**Online Host**
Welcome to the Painting Your Toenails Chatroom!

BlareUnderwood: Isn't it great being a young country starlet in the new Nashville sound? /paints toe

FastSeamstress: ERMAGARD I know!!! I'm, what, triple platinum or something, aydunno...

BlareUnderwood: It is, like, a dream come true. Yesterday I got hit on by Joe Diffie.

FastSeamstress: eeeee!!!!

BlareUnderwood: If I wanted I could have a store-gy with Big and Rich and Montgomery and Gentry and Brooks and Dunn!

FastSeamstress: omg do you have david archuletas tex number??

BlareUnderwood: nyah hee hee nyah hee /paints toe

FastSeamstress: Just think, I'm like "Fancy" from that Reba McEntire song where she gets a dress and makes a life for herself!

BlareUnderwood: i think that song is about a child prostitute

FastSeamstress: oh

FastSeamstress: well yeah that's still pretty accurate

BlareUnderwood: Well I'm this generation's Tammy Wynette!

FastSeamstress: wasn't she badly beaten and abused and kidnapped from a grocery store or something one time?

BlareUnderwood: Okay then, I'm this generation's Patsy Cline!

FastSeamstress: wasn't she abused by her father when she was little and didn't she die in a plane crash?

FastSeamstress: *whispers* and wasn't she like a size thirty

BlareUnderwood: this generation's Tanya Tucker?

FastSeamstress: wasn't she a drug addict and an alcoholic teenager who slept with everybody?

BlareUnderwood: this generation's Pam Tillis?

FastSeamstress: lost her original face in the war

BlareUnderwood: loretta lynn

FastSeamstress: beaten, abused, had 11 kids before she turned 12

BlareUnderwood: I-

FastSeamstress: What?

BlareUnderwood: Fine! I'm this generation's Dolly Parton!

FastSeamstress: okay, whatev.

BlareUnderwood: She has huge tits and gay people love her!

FastSeamstress: okay, okay, sor-ry

FastSeamstress: hey can i be this generation's dolly parton instead, that sounds awesome

BlareUnderwood: Hell no, you already called child prostitute

FastSeamstress: come owwwwwnnnn /stomps feet

BlareUnderwood: nope, sorry, enjoy your dead roach-infested mother

RonsonPinchot: aw man, i've got this cigarette in my hand but i don't know what to do with it

LiloAndStench: snort it

RonsonPinchot: i tried, but it don't bend in the middle so it was just stickin half way out my nose

LiloAndStench: then just smoke it, baby

RonsonPinchot: but that seems too committal, like i'm bein passionate about the things i like

LiloAndStench: what if you wet the end and stick it to the bottom of your lip so it dangles there unlit all night

LiloAndStench: that way you look like a cool smoker AND you look so fucked up that you can't even smoke properly

RonsonPinchot: baby you are my multiverse /makes out

LiloAndStench: /makes out in most disconnected way imaginable

**Online Host**
RonsonPinchot and LiloAndStench have been photographed 450,000 times.

RonsonPinchot: baby, do you think we should come out about our relationship

LiloAndStench: which relationship

RonsonPinchot: i dunno

RonsonPinchot: wait

LiloAndStench: what's there to explain? i never had a proper childhood thanks to my stage mom and broken home, and you have drank 65 PBRs in the last 30 minutes

LiloAndStench: we're just havin' fun, doin' what we wanna do

RonsonPinchot: wooooo

LiloAndStench: if we die tonight least we did what we wan'ned to do! now how bout you!

RonsonPinchot: wooo, all right freedome from consequence

LiloAndStench: three cheers for satanism!!

RonsonPinchot: /"does" "drugs"

LiloAndStench: /ages six or seven more years

**Online Host**
HereComesTheMark has entered the chatroom.

HereComesTheMark: hey ladies, i just wanted to pop in to show you my awesome new hat, it's-

HereComesTheMark: aw, are you wearing the same hat

RonsonPinchot: i'm not wearing a hat

HereComesTheMark: hey, i like what your mouth is doing with that cigarette, that looks pretty cool

LiloAndStench: ew gah roas is that a boy, ugh, boys are gah roas

LiloAndStench: hey baby what're you up to after the show

HereComesTheMark: and uh, those things have nothing to do with each other

RonsonPinchot: hey watch this

HereComesTheMark: whoaaaa, when did you learn to DJ

RonsonPinchot: bitch i am so fucken good at dj

HereComesTheMark: welp, looks like you two have things under control here, i've got to take off

LiloAndStench: don't tell me what to do!

