Pondering the Beautiful and Complicated Contradiction That Is Josh Groban and His New Song "Brave"

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I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you, dear reader, are probably not in the Josh Groban demographic. I'm not exactly sure what the Josh Groban demographic is, but I'm almost certain it doesn't involve reading blogs, or knowing what they are. My guess is that Josh Groban fans stick to the Missing Child Prayer Alert/My Google Won't Download corners of the web. I'm not in his demographic either, but for some reason I find Josh Groban fascinating.

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Six Reasons That Wallpaper.'s "BEST SONG EVERRR" Will Actually Be 2012's Song Of The Summer

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This guy.
Yesterday I posted a list of six potential summer jams—those songs that will be inescapable in the city this summer. But by limiting myself to only songs that I liked, I blinded myself to the song that is probably going to be as inescapable-slash-suffocating this summer as LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem" was last summer. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Wallpaper. (yes, with a period—punctuation is huge in 2K12), a Bay Area outfit whose frontman claims to be more than "a sweet pair of shades and a gold-plated microphone"—he's actually "you and me and everyone we know on our best night ever, positively #STUPiDFACEDD, champagnin' with no plans in the morning." (Hashtag his.) In keeping with his superlative ways, the single that he just released is called "FUCKING BEST SONG EVERRR," or in its cleaned-up-for-broadcast version "BEST SONG EVERRR." The first time I heard it I was kind of horrified; the fifth time I heard it I realized that it is going to be huge by, say, this time next month. Six reasons why, along with its video (which I think was partially inspired by Chris Weingarten coining the term "glitter-puke" here a couple of years back), below.

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The 11 Most Infuriating Songs Of 2011, No. 1: Jessie J Featuring B.o.B, "Price Tag"

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Ahhhh!!
The Song: Jessie J, "Price Tag"
The Crimes: Using what might be the entirety of her label's marketing budget to convince the world that she actually functions on a higher, post-capitalistic level; "video hos"; "ch-chang-cha-chang"; "bla-bling-bla-bling."

The year's most grueling pop personality was, without a doubt, the BRIT School-bred British yelper known as Jessie J. Born Jessica Cornish and known before 2011 as one of the people who helped birth Miley Cyrus's "Party In The USA," Jessie drop-kicked herself into the American consciousness earlier this year with one of those "big in the UK, but unknown here" Saturday Night Live performances, then stuck around, thanks in large part to her handlers booking her in any venue—the MTV Video Music Awards, VH1 Divas Live, your mom's 65th-birthday party—that might help up her Q rating.

While it's true that she could hold a note or two here and there, Jessie's barky voice and insistence on indulging every vocal trick in the book (stuttering, scatting, fake patois) turned her debut Who You Are (Universal Republic) into one of the year's most excruciating albums to sit through, a Katy Perry-like bludgeoning through pop that lacked even the scant amount of charm or self-awareness possessed by that singer. No song on Who You Are was more aggravating than the Dr. Luke and Claude Kelly-penned "Price Tag," a schlocky bit of lite reggae during which Miss J tries to be down with the recessionary populace she's shoved herself in front of by claiming that "we don't need your money, money, money" because "we just wanna make the world dance." Wait, does that mean those Vevo ads for your new video were paid for in hip-shakes?


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The 11 Most Infuriating Songs Of 2011, No. 3: [White Person], [White Person Cutely/Seriously Performing Urban-Radio Hit]

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The Songs: Karmin, "Super Bass" and "Look At Me Now" and way too many others; Mac Lethal, "Cook Wit Me Now"; Jackson Foote and friends, "Get Low"; Sophia Grace, "Super Bass"; probably more that are shooting up the Reddit charts right now.
The Crimes: Anti-pop snobbery; humorlessness in the name of "musicality"; pandering to the commenting hordes on tech blogs who consider themselves above pop music, but not above being catered to directly and embarrassingly. And let's not forget the racist viral hit of late November, Texts From Bennett, which came from one of the above auteurs.

Internet attention is precious currency for up-and-coming bands, who have to make their way past a torrent of acts both established and brand-new in order to get themselves heard. Those artists who have figured out that a pretty easy way to skip the line, so to speak, is to pander to the world of social-news sites—places like Reddit and Digg that are overwhelmingly male and extremely pop-averse, among other things—have held a depressing competitive advantage over the past few years, with their modest successes breeding breathless "future of the biz" stories that led to even more success and press and so on. There's one other common thread between all these musicians; the geek-beloved strummer Jonathan Coulton, for example, suggests that people listen to his chiming cover of "Baby Got Back" before almost anything else he's recorded; last year, the Bay Area duo Pomplamoose snagged a deal to annoy TV-watching Americans during the holidays after thrilling Digg and with wall-eyed, "real-music" versions of fun songs like "Single Ladies" and "Telephone."

Yes; even though it's been some 27 years since "Rappin' Duke," the "white people turn urban-radio tropes into something more similar to what they might listen to, with hilarity possibly ensuing" tack is still guaranteed to hit pay dirt among certain subgroups of people who consider themselves both musical aesthetes and "geeks." Whether they're cowed by the technologically forward production (irony alert!), unsure of which Urban Dictionary definition to use when figuring out just what the lyrics might mean, or just trying to fight the man, man (never mind that their computers were made by multinational conglomerates), these sorts of covers still get eaten up by YouTube viewers like they're ice-cream sundaes made by dairy geniuses. And thanks to the increased importance of "virality" in 2011, artists who took this tack were often rewarded by showers of likes, buckets of retweets, and hordes of people delighting in the knowledge that there were a lot of people out there whose noses were all upturned at exactly the same angle—which meant that they could only multiply. The four most egregious examples below.


