Have you been feeling that the National Anthem is getting a bit tired? Feel like you need to spice up your sense of patriotism? Well, then thank God for the internet and R. Kelly.

See also: What's So Funny About A Little Bump N' Grind? R. Kelly, Frank Ocean, And The "Right" Kind Of R&B

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Jesus H. Christ, R. Kelly!

After five long years, the Pied Piper of r&b finally debuted a batch of new chapters in his usually scandalous, occasionally histrionic, often times ridiculous (and possibly Broadway bound) hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet on Friday night. Airing in one, big clump over on IFC, chapters 23 through 33 are over 40 minutes of R. Kelly once again reminding us that, when it comes to serial storytelling, the man is about as focused as a 8-year-old kid hopped up on Monster energy drinks and chocolate-covered coffee beans.

See Also:
- R. Kelly Is Hanging On The Telephone
- R. Kelly Got Jokes - Sex addict, preacher, comedian: the many sides of r&b's Pied Piper
- R. Kelly's Write Me Back Rides The Retro Soulacoaster

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R. Kelly.

In case you haven't yet gotten your fill, over the past couple of years, of artists beating Aaliyah samples into a flavorless pulp, not to worry—Yeasayer frontman Chris Keating has got your back. In a Rolling Stone interview published this week, Keating recalls being struck by watching high school classmates dancing to "Are You That Somebody," despite not being into "mainstream music" at the time; he then cites Aaliyah as a major influence on Yeasayer's new record, Fragrant World. Who am I to say—perhaps Aaliyah and the Supafriends truly did resonate with Keating all these years, although it did take until his band's third album for this influence to supposedly manifest itself. Or perhaps, what with a certain Canadian rapper engaging in obsessive melodic fan-fiction, Aaliyah's name is just on peoples' lips at the moment. Or perhaps Keating and his bandmates got the memo that, hey, R&B isn't totally embarrassing anymore—or at least, a specific type of it.

Which brings us to Frank Ocean. Apparently Yeasayer and Ocean were both at the Wythe Hotel on the day of the interview, which led to a receptionist mixup, which led to Keating being asked his thoughts on Ocean. His reply: "I think he is a good new face for the R&B world right now, to kind of usher out—no pun intended—some of these folks. Because, let's get real, R. Kelly is a terrible person. I like R. Kelly and how crazy he is, but he's a terrible piece of shit, a horrible person, really bad all around. Let's get rid of him. Let's gay it up a little [in R&B]." It seems that in between his initial Aaliyah encounter (which would have been just after the release of One in a Million) and his band's music being influenced by her, Keating neglected to Google and find out that Kelly wrote and produced the vast majority of her debut Age Ain't Nothing but a Number.

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The true story of how R. Kelly became R. Belly

R. Kelly's Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me was supposed to be a soul-baring memoir. "I'm tired of being misunderstood," he said 2009 SmileyBooks statement. "I will show you the tears, fears, and sweat. I will open my heart and reveal the good in my life as well as all the drama."

Soulacoaster was slated to come out, then it wasn't, then it was. Maura got a sneak preview and noted that the "memoir" began with a recollection of "the singer hiding in a drum case." There was also a Tribeca Kells' signing scheduled, and then that wasn't. Now, Robert Sylvester's Tribeca Barnes & Noble signing has been rescheduled rescheduled for August 10. The maybe-possibly-maybe details:

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Around this time last year, I saw R. Kelly at the Prudential Center, and it was one of the most impressive live spectacles I've been witness to in my two-plus decades of attending big arena shows; there was an onstage bar complete with cocktail-shaking mixologist, an acapella reworking of his 1994 single "Bump N' Grind" accompanied by video footage of a bunch of mouths—just mouths—singing the lascivious lyrics opera-style, bras being thrown from the crowd. (That the lingerie-tosser was sitting in the arena bowl, and not on the floor, made it even more noteworthy.)