**Online Host**
Welcome to the MTV HITS Chatroom!

HayleysComment: Hi, I'm Hayley!

FarrosTomb: I'm either Zac or Josh!

LetMyPeopleGo: I think I'm Josh, but I could be Zac!

KingJeremyTheWicked: i haven't been in the band for like three years but nobody notices because i am invisible and no one has ever looked at me

HayleysComment: and we're PARAMORE~! Thanks for peepin' in and tunin' out our Hit List here on MTV Hits!

HayleysComment: for those of you who aren't familiar with us, we're a rock and roll band who sings about rock and roll and has subtle Christian rock foundations

HayleysComment: so of course the first video on our hit list is "Lollipop" by Lil' Wayne

FarrosTomb: snicker snicker

HayleysComment: Lil' Wayne is a great artist and we like to dance to his musics

LetMyPeopleGo: /throws up horns randomly

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Lil' Wayne Video Chatroom!

LilAbner: /raps into a didgeridoo

blip blip blip blip blip blip like a lawlly pot

blip blip blip blip blip blip like a lawlly pot

EnormousBlackAss: *shakes*

LilAbner: back it up like erp erp

EnormousBlackAss: like what

**Online Host**
35 minute commercial break has entered the chatroom!

HayleysComment: ...welcome back everybody, we're Paramore and thanks for watchin' our video hit list...

LetMyPeopleGo: /laughs to self for no reason

HayleysComment: we have an album called "RIOT" with an exclamation point, so our next choice is Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body"

HayleysComment: listening to Mariah's music has taught me a lot as a song writer

HayleysComment: like in the song crushcrushcrush when I say " Just the one, two I was just counting on"

FarrosTomb: oh yeah, what was the original line again?

HayleysComment: "Just like the one, three I was just counting on"

FarrosTomb: we have really grown as a band

LetMyPeopleGo: /throws up horns just before camera cuts away

CashAndCarey: nay hoooo
nay hooo ooo ooo

/sings for several minutes before the music starts

CashAndCarey: If it's a camera up in here then it's gonna leave wit me when I, do! I, do!

If it's a camera up in here then I best not catch this flick on You, Tube! You, Tube!

CashAndCarey: An I might consider downloadin' the torrent if I can find it on Ask Jeeves and depending on how much time and bandwidth my schedule and computer allow me

baby

CashAndCarey: oooh, touch my body

**Online Host**
The Mariah Carey Video Chatroom is followed by an hour and 15 minutes of the same advertisement for Real World: Hollywood on loop.

KingJeremyTheWicked: can anyone hear me

hello

HayleysComment: Up next is *my* favorite video evar, which is, as our fans know, "Whatever Video MTV Wants Us To Play"

enjoy

LetMyPeopleGo: /HORNSSSS

HayleysComment: For the last video, the guys in the band said they wanted something high fantasy, because too many videos are just people playing concerts or walking around

MovieProducer: Julie! Julie Taymor! Good to see you, babe!

listen...

MovieProducer: "Across the Universe" is great, we all love what you did with it, buuuut, heh heh, it's old news, babe, it's been out on DVD for a while now...

MovieProducer: ...and we were just wondering, you know, if you had your next project lined up....

LionTaymor: oh, uhhhh /shuffles papers

well sure I've got all kinds of great ideas, about, uhhhh

LionTaymor: uhhh my next idea was to... was tooooo....

to take somebody else's work and color all over it?

MovieProducer: that's BEAUTIFUL! Heh heh, that's the Julie Taymor we know and love.

And we're hoping this one will be music related, too? Yes?

LionTaymor: ...oooof course! Yes! Yes of course, this one is music related, too!

MovieProducer: Outstanding! Which of music's great legends have you chosen to equate with a troubled period of American history this time?

MovieProducer: Let me guess! Bob Dylan! No, they just made his biopic... The Rolling Stones? No, couldn't be them, Scorsese covered them...

LionTaymor: /thinks about record collection growing up

**Online Host**
13 months later...

/fade in

Noah: /sits on a beach with purple sand, pouts

*singing* Jenny was lovely, she was the queen of my nights....

**Online Host**
Clip art of the hostage crisis in Iran mixed with footage of a typewriter mixed with footage of a piglet being dropped into a bucket of paint plays under broken audio of Jimmy Carter.

Noah: /walks down city street in vintage clothes, has modern day haircut

Jenny, what's troubling you?

Jenny: sigh, I was reading this book, but the words stopped in mid-sentence at the bottom! What.. what do I do, Noah?

