The Kanye You Once Loved Is Dead and Gone

Miss this guy
Well, thanks for getting Kim Kardashian knocked up, Kanye?

Ever since the rapper announced from the stage that the world's most famous (and least talented) Armenian is now carrying his seed, everyone's on Kimye baby alert. To tell the truth, I'm starting to think that all the attention being paid to this new development seems like a calculated distraction, something cute and shiny to flash in our faces so we don't talk about the big problem with Kanye: his half-assed rapping these days.

See also:
- Frank Ocean Is Boring: The Year Lifeless Music Found Critical Praise
- Did Cam'ron's Entourage Stiff A Brooklyn Nightlife Promoter For Several Thousand Dollars on NYE?
- The Ten Best New York City Rap Albums of 2012

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Kim Kardashian Ruins A The-Dream Song: Behold the Sad Spectacle of "Jam (Turn It Up)"

We had hopes for this song. We had such fucking hopes for this song. We had so many hopes and dreams for this song we wrote a whole musical about it. And instead it's come to this: a club trifle that in the hands of its creator, pop savant The-Dream, would probably look something a lot like a hit, or at least a charming bit of theme music, and in the mouth of its singer, Kim Kardashian, is nothing short of a disaster, a charmlessly robotic and atonal slog through a song that only requires the bare minimum of commitment and belief--commitment Kardashian inexplicably can't even begin to muster. (The last person to sound this bad on one of this guy's songs was Mariah Carey, and we're pretty sure that was his fault, not hers.) And to think we spent hours scrutinizing what we took to be the fireplace in this photo:

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Here's Video Of Prince Kicking Kim Kardashian Offstage At Madison Square Garden

kim kardashian prince.jpg
Via Kim's Twitter, of course.
Well, this is just stupendous. Prince played his final Madison Square Garden show Monday night, with Cee Lo as an opener and a predictably great set list ("Purple Rain" was the sixth song), but as an overall highlight it's tough to beat pulling Kim Kardashian onstage and then kicking her back off when she won't dance. And if Questlove's word isn't good enough for you, here is remarkably high-quality video of Prince doing basically what America has been trying to do for years now. The man is a national treasure. Skip to 1:00 if you like:

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Live: Justin Bieber Provokes Squeals, Enrique Iglesias Asks a 16-Year-Old On A Date, And Katy Perry Rules All at Z100's Jingle Ball

Z100's Jingle Ball, featuring Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, Paramore, Kim Kardashian, and More
Madison Square Garden
Friday, December 10

Better than: That GIF of sparks coming out of Katy Perry's chest from the "Firework" video.

Yes, Katy Perry looked like a human nutcracker at this year's Z100 Jingle Ball. But let the record also show that she did not take the opportunity to make a single "nutcracker" or "jingle ball" joke during her performance. Perhaps this uncharacteristic display of restraint had something to do with the audience. This is the show where MSG replaces the price-gouging Budweiser booths with price-gouging Sugar Daddies stands. It was probably the first-ever concert for many of the pre-teen girls in attendance. And Perry is well aware of this--you don't become the by-the-book pop star of the year and see all three of your singles hit number one without some idea of demographics. She tailored her location-based shout outs accordingly: "What's up Connecticut?! Jersey?! Can't forget good old Long Island!" (Full disclosure: I grew up on Long Island.)

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The Ballad Of Kim Kardashian And The-Dream Continues, Courtside At A Knicks Game

kardashian dream knicks.jpg
Here we have (courtesy Funkmaster Flex) SOTC deity The-Dream taking in last night's Knicks-Rockets game (guess who won) with Kim Kardashian, continuing their alleged unholy union, about which we have already begun writing a speculative musical. Here, then, are more excerpts from that work in progress:

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The Ballad of Kim Kardashian and The-Dream: A Speculative Musical

Yesterday, TMZ brought word that the reality television star Kim Kardashian was in the studio with superproducer and SOTC hero The-Dream, working on a record. "If The-Dream ends up writing a whole album for/about Kim Kardashian, the Internet is liable to just blow the fuck up," a colleague wrote, which gave us an idea: maybe the The-Dream already has written a whole album for Kim Kardashian. We went back through our lovingly kept Dream archives and realized that everything Kim K needs to make her triumphant pop debut and tell her life story via song has long since been written. All was missing were some stage directions, so we threw those in, and behold: the Kardashian story, as told by The-Dream. Or, as we like to call it, The Ballad of Kim Kardashian and The-Dream: A Speculative Musical. (They can thank us later.) It begins in Kardashians' family home in Los Angeles, high in the Hollywood Hills....

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