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The 11 Most Infuriating Songs Of 2011, No. 7: Maroon 5 Featuring Christina Aguilera, "Moves Like Jagger"

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The Song: Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera, "Moves Like Jagger"
The Crimes: Profligate whistling, misplaced sass, wholly unsexy instruction to "take [Levine] by the tongue."

Earlier this year, both Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera were coming off what might be called "soft landings"—the lite-funk outfit's 2010 album Hands All Over received a tepid reception from the marketplace, while the pint-sized belter was coming off punishing reactions to both her overstuffed robo-pop collection Bionic and the "so bad, it can't even be so bad that it's good" pile of camp Burlesque. Then NBC stepped in and hired them both as coaches on their translation of the Dutch talent show The Voice, and what do you know? Being on TV made Americans realize that they still existed, and had even been putting out music in recent months that wasn't as terrible as some doubters wanted to claim. The only way to properly react to this development was, of course, a cash-in single.


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The 11 Most Infuriating Songs Of 2011, No. 9: Katy Perry Featuring Missy Elliott, "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) (Remix)"

The Song: Katy Perry Featuring Missy Elliott, "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) (Remix)"
The Crimes: Chart-jacking, inanity, wasting the long-M.I.A. Missy Elliott on a nothing verse, allowing lazy writers to compare Teenage Dream to Bad because, seriously, as fucking if.

The story of Katy Perry's chart domination in 2011 is one that has been chronicled in this space amply by our own Chris Molanphy, and hoo boy is it a depressing one, if appropriately in keeping with Perry's overall brute-force nature. Briefly: She notched five chart-topping singles from her 2010 album Teenage Dream, matching the record-setting total of No. 1s that Michael Jackson achieved with his much superior album Bad. Two of those No. 1s had their tracks to the top greased by grafted-on verses from popular rappers. (A third remix-assisted single might just do the same thing and help her break the record.) The first to do so, the t.A.T.u.-pilfering ode to intergalactic other-sex "E.T.," got a boost from a creepy Kanye West verse; the second, the overly self-consciously '80s-homaging "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)," was the track to tie Jackson's record, and a rush-released remix with a few bars from Missy Elliott helped take it to the top.


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Six Awful Things About Karmin's "Crash Your Party"

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Tonight is Z100's Jingle Ball—headlined by Lady Gaga! with a set by Kelly Clarkson!—and the top-40 station's annual celebration of its playlist's biggest stars will be co-hosted by the duo Karmin, a pair of Berklee-educated musicians from Boston who rose to prominence earlier this year with a competent, semi-serious cover of "Look At Me Now." As you might expect, the "white people performing a self-consciously jokey version of an urban hit" trope was a big hit among those who read the Internet, and Karmin even honored the social-news site Reddit for its support in the video for its cover of Lil Wayne's "6'7'." (This comment on that clip has 60 "likes": "u turn shit in to music." Hooray!) Earlier this fall they released their first major-label single, the Black Sheep-sampling attention-hog dis "Crash Your Party," and, well... imagine a boot covered in pictures of Pomplamoose and Jessie J and the band that white-boy covered "Boyz N The Hood" a few years back stomping on a human face. Forever. Six specific problems with it after the jump.

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Why Do People Loathe Nickelback So Much? (And Do They Deserve It?)

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People are in a bit of an uproar over this week's announcement that Nickelback—the Canadian post-grungers whose seventh album, Here And Now, comes out later this month—would be the halftime entertainment during the Thanksgiving Day NFL tilt between the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers, which will be played at Ford Field in Detroit and which is one of the two NFL games beamed all over the country on Turkey Day.

There have been numerous blog posts. There's a petition, which has engendered even more blog posts and actual news stories. Nobody from the band's camp has commented yet, but I'm sure they're wondering what I am: Why are Chad Kroeger and his rock comrades pilloried, when, say, bands with similar aesthetics like Seether and Staind are still around, too? It's not just the sort of misplaced patriotism that recoils at the idea of a Canadian band serving as the centerpiece of televised entertainment on the most American of holidays.

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Salem "Remix" Britney Spears, To Disappointing Ends


What's the music industry equivalent of a Razzie--the top spot on our year-end worst songs countdown? 2010 honorees Salem may have just taken the top spot on this year's list with their "remix" of Britney Spears' apocalyptically catchy jam "Til The World Ends." It's hard to even call their version a remix, because it appears that the "witch house" gang just ran the original through GarageBand and slowed it down (a la others' treatment of Bieber). Britney's voice is absolutely wrecked, with the effects making her sound more like a dying whale than a pop superstar.


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The 20 Worst Songs of 2010, #1: Train, "Hey, Soul Sister"

F2K10 has been a countdown of the 20 worst songs of 2010. Relieve the journey here.

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The future of rock music, right here.
Here are some important things to know about Train's "Hey, Soul Sister."

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