Noah: "turn the page"

/turns page

Jenny: /falls in love amidst turmoil

**Online Host**
One soldier CGI'd to look like 500 soldiers march over a tiny gas station with very little gas.

Soldiers!: Out of our way, you "beautiful losers!" We're on our way to fight a WAR in "Katmandu!"

Jenny: what do you mean by that!

Noah: I think they're goin' to Katmandu!

Jenny: noah no /collapses in slow motion, hair looks like it's underwater

**Online Host**
From acclaimed director Julie Taymor, the visionary who brought you "Across the Universe" and that version of Titus where everyone is in bodypaint and helmets...

Noah: Jenny, I've got to get out of here. This war is too much war! I'm going "The Distance" and leaving the "Nutbush City Limits" at "Nine Tonight"...

Jenny: you're "Like a Rock," Noah, always running "Against the Wind"...

**Online Host**
. . . comes a story of love in the American heartland set to the era defining sounds of Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band . . .

MaryLou: /sings a Tina Turner-esque version of "Old Time Rock n' Roll" for absolutely no fucking reason

**Online Host**
This mid-Autumn when nothing else is coming out, we invite you and your gay friend and his fat girl best friend to witness the motion picture event of three decades ago...

**Online Host**
"We've Got Tonight"

This film is rated R for mild language, pervasive smoking, and occasional solarized titties.

FromWentzItCame: /holds camera above head, pulls out wiener

StumpTheYard: hey pete, whatcha up to

FromWentzItCame: sighhhh nm just trying to finish writing this song

StumpTheYard: sure, I'm always willing to help. What do you have so far?

FromWentzItCame: it's a song about polar bears titled "plr br"

StumpTheYard: okay well you already took out the vowels, today's kids will be able to follow it

StumpTheYard: have you tried adding a complete sentence before or after plr br? that might get the ol' greasy juices flowin'

FromWentzItCame: *lament* ya for a while the song was called "y/n 2 B that is the question, whether tis nobler in th plr br"

FromWentzItCame: an i hopped in a circle on it for a few hrs but it just never flt rght

StumpTheYard: would it help if when I'm singing "polar bear" I only sing the first half of the word? Like, I can go PAH! LER BAH!

StumpTheYard: AH! GOT NO TOY! FOR PLAH BAH! instead of "i've got no time for polar bears" et al.

FromWentzItCame: lol ^_^ ya that would rilly help

FromWentzItCame: ~!!! (idear)

FromWentzItCame: that way i could cm up wth a series of convoluted plays on wrds that have nothing 2 do w/ the song

StumpTheYard: That's a great idea! Isn't that what you've done for the last seven years?

FromWentzItCame: bly

FromWentzItCame: i could cll the sng "an eskimo freezes his balls off when he's polar bare"

StumpTheYard: yesss you could call it "amy poehler had a headache so she took some polar bayer"

FromWentzItCame: "election stresses were more than the poller could bear"

StumpTheYard: as long as it's about a relationship

FromWentzItCame: well doy wh d y thnk _ m

**Online Host**
Ashlee Simpson has entered the chatroom!

DumbAsh: hay guys what's goin awn

FromWentzItCame: hey bb /licks computer screen

DumbAsh: what're you doin' later, I was thinking we could go out and get tattoos of each others names and then get them removed

FromWentzItCame: o thatd be s. grt

StumpTheYard: you mean autograph?

DumbAsh: /stands motionless for several seconds

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Sean Kingston's Travel Service Chat!

KingstonZissou: YO!!

Shorty: Sean honey I need you to stop shouting declaratively for a second and help me finalize these vacation plans.

Shorty: Do you have any ideas? Where are you going to take me?

KingstonZissou: we could go to the tropics, sip piña coladas, shordy I could dake you dere

Shorty: Hey, that sounds pretty nice! A beach vacation!

KingstonZissou: or we can go to the slums where killers get hung, shordy I could dake you dere

Shorty: uh, what

KingstonZissou: you know I could dake yaaaa

Shorty: I do not want to go where killers get hung for vacation

KingstonZissou: Babe it's up to you, it's whatever you like

Shorty: the ghetto where they kill killers you mean

KingstonZissou: Baby girl I know it's rough but come wit me, we can dake a trip to da hood, it's no problem girl it's my city I could dake you dere

KingstonZissou: these are Jamaican hoods of course so they differ significantly from your common American hood

KingstonZissou: Little kid wit guns only 15 roamin' the streets up to no good. When gun shots just watch us, run quickly, I could show you where

