Vince Bucci/FOX

Alice Cooper and the Idols

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8:01pm. It's a sad night, and not because we're saying goodbye to another season of Idol, not because we're saying goodbye to Simon Cowell, but because they managed to drag this out to a two-hour production of group sings and product placements.

8:04pm. Here are our two finalists, Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox, and they are oddly dressed as school-children.

8:05pm. And here are the other finalists also dressed in school uniforms, singing "School's Out for the Summer." There's awesome Siobhan Magnus, and that clown-faced girl Lacey something. Orianthi, who could not have been pimped any more by this program, is on guitar. An entire high school choir comes out, and then Alice Cooper. For some reason they only shoot Orianthi from below which makes for a disorienting effect.

8:14pm. Kris Allen sings again. What is this, his fourth appearance this season? At least he can say winning Idol does lead to work.

8:18pm. We see the first of many recorded tributes to Simon Cowell involving Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest loving each other in a dressing room.

8:19pm. Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly (ok, wouldn't have been my first choice of pairing) duet on the Bee Gee's "How Deep is Your Love?" Oh! And then the actual Bee Gees take over! So it's a LiteFM-themed show tonight.

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9:00pm. The stupid movie-style opening credits sequence explains that this show "stars" Crystal Bowersox, Lee DeWyze, etc. In clips from last night, the judges are all raving about performances. Ok, what show were they watching?

9:03pm. Special Guests: Bon Jovi! Daughtry! And Fantasia! I hope Fantasia's performance is better than last year, when she basically ran around the stage yelling "Yeah!" "Come on!" "Woo!"

9:04pm. Well that's quick, here's Fantasia. Guess she has something to do after. So far the only word is "Ohhhh." Outlook not good. Ok, no, here's words. She pushes out her chorus "When I think about you" like she's trying to make a stool sample. Ooh, a spoken middle. She's wearing like a sparkly circus ringleader's tux jacket, though it really could have used longer tails.

9:08pm. Fantasia's little daughter is 9 years old! I have been following this show WAYYYY too long. Oh god, I'm ancient. Wait, Fantasia was on Season 3 and her daughter was 2. That would make her daughter 8, no? Looks like not knowing how to spell isn't Fantasia's only problem...

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Goodbye, Aaron Kelly. CR: Michael Becker / FOX.

​I hear Lady Gaga's in the house tonight for the Cinco de Mayo installment of the results show, and hopefully singing a Frank Sinatra song. Or duetting with Harry Connick, Jr. That would be awwwwesome.

9:03pm. Group sing: the four boys sing "The Lady is a Tramp" and does that make Crystal Bowersox the tramp? Aaron Kelly then opens "It Was a Very Good Year" in the season's most ironic assignment: "When I was 17..." Crystal seems like she's the only one signing live through "I've Got the World on a String." Then there are a few more Sinatra songs--I'm sure you can imagine what it's like.

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Frank Micelotta / FOX

Shakira goes country, kind of

​"Picture this:" says Ryan Seacrest. "Rascal Flatts and Shakira." I'm picturing it, I'm getting up, I'm turning off my TV.

Sigh. If only that were an option. Instead, I can't actually look away from the trainwreck that is another results show. Especially when Ryan follows that up with, "My hips will lie." Awesome.

The first video montage is a behind-the-scenes look at the Ford music video. Siobhan glares into the camera and bares her natural fangs, saying, "Today we become vampires." Is this some sort of Siobhan Magnus role-play what-I-do-for-fun kind of thing? After the Ford people do their vampire makeup, Siobhan looks exactly the same. Crystal's pretty convincing, too. Trying to take a nap, she says, "If you don't get that camera out of my face, I'm gonna bite you. Seriously." The mini-doc is at least twice as long and a million times more interesting than the resulting music video.

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Michael Becker / FOX

Baby-Hugger Simon Cowell

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Two hours? Really?

Because tonight's annual philanthropic extravaganza adds an extra hour onto the already too long results show (far too much to ask of any live-blogger, in my opinion), I'll be checking in intermittently throughout the night, which promises to be chock full of heartwarming baby-hugging scenes and cheesy musical interludes. On the roster: Elton John, Black Eyed Peas, Alicia Keys, Carrie Underwood, Annie Lennox, and the emcee talents of the black lesbian version of Ryan Seacrest, Queen Latifah.

8:00pm. Well, they certainly kicked things off with a bang: a message from Barack and Michelle. The President quotes Randy Jackson: "You're all my dawgs." He never seemed more like someone's dorky dad.

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Bye, Katie

Michael Becker / FOX

​"Carmina Burana" is supposed to signal just how intense they wish the show would be tonight. Yes, there are two people getting kicked off, but otherwise there's a performance from Season 7's serial false-starting nanny Brooke White, and Adam Lambert--who was never very good at keeping an air of mystery about him.

