Who needs a bailout? The New York soldiers heading to Afghan War frontlines.

Bailout? If by accident of birth, you were in Kabul yesterday, you'd be dying to bail out. You would have been running for your life while crazed Taliban stormed major government buildings and blew themselves up. A score of non-Taliban people were killed and fourscore wounded yesterday in Afghanistan's capital in the ominous assault.

Not to worry: Hell is on the way. U.S. troops, led by New York's 10th Mountain Division, are returning to Central Asia after being unjustifiably diverted from Uzbekistan (where they named their camp's muddy streets after the L.I.E., Fifth Avenue, and so on) to Iraq a few years ago to be blown up by Iraqi rebels. Bad news, everybody: There's a spring offensive coming against the Taliban, and it won't be like the relatively bloodless capture of Baghdad. It'll be like what happened after George W. Bush declared, "Mission accomplished!"

See the sprightly agitprop "10th Mountain Division Leads New Deployments to Afghanistan" from the Defense Department's American Forces Press Service. Or check out the previews from ABC and CBS.

So, prepare yourselves for depressing news this spring of a non-financial variety: The expected sudden rise of U.S. deaths in Afghanistan will shove at least some of the Wall Street-inspired news off the front pages.

After all, if by the grace of Darwin or God you happen to live in the U.S., you may very well lose your home or job, but you probably won't be blown up. Unless you've been brainwashed by the government's ad campaigns and have joined the military. In which case, you, too, might find yourself in beautiful downtown Kabul trying to stamp out the Muslim fanatics.

It was only 25 years ago that Ronald Reagan hosted the Taliban in the White House, praised them as heroic "freedom fighters," and drummed up money for them. And Texas oilmen feted the creepily fundamentalist Taliban leaders with backyard barbecues.

Now the Taliban are returning the favor by trying to barbecue Americans. They no longer need a stimulus from the White House.

You need one, so have another cup of coffee and click on these headlines...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Bloomberg: 'Bank Failures May Reach 1,000 on Bad Loans'

N.Y. Post: 'BE MY CUT-RATE VALENTINE'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Mother cries "tears of happiness" after baby's life-saving brain surgery'

N.Y. Post: 'COP WILL SURRENDER IN BEATING'

N.Y. Daily News: 'A daring river rescue by man down on luck'

Wall Street Journal: 'Obama Wants Funds Restored to Stimulus'

TheDeal.com: 'The Street jeers Geithner's speech'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Job well done?! 4 Merrill execs got $121M in bonuses on eve of bailout'

N.Y. Times: 'In New Procedure, Artificial Arm Listens to Brain'

N.Y. Post: 'B'KLYN COP SHOOTS TEEN GUNMAN'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Gov waffles on tax hikes for wealthy'

Reuters: 'U.S. mortgage applications slump to 8-year low'

Wall Street Journal: 'Attack in Kabul Leaves 26 Dead'

N.Y. Post: 'SULLY AND PAL RELIVE BIRD BLITZ'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Another day, another $294G'

N.Y. Times: 'Comeback for 10-Year-Old Spaniel'

N.Y. Post: 'ALOMAR IN "AIDS" SHOCK: EX-LOVE SUES MET GREAT'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Doc in NYPD drug scandal arrested for prescribing 'roids'

TheDeal.com: 'Madoff in court Wednesday'

N.Y. Times: 'New School Faculty and President Remain at Odds'

International Herald Tribune: 'U.S. is looking to the "vultures" to rescue banks'

N.Y. Post: 'BRAVE GAL IDS "HIT MAN"'

Wall Street Journal: 'Economists React: Treasury Announcement Fails to Satisfy'

N.Y. Post: 'I WAS ANGEL OF FAKE DEATH'

N.Y. Times: 'Gates Orders Review of Policy on Soldiers' Coffins'

N.Y. Post: 'LOTTERY MAY BET ITS MARBLES ON THE MARKET'

Newsday: 'Michelle Obama lands on Vogue's March cover'

N.Y. Post: 'SHOVEL MURDER'

N.Y. Times: 'On Trail of War Criminals, NBC News Is Criticized'

N.Y. Post: 'BIG PUSSY $ETTLES WITH EX'

TheDeal.com: 'Pink slips on Wall Street'

Wall Street Journal: 'Foreclosure "Tsunami" Hits Mortgage Servicers'

N.Y. Post: '"GRAFT" RABBI OFF HOOK IN DOC ASSAULT'

Forbes: 'Geithner's Cash For Trash'

TheDeal.com: 'Tim Geithner and the politics of TARP II'

Forbes: 'Why A $99 iPhone Is Bad For Apple'

Bloomberg: 'French "Grand Sale" May Be Last Hurrah for Retailers as Purses Snap Shut'

Bloomberg: '"Time Bomb" Ticks in Hungary as Economy Turns Public Opinion Against Roma'

Bloomberg: 'NYSE Euronext's Niederauer Fails to Stop Share Decline With Expense Cuts'

N.Y. Daily News: '"Booty call" sparked fight'

Bloomberg: 'Geithner Leaves Key Questions Unanswered, Risking Sabotage for Bank Plan'

TheDeal.com: 'Blankfein on risk management and regulatory reform'

Bloomberg: 'Buffett, Who Invests "Forever," Finds Shorter Time Horizons Unprofitable'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Mark Green wants his old public advocate gig'

Bloomberg: 'Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley Outperform Competitors Slowed by Writedowns'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Paterson puttin' Lotto faith in stock market'

Bloomberg: 'Corn, Soybeans Decline on Skepticism That U.S. Plans Will Revive Economy'

Bloomberg: 'Embraer Aims to Win More Military Plane Orders as India Upgrades Air Force'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Reverse ban on pics of soldiers' coffins, say families of fallen soldiers'