these two on Friday night, and then Kanye really upstaged it with what you might call his own solo performance on Sunday, and then Jay Leno's show was revealed to be the exact same garbage show it was before, but all three things also give the version they do here a bit of extra pathos, and it's a surprisingly good one. Frankly, we're surprised Jay-Z is even letting himself be seen in the same room as Kanye right now--but maybe record promotion is record promotion, no matter what kind of silent treatment you're giving your little brother when the cameras go off.