The Top 9-redux lipsynchs an Elvis medley. How come in these medleys Crystal always sounds meek and girlish? Siobhan Magnus looks exactly like Sandra Bernhard. And I guess since she kind of sings like her (not right now, but in general), so that's awesome. The songs include Elvis's most boring: "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love," "Teddy Bear," etc. The Idol' actually start to fall asleep during "Return to Sender." Things (barely) pick up for "Viva Las Vegas": Michael Lynche dry humps Crystal, and Lee looks like he's holding Andrew Garcia's butt for their duet.

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Rihanna shows Lennon and McCartney how it's done. Photo by Michael Becker / FOX

​Who will be the casualty of Lennon-McCartney night? All bets are off after last night's truly weird show. Tim Urban and Katie Stevens singing well? Crystal Bowersox referring to Lee DeWyze and Andrew Garcia's Danny Gokey babies? What's happening here?

9:02pm. Let's guess who will be in tonight's bottom three, because there's nothing better to do right now while Ryan jabbers. Aaron Kelly, Andrew Garcia, and here's a wild pick, Siobhan Magnus. Maybe?

9:03pm. Kara looks like she was styled for a Ren Fair ball. The crew discuss what they will be donating to Idol Gives Back next(?) week.

9:05pm. Group sing! Everyone in black and white. Lee DeWyze opens it with an uncomfortable falsetto. Michael Lynche and Aaron Kelly follow suit. Crystal sounds weirdly Broadway. I think they might actually be singing, that's the only explanation for how bad this sounds, until they get to the chorus of whatever Lennon-McCartney song this is and it's canned again.

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Michael Becker /FOX

Who Won't Be on the Idol Tour?

​9:04pm. I'm contemplating life right now, and the course it takes when in one day you can go from interviewing Johnny Rotten to live-blogging about the 11 remaining contestants of American Idol snapping and lipsynching "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go."

9:10pm. The Ford Music Video Shoot! Balloons, or balls in a fountain. My friend says, "I'm sure Crystal Bowersox is mortified by all of this." But I don't agree anymore, after seeing how starstruck she was getting Miley Cyrus to sign her guitarlast night.

9:12pm. Casey James tells a story that goes something like this: "I made a mistake in rehearsal. And then I corrected it."

9:13pm. Katie Stevens says her dad can't watch her and her brother in competition because he's nervous. In the course of this, she admits her dad drinks, and her brother is also part of this creepy pageanty performing family thing.

9:14pm. Video footage of Michael Lynche with his baby strapped to his belly. Baby aside, is he getting bigger?

9:15pm. Results: Those who make it through tonight will be on the Idol tour this summer. Siobhan's combover is still happening. She's safe. Lee and Casey rise, and have to stay standing through Tim and Paige, which goes on for a good long time. Let the boys sit! Ryan sends Paige to the Bottom 3, and Tim follows. And Lee and Casey are still just standing there awkwardly, while we go to a commercial.

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Michael Becker/ FOX

Tim Urban, not the worst this week.

​Even though we've been watching this show for three months, Idol apparently only began last night. The contestants got to sing on a bigger stage, and had to make something out of the Rolling Stones songbook instead of the total freedom to sing "Put Your Records On," "Alone," and "Hallelujah." And what do we get for that? An entire hour of results-show blither before we get down to the elimination of one single person a week.

9:00pm. A heartwarming reflection upon the Top 12's journey from selection at Hollywood through last night.

9:03pm. Ryan Seacrest references St. Patrick's Day, and the auditorium turns green for a second. Foreshadowing a step-dance during the Stones group-sing? Let's hope...

9:04pm. The judges' save. They're doing that again? Simon explains: up until the Top 5, if the judges decide unanimously, a loser can stay.

9:05pm. David Cook performing "Jumpin' Jack Flash." Seems to be losing his hair. Or has a mullet and a combover. Is that possible? See, this is why Lee Dewyze isn't going to make it very far, because we already have one giant-headed unassuming growly rock boy, who does it just a little better.

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Michael Becker/ FOX

Fans of the first contestant to be called "indie" by an American Idol judge--as a compliment--were shocked last night by the elimination of Lilly Scott. When she received the news from Ryan Seacrest, the Colorado native did nothing to hide her genuine disappointment with the audience at home. "I don't know what America wants to hear," she said.

Today on a conference call, Scott elaborated on that sentiment, saying she felt like her fans just weren't there for her. "My voting demographic is underground," she said. "They probably don't even own a TV, or were doing something more productive than voting, like riding a bike." The "underground market" was exactly who Scott said she was targeting with her performances, saying she would have liked to do numbers by Radiohead and Bjork, but was urged by producers to instead cover Sam Cooke and Patsy Cline, as she did in her
final week with "I Fall to Pieces." That advice wasn't enough to help her win over the mainstream. "Maybe it was time to go out with a bang, so I could keep my indie cred."

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