Despite every living rapper seemingly being just a phone call away, Miami radio personality/record executive/professional shouter DJ Khaled has never once put out a good album. He's been 0-for-5 (yes, DJ Khaled has released five albums), and Kiss the Ring, his sixth record, is on the horizon.
Khaled's albums have two main problems. The first: They're never fun, which can largely be attributed to Khaled's obsession with grandiose proclamations of kingship and immortality. Almost every song on his albums is weighed down by Khaled's false and self-inflated belief that history is being made in his presence, when it certainly is not. The result is a distinct air of obligation; every star on his albums sounds like a contract killer who would rather just turn the gun on himself. The second problem is that, at least since his first album, Khaled mostly just throws rappers and singers on tracks without any regard for how they might sound together. It's almost easier to believe that he was literally just picking names out of a hat when figuring out who should be on which track. Soulja Boy, Birdman and Bun B? Sure! Trey Songz, Fat Joe and Ray J? Okay! (By the way, Khaled has been the president of Def Jam South since 2009.)
That brings us to Kiss the Ring. Like every Khaled album, enough spaghetti has been thrown on the wall to feed a family of four, which means there will be a lot of spaghetti sliding onto the floor. It's always more fun to imagine Khaled's songs than it is to listen to them, so this is a ranking of every song on his upcoming album, ordered from least repulsive-sounding to most repulsive-sounding. Three of these songs are already out, but we can still imagine which songs may be better or worse.More »