Wipe Your Feet! Blow Your Mind!

You just can't get clean during this campaign season? Maybe a Bush Doormat would help. The Village Voice Political Laboratory has not tested this product, nor has it endorsed it, but BushCo will be spreading $200 million worth of dirt from now until November, so you're going to have a lot of muck to deal with. So you could scrape it off on a non-skid doormat emblazoned with the slogan "Give Bush the Boot!" and an image of Dubya imprinted by the process of "flocking."

Once you're safely indoors, turn on your blacklight and blow your mind with the Psychedelic Republicans trading cards, which feature such "fun facts" as the reason for Rush Limbaugh's 4-F classification during the Vietnam War: anal cysts. Leave it to New Yorker editor David Remnick to have written way back in February 1994 for the Washington Post that Limbaugh stayed home from Vietnam with a butt cyst. The article's no longer available for free from the Post, but you can capture the flavor here. If you want to feel Limbaugh's pain, step very gingerly into pilonidal.org's "What It Is" page.

Full disclosure: I was No. 13 in the first draft lottery during the Vietnam War, but I flunked my physical for psychiatric reasons.