Six Reasons Your Band Shouldn't Play Longer Than 20 Minutes

Categories: Lists

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Tom Coates/Flickr
Imagine you're on a date and you're telling a story. It's a long one, but you know it's a winner. Everyone always loves this story. Three quarters of the way to the punch line, you notice a shift in your date's behavior. She's glancing at the door, bouncing her leg or messing with her hair. Does she want a cigarette? Does she need another drink to quell the anxiety?

Moments like these separate perceptive and considerate people from torturous, self-indulgent-asshole ones. The first will recognize the proper social cues and say something like, "Hey, let's grab another drink, and I'll finish this in a minute." The latter, however, will continue endlessly flapping their tight red gums, concentrating on themselves and their immediate needs.

See also: Common Misconceptions About Being in a Band

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Six Types of Music Nerds We Tolerate

Categories: Lists

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Dave Watt
Much like the dreaded hipster, "music nerd" is a loaded term. Not that obsessing over vinyl, headphones, tour dates, and Dutch tape music will get you stuffed in a metaphorical locker, or anything--nowadays, nerds are embraced as society's cool kids (see: the San Francisco tech boom, the North Brooklyn music explosion, the mainstreaming of Comic Con, Game Of Thrones, etc). But being a hardcore music nerd? Unless you never leave the safe, weirdo beardo confines of Brooklyn, admitting your love for epic doom metal, chiptune, '80s college rock, or avant free jazz could result in a lot of side-eyeing (depending on your audience and attitude, of course).

Anyway, music nerds: Maybe you love them, maybe you hate them, maybe you ARE one. Whatever your relationship with these dollar bin dumpster divers, however, chances are you've met a few. And, much like a music nerd's record collection, the very term itself can be divided into myriad sub-genres. Let's flip through them together, shall we?

See also: Six People to Avoid When Starting a Band

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Six Legitimate Reasons to Make Art

Categories: Lists

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Steven Depolo/Flickr
A factor in the decline of decent art was recently dragged onto center stage by the New York Times in an article called "Brooklyn Communal Cool: The Brand." The piece, authored by a person who spells "mic" like "mike," focuses on a communal-living quarters in Brooklyn called the Clubhouse and its ties to a "new media" company called BKLYN1834. And if you couldn't guess by the fact that somebody started a company without any vowels, it's a bunch of bullshit.

Here's a choice quote that basically sums up the article:

See also: Six Punk Bands We Don't Need To Talk About Anymore

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Six Bands I Would Fight If I Could

Categories: Lists

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Buckcherry, who really should be on this list six times.
In the most head-shaking news ever unleashed on the Internet, it was revealed that rapper/necrophiliac/federal agent impersonator DMX had been in talks to fight George Zimmerman, the infamous idiot who gunned down young Trayvon Martin. Luckily for humanity and overall decency in general, the fight has been called off after an outpouring of disapproval.

The whole shitshow got me thinking, though, about fighting and musicians and poor taste in general, and which musical artists I would gladly rain blows upon if given the legal chance to do so. These six bands that I'd like to fight.

(Oh, and if you happen to be in one of these groups, let's set this shit up. Your move, Buckcherry.)

See also: Six Punk Bands We Don't Need To Talk About Anymore


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Top 10 Metal Love Songs

Categories: Lists

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Opeth
In honor of St. Valentine's Day, we wanted to offer you a list of love songs. But, these aren't the ordinary love songs about boys falling in love with girls, or girls getting their heart broken. The following heavy metal songs represent the madness and chaos of love's firm grip on the human psyche. These songs all include tales of torment, romance, lust, sexuality, jealousy, betrayal, the question of evil and the nature of sadomasochism, and even the unspeakable acts of the sexually/criminally insane. Most of all, these songs are passionate and full of that spirit and energy (and rage) that only love can conjure. We now present Metal's Top 10 Love Songs.