KingstonZissou: in fact I've got a map which spotlights a lot of great places to quickly run when the 15 year olds start firing at us

KingstonZissou: or, I mean, we could go to paradise if that is more of the fun day out you are looking for

Shorty: hmm, let me think

KingstonZissou: yes absolutely

Shorty: and the 15 year olds will shoot as us indiscriminately if they are not aware of us whilst in the hood, correct

KingstonZissou: yes but I am a celebrity so they will probably not shoot me, or you by proxy

Shorty: and if by some chance I do see them kill somebody I will also see them hung

KingstonZissou: almost definitely

Shorty: Ugh, hold on a sec . . . how did you date this guy for so long?

boring_and_natasha: I keep comin' back to him 'cause I'll never find a love like this!

Shorty: Really? What causes that, specifically?

boring_and_natasha: a unique and cosmically specific bond between people who-

that's as far as I can get into that song without vomiting

AuroraBareilles: oh my god this has been the best girls day out evarrr, we should toteally do this again

GoinBackToCaillat: lol you can count me in

TheWayIM: clap clap clap clap

AuroraBareilles: oh my gyod have you guys been watching american idol, douchebag contestant is syooo cute

GoinBackToCaillat: I want to hug him in my cuddly arms, and squish him with my crinkled smile!

TheWayIM: clap clap

GoinBackToCaillat: oh my god look a HALLMARK STORE

AuroraBareilles: oh my gyod i went in here last week and they had a precious moments figurine where the two kids were KISSINGGGGG

GoinBackToCaillat: aaaah that is TYOO CYUTE it's got me feelin' like a child now!

AuroraBareilles: and WON of them was holding a heart-shaped BYOX of CHYOCOLATES and the OTHER WON was holding a DOVE

GoinBackToCaillat: aaaah

TheWayIM: /claps giddily

AuroraBareilles: oh my god they have sesame street stuff here

GoinBackToCaillat: I remember that show! It was cuteeeee

TheWayIM: That's where I learned to write songs!

AuroraBareilles: oh muh gaw you guys i just realized, the three of us standing in a hallmark store surrounded by plushies and kissing baby dolls is maybe, just maybe, the CYUTEST THING EVARRR

GoinBackToCaillat: No, I think your squiddly face and your snoogy woogum oogums are the cutest thing evarrr!!!!

TheWayIM: no I think your rumbly tumbly bum is the cutest thing evar, times in-fanity, times a million!

AuroraBareilles: aaah this is so sweet i'm just gonna die

TheWayIM: my head is going to explode and chocolate covered rainbows are going to fall out of my head hole!

GoinBackToCaillat: I'm named after cheese!!

AuroraBareilles: aaah

TheWayIM: aaaaah

GoinBackToCaillat: AAAAAH

Mayernaise: Excuse me, can I help you ladies find anything?

McKayver: For my next release I have narrowed down the song choices from 100,000 to an even 240.

McKayver: If we put ten songs on each disc we can release it in two boxed set volumes of 12 discs each.

McKayver: The cover of volume 1 is me giving you the finger with the title "Norah Jones Can Eat Shit."

RecordProducer: we can't do that

McKayver: We can market it toward young people who like jazz music but think it needs more cursing.

RecordProducer: we're making one album with a super thin cardboard cover and you only get ten songs

RecordProducer: let's have them, your ten best

McKayver: all right, track one is a ragtime composition where I stop in the middle to battle rap Frank French

McKayver: track two is called BEER ME O LORD and I play the Flamenco Guitar with my elbows and it kinda sounds like shit, but that's what I'm going for

McKayver: then for track three we change gears completely with chamber music~!

McKayver: then some light instrumental jazz where I sign in portuguese

McKayver: are you liking this

the back of the album is going to be a candid photo of me hugging a pigeon

RecordProducer: sigh

what's the last song on the album

McKayver: it's a really straight-forward, beautifully performed, catchy song where my influences shine and I really come into my own.

RecordProducer: whoa, really? sweet

McKayver: and in the chorus we have, say, babies screaming

RecordProducer: no

McKayver: gunshots, old people screaming, blood splatter

RecordProducer: no

McKayver: chainsaws, howling dogs

RecordProducer: no

McKayver: zombie noises

RecordProducer: no

sigh, okay, zombie noises

McKayver: excellent! a really straight-forward, beautifully performed, catchy song with zombie noises!

McKayver: /plays piano like psychopath

/does not blink

RecordProducer: we're going to be poor and weird forever

McKayver: but you love me right

RecordProducer: more than anything in the world