Stop Using These Clichés When Writing About Music

Categories: Handy Guides

CloudNothings560.jpg
Cloud Nothings' Here and Nowhere Else: "Powerfully utilitarian."
On Monday, I read the following sentence on a popular music website about the new Cloud Nothings album: "The band continues to make powerfully utilitarian music for people who don't seek out this type of music just to be told what to think." I read it over and over again until my eyes rolled back into my head. It is perhaps the most inscrutable piece of music writing ever published, because not only does it imply that some people turn to a band like Cloud Nothings to "be told what to think," it also makes the claim that Cloud Nothings somehow subvert that expectation. I'm fairly certain when Dylan Baldi was playing back his new album, he wasn't thinking "Yeah, fuck all those people who want me to tell them what to think!" It's the kind of sentence you only write after spending far too much time in tight, circular critic-logic that gets more and more abstracted from reality over time. We've all been there, and we will all pay for our sins, so consider this devotional. The following clichés should be forever eradicated from music discourse. It's not too late to save our souls.

See also: How Not To Write About Female Musicians: A Handy Guide

More »

Hayley Williams Rock Star Life in Quotes

Categories: Handy Guides

hayley_quote5.jpg
Jena Ardell
Paramore is back and busier than ever. The band just completed its first destination cruise with fans (cleverly dubbed Parahoy!), which included four days and nights aboard the Norwegian Pearl, sailing from Miami, Florida, to Great Stirrup Cay in the Bahamas.

Fans enjoyed two outdoor shows by Paramore, a Q&A on the cruise ship's deck and myriad onboard activities while sailing to the Bahamas. Other acts included Tegan and Sara and New Found Glory.

See also: Live: Paramore Ends Their Year And Celebrates Their Label At Terminal 5


More »

Michael Bolton = Sex

Categories: Handy Guides

michael_bolton_1quote.jpg
Illustration: Jena Ardell
Did you know that Michael Bolton's real last name is "Bolotin"? (It's pronounced "below-tin.") Or that he is a major Scrabble nerd? These are important things to know.

Bolton's talent supersedes any genre. He has worked with an eclectic array of musicians, including Pavarotti, Cher, Barbra Streisand, Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Lady Gaga, Percy Sledge, Ne-Yo, Kanye West and Jay-Z.

See also: Does Michael Bolton Have Soul? An Illustrated Guide

More »

The Inside Scoop on All The Cool Things Happening at SXSW

Categories: Handy Guides

Moz.jpg
Hey guys! SXSW is just around the corner! It's the most exciting time for the music industry! With so much relevant stuff happening, it can be hard to process it all! Don't worry, deep breaths, we got you! We have the inside scoop on where all the hip kids are going to be this week, and you're in luck, because we're happy to clue you in to all the completely real/totally not fake* super secret cool stuff going on. Let's go!

See also: How To Do SXSW Like A Grizzled Old Man

More »

Rihanna Hates the Media

Categories: Handy Guides

rihanna_quote6.jpg
Illustration: Jena Ardell
Happy Birthday to Rihanna! The sexpot singer turned 26 last week. What's more, she smokes pot and quotes Bible verses! Why? Because, f**k you, that's why! You don't know her. Only god can judge. So here she is, sticking out her metaphorical tongue to the media dares to judge her. You aren't worthy. Sincerely, Rihanna.


Illustrated quotation above via elleuk.com.

See also: An Illustrated Guide Confirming Josh Homme Is a Badass


More »

An Ilustrated Guide to Lemmy's Rockstar Life

Categories: Handy Guides

lemmy_quotetop.jpg

Motörhead is set to rock Coachella this year. We're glad that legendary badass Lemmy Kilmister is feeling healthy after "paying for the good times" (his words) by being diagnosed with haematoma and heart problems last year.

The real question is: will Motörhead's presence prompt Coachella hipsters to wear black leather shorts and crop tops instead of willowly Aztec-inspired desert frocks? We're hoping..

Here's life according to Lemmy...

Illustrated quotation above via rockhall.com.


More »

A Beginner's Guide to Dolly Parton

addie_brownlee.jpg
Courtesy of REK Room Media
Addie Brownlee
When asked if she is an expert on Dolly Parton, singer-songwriter Addie Brownlee very decisively says "yes." "I prefer to call it 'Dollypologist,'" she continues. With the way she can rattle off facts about Dolly's music and film career--as well as her insight into some of the iconic country singer's most complex songs--there's no doubt Brownlee's devotion comes from a very loving and real place.

See also: Kacey Musgraves Makes Country Music You Can Use

More »

How To Make A Crowd Not Mind That They're In The Middle Of A Torrential Rainstorm, By The Deftones

deftones_august5.jpg
@deftonesband/Instagram
Not to be one of those people who talks about the weather, but has this summer's concert-going season seemed sorta... washed out to you? Multi-day festivals from Lollapalooza to Catalpa to Pitchfork have been plagued by rain delays, and other outdoor concerts have been similarly doused. Shows at the Nikon at Jones Beach Theater, which is right on the South Shore of Long Island and surrounded by the Atlantic Ocean, are rain or shine, though, so last night's Deftones/System of a Down show went on despite a pounding rainstorm that turned part of the venue's plaza into a pond and made plastic ponchos the merch booth's hottest commodity. The Deftones, who went on first, gave a master class in keeping a soaked crowd as happy as they would be on a starry 75-degree night. A few lessons from last night that any band thinking about playing an outdoor show should learn.

More »

Seven Must-Dos For The Modern Young Weed Rapper

wizkhalifa_bodega.jpg
Wiz Khalifa is in love with weed. The Pittsburgh-raised rapper has established himself as a hip-hop superstar by making songs that are largely hooked around getting high. While it's not all that a unique pastime—the likes of Snoop Dogg and Cypress Hill ushered in the first great rush of weed raps back in the early-'90s—a fresh bunch of young greenery fiends now defines the rap scene. Here's SOTC's handy seven-step guide to becoming a Modern Young Weed Rapper, should you want to follow the current crop's trail of smoke.

More »

A SOTC Flowchart: Should You Get Married In Catalpa's Church Of Sham Marriages This Weekend?

friskyschurch.jpg
via Catalpa NYC
We'll leave it up to you to decide whether you want to get married in a sorta-bouncy castle.
"We have the Frisky's Church of Sham Marriages going in, which is a 60 foot inflatable church, and we have a pimp pastor marrying people. We actually have two couples getting legitimately married at the festival - the wedding dress, the whole family coming in. I'm trying to get Snoop Dogg to actually do the marriage. That'd be ridiculous, right? It's elements like that. Of course you had a great time seeing the Black Keys, but you're going to talk for a lot longer about the day you saw the Black Keys and got married to some random person."
Catalpa founder Dave Moran on one of the attractions at this weekend's inaugural Catalpa NYC festival. Should you take the plunge and make The Most Important Day Of Your Life an outing at Randalls Island where you could conceivably get hitched by a fake pimp/Snoop Dogg/Snoop Lion/a member of Umphrey's McGee? With candy rings and everything? A flowchart to walk you through the decision-making process below.


More »

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Links

Loading...