See also: Ten Metal Albums to Hear Before You Die

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Six Badass Flute Bands That Aren't Jethro Tull

Categories: Lists

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Ian Anderson: Hero to flute-rock enthusiasts everywhere.
I remember in the sixth grade when we were all arbitrarily assigned instruments to learn. It was hell for broke parents who were now forced to buy or rent instruments they knew were just going to collect dust in a broom closet. And it was hell for us kids, because when you are a young boy, everything around you is considered to be a weapon. I got a trombone that I would use the arm of to smack the kid in front of me. It was relatively neutral and genderless, rendering me safe from Ross, the gigantic twelve-year-old Italian kid with the thin mustache. Others were not so lucky, and had to endure the torment that comes with playing the soft, emasculating flute.

See also: Six Punk Bands We Don't Need To Talk About Anymore

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The Six Musicians Who Most Love Outer Space

Categories: Lists

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Thomas Claveirole
Recently, I stopped drinking alcohol for a few weeks due to a severe case of "turning into a tremendously fat man." As a result, I've been compensating by drinking cold press coffee--a dark, sludgy substance that resembles the loneliness of space. It makes me feel like my brain is made out of tiny shimmering stars. Anyway, in order to keep with the theme of how distant and out of it I'm feeling, I'm doling out a six-sized list of artists from OUTER SPACE.

See also: Six Punk Bands We Don't Need To Talk About Anymore

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The 10 Best Birthday Bars in New York City

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Greenwood Park's Facebook Page
Birthdays are hard. Of course it's about you. But really, it's about everyone else, especially if you're stepping up to plan the party yourself: whom to invite, whom not to invite, how to congratulate yourself for being born without feeling too self-important, whether to celebrate the day of or wait until the weekend, and most important of all, where to do the damn thing. This is usually where a good watering hole comes in. The right birthday bar perfects a rather unscientific formula (lighting [atmosphere] + alcohol [types x price] + location [proximity to subway/availability of cabs] + things to do other than drinking and talking = good times) that facilitates instant friendships between people meeting for the first time, i.e. all your guests, whose enjoyment you've been so worried about. And this, in turn, lets the birthday boy or girl and de facto host relax already, enjoy themselves, and focus on remaining upright after so many free rail whiskey shots.

With all this in mind, we've assembled a list of our favorite birthday bars in Brooklyn and Manhattan. Some of them have drink specials for your special day, one encourages bar dancing, another has disco bocce, and many are simply great bars for a lot of people to spend quality time in, regardless of what day it is. As Ben Franklin didn't actually say, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy," and you should be happy on your birthday.

See also: The 10 Best Jukebox Bars in New York City

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Six Nerdy Groups With Intolerable Fans

Categories: Lists

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Press Photo
Ween
Surfer Blood. Vampire Weekend. Imagine Dragons. Bowling for Soup. Slightly Stoopid. I've ignored every single one of these bands for one reason and one reason alone: terrible band names. In this culture, we have so many things competing for our attention at all times that our brains naturally has an override mechanism that steps in and sorts things out. You'll ignore an advertisement for something you actually want because it's the wrong color scheme. Or ignore a band over something as trivial as its name. Or, in some cases, on account of its intolerable fans.

That band might be great, but the dorks that preach its gospel are so off-putting it makes it impossible to give their music a chance. The following six bands are nerdy in their own separate ways, but there is one unifying theme between all of them: their fans are intolerable.

See also: Six Punk Bands We Don't Need To Talk About Anymore

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10 Other Weird Music Videos Released Years After the Song

Categories: Lists

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WikiMedia Commons
Yesterday, Bob Dylan's website released a bonkers interactive music video to "Like a Rolling Stone." Its media player, concocted by a company called Interlude, lets you experience a few minutes of flipping through a satellite TV hookup on which everyone is lip-synching to the 48-year-old classic. A BBC newscaster, some History Channel talking heads, the insufferable stars of The Bachelor, a bunch of kiddie cartoon characters, Drew Carey and the Price Is Right models--they all want to know "how does it feel?"

See also: New "Bootleg Series" Edition Revisits Reviled Period for Bob Dylan

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