**Online Host**
Welcome to the Painting Your Toenails Chatroom!

BlareUnderwood: Isn't it great being a young country starlet in the new Nashville sound? /paints toe

FastSeamstress: ERMAGARD I know!!! I'm, what, triple platinum or something, aydunno...

BlareUnderwood: It is, like, a dream come true. Yesterday I got hit on by Joe Diffie.

FastSeamstress: eeeee!!!!

BlareUnderwood: If I wanted I could have a store-gy with Big and Rich and Montgomery and Gentry and Brooks and Dunn!

FastSeamstress: omg do you have david archuletas tex number??

BlareUnderwood: nyah hee hee nyah hee /paints toe

FastSeamstress: Just think, I'm like "Fancy" from that Reba McEntire song where she gets a dress and makes a life for herself!

BlareUnderwood: i think that song is about a child prostitute

FastSeamstress: oh

FastSeamstress: well yeah that's still pretty accurate

BlareUnderwood: Well I'm this generation's Tammy Wynette!

FastSeamstress: wasn't she badly beaten and abused and kidnapped from a grocery store or something one time?

BlareUnderwood: Okay then, I'm this generation's Patsy Cline!

FastSeamstress: wasn't she abused by her father when she was little and didn't she die in a plane crash?

FastSeamstress: *whispers* and wasn't she like a size thirty

BlareUnderwood: this generation's Tanya Tucker?

FastSeamstress: wasn't she a drug addict and an alcoholic teenager who slept with everybody?

BlareUnderwood: this generation's Pam Tillis?

FastSeamstress: lost her original face in the war

BlareUnderwood: loretta lynn

FastSeamstress: beaten, abused, had 11 kids before she turned 12

BlareUnderwood: I-

FastSeamstress: What?

BlareUnderwood: Fine! I'm this generation's Dolly Parton!

FastSeamstress: okay, whatev.

BlareUnderwood: She has huge tits and gay people love her!

FastSeamstress: okay, okay, sor-ry

FastSeamstress: hey can i be this generation's dolly parton instead, that sounds awesome

BlareUnderwood: Hell no, you already called child prostitute

FastSeamstress: come owwwwwnnnn /stomps feet

BlareUnderwood: nope, sorry, enjoy your dead roach-infested mother

CorporalMartin: Hey Thom! Long time, no talk!

Away message from SargeantYorke:

CorporalMartin: :(

CorporalMartin: I know you're just jokin'! Let me know when you get back in!

CorporalMartin: Thom? You there?

SargeantYorke: hris martin looks like an emaciated donkey

SargeantYorke: oh, sorry, wrong window.

CorporalMartin: Oh.

CorporalMartin: Well, I was just gonna ask, did you happen to see that we came out with another album?

SargeantYorke: oh did you really

CorporalMartin: Yeah! And y'know, we're pretty big fans of you guys

SargeantYorke: yeah, i heard.

CorporalMartin: oh shit you read that

SargeantYorke:

CorporalMartin: ah, well . . .

so of course, we were curious to see what you thought of our new record!

SargeantYorke: listen man, i don't have time to go to pandora.com, type in "jack johnson bono masturbate" and listen through the radio station for two hours

CorporalMartin: Oh, you don't have to do that. It's in stores!

SargeantYorke: what the fuck is a store

SargeantYorke: anyway i think i get the idea of "coldplay"

SargeantYorke: you sit at a piano and sing falsetto about being sorry

SargeantYorke: oh man, i hope your album has art on it! i hope that art is supposed to symbolize something!

CorporalMartin: Actually, it does! It's a

SargeantYorke: nobody cares

CorporalMartin: Well okey doke then. Sorry to bug you. I just think it'd be really great if you gave it a listen! Honest critique is welcome!