At the center of it was Kelly, the self-proclaimed Pied Piper Of R&B—with good reason. Vocally, he's one of pop's premier male talents, able to throw out instantly hummable melodies seemingly on command; as a songwriter, he's as able to craft throwbacky love songs that don't sound like retro schlock as he is to write deadly serious sex jams. He's one of those performers who throws himself so fully into whatever he's doing that it's unnerving to irony-damaged observers, who tend to react to him with the equivalent of an uneasy laugh. When he performed "The Star-Spangled Banner" before a boxing match in 2005, inflating the United States' bombastic anthem with just enough air so that it could sound like an extended remix of his floaty 2003 hit "Step In The Name Of Love," he outraged some, delighted others, and perplexed even more. The Trapped In The Closet series, a soap opera suite of songs with a plot that could populate The Jerry Springer Show for a month, seemingly anticipated most of its parodists; even "Weird Al" Yankovic's riff on getting fast food that was based on it, "Trapped In The Drive-In," couldn't hold a candle to Kelly's tales of affairs and other forms of deception.

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Kelly's Soulacoaster cover

Remember last fall's hullabaloo surrounding R. Kelly's memoir Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me? First announced back in December 2009, Kelly's book was originally slated for last November 15, but then mysteriously disappeared from online retailers a few days earlier, only to be pushed back to spring 2012.

That deadline may've come and gone, but we can officially confirm that the book finally has a release date and it's soon--next Thursday, June 28, to coincide with Kell's upcoming full-length Write Me Back. If you're one of the unfortunate few who can't make it to the R. Kelly cruise, Robert Sylvester will be signing Soulacoaster copies at the Tribeca Barnes and Noble, from six to eight pm, that same day. We will not be able to shut up about this book for months.

The press release going out tomorrow is below.

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Evans The Death.

In this week's Voice I offered up a midseason report of sorts, listing 12 particularly outstanding tracks from this year. Here, for your listening pleasure, are the 12 songs in streamable form (via a combination of YouTube and Soundcloud so as to not lock anyone—or any songs—out). Happy listening, and if you'd like to share a 2012 song that's particularly tickled your ears, by all means do so in the comments.

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R. Kelly's 2010 throwback album Love Letter was one of my favorite records of that year, full of romance and and aesthetics that grabbed from Sam Cooke, late-night smooth-jazz playlists. ("Taxi Cab," in particular, is a corker.) His follow-up to Love Letter is reportedly going to be called Write Me Back; today the first single, the string-drenched "Share My Love," hit the Internet, and if it's any indication, the two albums are going to be of a sort of epistolary piece. "Share" does seem a bit tossed-off—Kells can seemingly make joyous, uptempo love songs as easily as I can toast my morning English muffin. But that is not a bad thing, because what the world needs now, etc., etc. Clip below.

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The Album of the Year nominees, as presented by Katy Perry.

Last night's Grammy nominations show was full of pomp, eyeliner, and people on Twitter becoming very confused. Here's the complete list of nominees; below, 20 questions that we're still wrestling with some 14 hours after the broadcast signed off.

1. "Super Bass": Robbed or totally robbed?

2. Now that Rihanna is officially an Album Artist thanks to her Album of the Year nod for Loud, are critics going to rush to reevaluate Talk That Talk before they file their Best Of '11 lists?

3. A song from freakin' Family Guy gets a nod in the Best Song Written For Visual Media category but the Lonely Island's "Jack Sparrow" doesn't? Come on.

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R. Kelly took the publicity storm engendered by the news of his possibly upcoming memoir Soulacoaster to release a song via his Twitter account. The track's titled "Shut Up," and it's dedicated to those people who doubted that he'd be able to come back... from the emergency throat surgery he underwent in July. Well, first he thanks his fans, and God, and how focused his doctors were. But then he gets into the "negative shit" that surrounded him while he was in recovery, getting a couple of digs in at one singer who, despite being compared to him, doe not have his innate baby-making energy. People who called him "washed up" and done are also enter his melismatic crosshairs. And, oh yeah, he can still sing; he shows off his still-existent ability to get off a falsetto lick or two here and there, and at one point imitates a whippoorwill. (Swear.) Clip below.

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