Away message from SargeantYorke:

CorporalMartin: aw jeez

**OnlineHost** Later that evening...

SargeantYorke: oh man, so you wouldn't believe who messaged me today

SargeantYorke: guy is such a douchebag, coldplay sucks so bad

TOM_WAITS: why do you say that

SargeantYorke: well i mean, heh, it's coldplay, come on

TOM_WAITS: son i heard the new coldplay album, it's nothin spectacular but it's really not bad

TOM_WAITS: did you even listen to it or did you just decide to get all snarky about it pre-emptively

SargeantYorke: well

TOM_WAITS: think on this, lazy-eye

TOM_WAITS: and you can get away with goddamn "push/pull revolving doors"

TOM_WAITS: and if we weren't so lucky we might just have to spit our dicks out our mouths and write regular people music

SargeantYorke: well yeah maybe

TOM_WAITS: how about you actually listen to it, i kind of like some songs on there

TOM_WAITS: i'm outta here

CorporalMartin: HEE HAW

RonsonPinchot: aw man, i've got this cigarette in my hand but i don't know what to do with it

LiloAndStench: snort it

RonsonPinchot: i tried, but it don't bend in the middle so it was just stickin half way out my nose

LiloAndStench: then just smoke it, baby

RonsonPinchot: but that seems too committal, like i'm bein passionate about the things i like

LiloAndStench: what if you wet the end and stick it to the bottom of your lip so it dangles there unlit all night

LiloAndStench: that way you look like a cool smoker AND you look so fucked up that you can't even smoke properly

RonsonPinchot: baby you are my multiverse /makes out

LiloAndStench: /makes out in most disconnected way imaginable

**Online Host**
RonsonPinchot and LiloAndStench have been photographed 450,000 times.

RonsonPinchot: baby, do you think we should come out about our relationship

LiloAndStench: which relationship

RonsonPinchot: i dunno

RonsonPinchot: wait

LiloAndStench: what's there to explain? i never had a proper childhood thanks to my stage mom and broken home, and you have drank 65 PBRs in the last 30 minutes

LiloAndStench: we're just havin' fun, doin' what we wanna do

RonsonPinchot: wooooo

LiloAndStench: if we die tonight least we did what we wan'ned to do! now how bout you!

RonsonPinchot: wooo, all right freedome from consequence

LiloAndStench: three cheers for satanism!!

RonsonPinchot: /"does" "drugs"

LiloAndStench: /ages six or seven more years

**Online Host**
HereComesTheMark has entered the chatroom.

HereComesTheMark: hey ladies, i just wanted to pop in to show you my awesome new hat, it's-

HereComesTheMark: aw, are you wearing the same hat

RonsonPinchot: i'm not wearing a hat

HereComesTheMark: hey, i like what your mouth is doing with that cigarette, that looks pretty cool

LiloAndStench: ew gah roas is that a boy, ugh, boys are gah roas

LiloAndStench: hey baby what're you up to after the show

HereComesTheMark: and uh, those things have nothing to do with each other

RonsonPinchot: hey watch this

HereComesTheMark: whoaaaa, when did you learn to DJ

RonsonPinchot: bitch i am so fucken good at dj

HereComesTheMark: welp, looks like you two have things under control here, i've got to take off

LiloAndStench: don't tell me what to do!

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Video Shoot Chat!

woman: /gets out of car, walks a few paces, strips down to underwear, starts fire with lighter fluid and a Zippo

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: mmmf

woman: Why did I just light a fire?

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: /rips off tape from mouth

woman: But the video's only camera switch occurs at the exact moment I turn around, and the fire's behind me. How would that make me show up better?

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: ...

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: Now grab that shovel. I'll flip the hatch and slide into the back seat, and then you act like you're bludgeoning me to death.

woman: I don't understand this either. What's my character's motivation here?

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: Fair enough. Here's the conceit.

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: This video will serve as an epilogue and companion piece for another video featuring this same song.

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: It was an aesthetically neat but otherwise banal video. You're mad because it was terrible.

woman: So? Does my character just roam the countryside and murder people who make crap-ass music videos?

woman: Is there another companion piece? Do I get to garrote McG with a jump rope?

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: Well, the video is too ambiguous to communicate a singular message, so viewers will be left to glean their own interpretations.

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: Most disturbingly, it would be easy for one to interpret it as a vindictive lecture that portrays rape as a consequence.

woman: ...

**OnlineHost** The woman is bludgeoning Kanye West with a shovel.

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: OW OW FUCK WAIT FUCK

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: /manages to open trunk escape, crawls into back seat bruised and bloodied

SargeantYorkeofKarmaPolice: oh hey it's this fuckin' guy again!

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: What are you doing in here?

SargeantYorkeofKarmaPolice: oh you know, we're just hanging out, chasing after this fat dude real slow

SargeantYorkeofKarmaPolice: we started leaking petrol a ways back but fuck it, you know

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: /turns around, looks through back window

**OnlineHost** The fire has spread to a trail of fuel left by the car.

KanyeFeelTheLoveTonight: