To try to counter the sickening economic news, remember another horror story that actually had a happy ending.

Sully Sullenberger knows what "sickening" feels like, although his voice in the above cockpit recording doesn't reveal it. Now, Sully is talking in detail about his astounding, life-saving jet landing on January 15 in the Hudson River, as the Post reports this morning:

And now for some bad news that only seems unbelievable...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

N.Y. Post: 'SULLY RELIVES SPLASH: JET'S "SICKENING" SILENCE'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Bronx teen missing for a month spent it misidentified in city morgue'

N.Y. Times: 'In the Red, Toyota Sees Loss Tripling'

N.Y. Post: 'CITY JOBLESS RATE MAY HIT CRIPPLING 10.5 PERCENT'

N.Y. Daily News: 'N.Y.C. so costly you need to earn six figures to make middle class'

N.Y. Times: 'As Layoffs Surge, Women May Pass Men in Job Force'

N.Y. Daily News: 'More soldiers committed suicide in January than killed by Al Qaeda'

N.Y. Times: 'Violence and Abuse at City-Run Psychiatric Unit'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Butt-grabbing pervert strikes for 5th time in Gramercy Park'

N.Y. Times: 'U.N.'s Gaza Refugee Director Criticizes Israel and Hamas'

Wall Street Journal: 'Anti-Arab Israeli Party Surges'

N.Y. Observer: 'New York's Stimulus Take: At Least $41 Billion'

Newsday: 'Ruth Bader Ginsburg hospitalized with pancreatic cancer'

N.Y. Post: '10 YRS. LATER, RED TAPE KEEPS DIALLO MOM FROM HIS GRAVE'

N.Y. Times: 'Pakistani Nuclear Scientist Set Free'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Does New Jersey smell? Just ask the folks who live there...'

N.Y. Post: 'UNIFORMLY ABSURD'

ChannelWeb: 'Privacy Group: Google Latitude Could Track Unsuspecting Users'

N.Y. Post: '"CUT!" & RUN LOOMS: NY OUT OF FILM LURE$'

Wall Street Journal: 'When People Stop Moving, So Do Congressional Seats'

Seeking Alpha: 'The Next American Revolution: Main Street vs. Wall Street'

Wall Street Journal: 'Toyota Flags $3.84 Billion Full-Year Loss'

Seeking Alpha: 'Stimulus Watch: How the Devil Are They Going to Finance All of It?'

N.Y. Times: 'Sales Fall Sharply for Retailers Not Named Wal-Mart'

N.Y. Post: 'MIKE SCOFFS AT ELEX-CASH CAP'

Wall Street Journal: 'Deutsche Bank Fallen Trader Left Behind $1.8 Billion Hole'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Octuplet mom Nadya Suleman released from hospital -- to what kind of future?'

N.Y. Times: 'In New York City, an Aromatic Mystery Solved'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Judge might toss damning evidence against Barry Bonds'

N.Y. Post: 'BABY MAMA OUT FITTY MIL'

Bloomberg: 'Fertility Drugs Don't Raise Ovarian Cancer Risk, Study Shows'

N.Y. Times: 'A Diverse Group of Senators at Center Stage in Economic Debate'

Seeking Alpha: 'Why Are the Fed and Treasury Working Against Each Other?'

Seeking Alpha: 'Sleepwalking to Economic Oblivion'

Wall Street Journal: 'Nations Rush to Establish New Barriers to Trade'

N.Y. Post: 'SPITZER GAL BARES EXEC HO $CANDAL'

Wall Street Journal: 'Obama Turns Up Heat, Slams GOP Ideas'

Wall Street Journal: 'Panetta Hearing Focuses on Bush-Era CIA Challenges'

Wall Street Journal: 'U.S. Presses Europe for Aid in Afghanistan Amid Political Chill With Russia'

Perhaps the most entertaining part of the House hearing, yes. But while the New York Democrat yelled at the SEC, whistleblower Harry Markopolos spoke more softly but cut deeper the day before.

Ackerman's five minutes of fame passed the audio-visual test, but not the smell test.

The SEC deserves harsh criticism. But when it comes to the Madoff scandal — and the role of the SEC in trying to control Wall Street's conniving bankers — Congress stinks it up too by consistently undermining the SEC.

More on that in a minute, but first, more on Ackerman:

There are 14,000 brokerage accounts that make up the latest list of Madoff's victims — "Swindler's List," as L.A.'s Jewish Journal and others call it — and 2,000 of them are Long Island-based, Newsday reports. That's one in seven, and the largest cluster of Long Island suckers — 600 of them — is in Great Neck. And Great Neck is one of the most influential towns in Ackerman's Congressional district, which stretches along Long Island Sound's "Gold Coast" of rich people. Nassau County itself is the nation's 10th-richest county.

Yesterday, I pointed out Ackerman's standing as an ardent loyalist of the Jewish lobby AIPAC loyalist (and a past recipient of campaign money from Madoff). And Madoff, as we well know, leaned heavily on his own Jewishness.

Philip Weiss (the former Observer columnist who got hounded out of there because he dared to write provocatively about Israel) noted that in December 2008 in "Madoff and the Israel lobby." Weiss quoted one of his readers as remarking that "the Madoff event may be the greatest example of intelligent people being blinded by ethnocentrism I've ever seen."

It's no wonder that Ackerman was so pissed off at the SEC. He couldn't blame Madoff's wealthy victims, who, after all, are his constituents. He may not have known that Madoff himself was a monumental goniff, but he and other Jewish Democrats knew very well who the prominent party fundraiser was. No-brainer that Ackerman put on a good TV show; no brains if you think it's consequential news.

Instead of looking at the cameras, Ackerman should be looking in the mirror, notes Seeking Alpha, the largest stock-market blog (and hailed in 2007 by Time as one of the top 50 websites).

The New York-based outlet aimed at investors puts the blame where much of it should be. In "Congress Should Look in the Mirror Before Attacking the SEC," GT McDuffy notes:

McDuffy is just getting warmed up. And I'm going to include a lengthy excerpt. Just as James Lieber's must-read "Up in Smoke: What Cooked the World's Economy?" in my own paper probed and poked at Wall Street's machinations, McDuffy jabs at Congress for its role in the fiasco.

The differing perspectives of the two pieces sketch a good portrait of the Wall Street crime scene. Ackerman's incredulity was phony, as McDuffy's credible screed points out. Hence, this long excerpt from McDuffy:

You don't have to be Jewish to understand where much of the blame for the Madoff scandal and other Wall Street shenanigans should be levied.

Good for the New York Times! Always trying to take a broad view (even when one doesn't exist, as Jack Shafer often points out), the paper weighs in on how the plight of Bernie Madoff's white-haired victims gives us valuable insights about the global meltdown with this morning's "Fossils of Largest Snake Give Hint of Hot Earth."

Good info that the "prehistoric snake" was "a giant relative of today's boa constrictors." The elderly Madoff wasn't the first, nor will he be the last, snake to swallow your money. Wall Street is really is a dangerous place, even for celebrities — see the latest list of Madoff's victims.

Madoff whistleblower Harry Markopolos's testimony yesterday on Capitol wasn't quite as colorful, but the bookish-yet-tigerish accountant was pretty damn intense, as I previously noted.

Among other fascinating details, Markopolos told the dazed House members that he planned to deliver to the SEC today a "mini-Madoff." The agency is sure to accept this silver platter with respect and care.

President Barack Obama, on the other hand, is showing me no respect with his $500,000 limit on CEO pay ( VIDEO). To get a bailout, I have to limit my pay? I don't think so.

While I wait for my manservant to dress me, I'll also point out that the Times story "Daschle's Ambitions Collided, Friends Say" does little more than say what I already said yesterday. The Times was more polite.

Please click on these items. Pretty please...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

CNN: 'Toyota shuts down all but one assembly line'

N.Y. Post: 'BANKS' MONEY WELL SPENT'

Newsday: 'Drilling leases on Utah land scrapped'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Twins' rage: Coward could never face our father'

N.Y. Times: 'Senate Adds Homebuyer Tax Credit to Stimulus Bill'

N.Y. Post: 'O WARNS OF "CATA$TROPHE": URGES STIMULUS OK AMID MOUNTING RESISTANCE'

Wall Street Journal: 'Forget Golf: Street Junkets Get Junked'

CNN: 'Overseer calls for bank bailout makeover'

Financial Crisis Update: 'SEC Official Endorses Central Counterparty for Credit Default Swaps as Global Consensus Grows'

N.Y. Times: 'Daschle's Ambitions Collided, Friends Say'

N.Y. Times: 'Science Found Wanting in Nation's Crime Labs'

N.Y. Post: 'ON WALL STREET: WHO COULD LIVE ON $500K?'

Wall Street Journal: 'Study: 9/11 Lung Problems Persist Years Later'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Cops on hunt for suspect in brutal rape in East Harlem laundromat'

N.Y. Times: 'Boo Hoo in the Boardroom'

Wall Street Journal: 'Faith-Based Program Gets Wider Focus'

N.Y. Post: 'AMAZIN' AMBUSH! SHAMSKY'S ANGRY EX POUNCES'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Cheney: Beware nukes'

Wall Street Journal: 'Gaza's Isolation Slows Rebuilding Efforts'

N.Y. Times: 'Societal Cost of Meth Use Is Gauged in New Study'

Bloomberg: '"Failed" Wall Street Forces Biggest Rewrite of Rules'

N.Y. Post: 'PLAYBOY'S ROCKER SCRIBE RIFFS ON STREET ROGUES'

N.Y. Daily News: 'The great Big Apple sports broadcaster debate'

N.Y. Post: 'SMOKING FEATHER OF FLIGHT 1549'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Lehman judge charged with hitting wife gets lawyer'

Bloomberg: 'Soros Imitators Reap Riches in Financial Whirlwind on Global Macro Funds'

Forbes: 'Buffett Sinks Billions Into Swiss Re'

'Sandy Koufax, John Malkovich among Bernie Madoff victims as court filings are released'

From the Daily News:

Boston Globe: 'The whistleblower: Dogged pursuer of Madoff wary of fame'

U.S. News & World Report: '5 Things to Know About Whistleblowing'

Bloomberg: 'Madoff Said Only Brother Could Do Audit, Witness Tells Congress'

Whistleblower Lawyer Blog: 'Whistleblower Protections Added to Economic Stimulus Bill Passed by House'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Photo gallery: Madoff's victims'

N.Y. Post: 'DIVORCEE BIDS TO 'EX'-TEND MADOFF PAIN'

Whistleblower Lawyer Blog: 'Hedge Funds Face Regulation & Oversight by SEC--Will There Be Another Compliance Tool in Addition to IRS Whistleblower Program?'

Fortune: 'Did Madoff's feeder fund shop for friendly audits?'

AP: '[Massachusetts] pension fund fires 2 managers'

N.Y. Daily News: '$1B of swindled funds uncovered, Madoff's alleged vics to get paid "in the near future"'

N.Y. Post: 'HOW SEC BOZOS BLEW IT: WHISTLEBLOWER RIPS DO-NOTHING FED "FLEAS"'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Car dealer hopes to say, "I Madoff with 100G"'

N.Y. Daily News: 'GM Omar Minaya says Mets will not go after Manny Ramirez'

In "Let's make Caroline Kennedy our special envoy to Washington," the self-serious Daily News scribe fights back his tears about Caroline Kennedy's withdrawal from the Senate appointment race and opines:

Christ, at least make sure she votes a few times before we make her our "ambassador."

I'm not attacking the Kennedys or rich people. Ever since Chappaquidick, Teddy Kennedy has worked hard in the trenches as a senator. And Jackie O took on big cultural battles, leading the successful fight to save and restore Grand Central Station.

Now we have a huge crisis on our hands. Tens of thousands of New Yorkers are being fired, and basic social services are being slashed, feeding a downward spiral.

There are a million fires that need to be put out — and I don't mean the problems faced by Carnegie Hall, which is slashing its schedule and budget. Yes, that's a shame, but stay away from that "cause," Princess Caroline.

Do some public service before you're anointed as our ambassador. If you have celebrity capital (and you do), then start spending it to help goad other rich New Yorkers (and there are still plenty of them) into helping their increasingly desperate fellow residents.

Do something noblesse before we oblige you.

As for Daly, one of his readers, hjo4, said it best in a cranky 7 a.m. post:

For news of other deeds, click on these items...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Bloomberg: 'Palestinians Sift Gaza's Rubble After Shelling for Pieces of Former Lives'

N.Y. Post: 'OBAMA A MAN OF ACTION ON DAY 1: JUGGLES MIDEAST CALLS, FREEZES STAFF PAY AND TOUGHENS ETHICS RULES'

Wall Street Journal: 'Obama Freezes Top Staff Pay'

N.Y. Daily News: 'After 24 hours, change is real'

N.Y. Post: 'CAROLINE'S KAPUT'

N.Y. Daily News: 'HIL SEAT BLUES'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Let's make Caroline Kennedy our special envoy to Washington'

N.Y. Post: 'SHOT DOGS IN GUN NUT'S APT'

Bloomberg: 'Avril Lavigne, Radiohead Shift to YouTube as Illegal Downloading Persists'

Crain's New York Business: 'Carnegie Hall shrinks schedule, slashes budget'

Vanity Fair: 'Farewell to All That: An Oral History of the Bush White House'

N.Y. Daily News: 'MTA kickback susp eyed for shredding evidence'

Bloomberg: 'Obama Needs "Yes We Can" From Overseas to Help Lead World Out of Recession'

N.Y. Post: 'SON OF "SCAM" IN YACHT "PLOT"'

N.Y. Post: 'KIDDIE CROOK AND SIBS IN SI HORROR HOUSE: COPS'

Vanity Fair: 'The Ultimate Bubble?'

Bloomberg: 'Nokia, Intel Slump Hammers Israeli Economy as Cease-Fire Curbs Rocket Risk'

N.Y. Post: 'ATLANTIC YARDS LOOKS TO $LASH TRANSIT UPGRADE'

Wall Street Journal: 'China Fourth-Quarter GDP Confirms a Major Slowdown'

Harper's: 'Did Bush's Terrorist Surveillance Program Really Focus on American Journalists?'

Wall Street Journal: 'Nationalization Fears Grow as U.K. Banks Struggle'

Wall Street Journal: 'What if Uncle Sam Takes Over Your Bank?'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Mother of little Adolf: No abuse here'

Wall Street Journal: 'Parsons Named Citi Chairman'

Wall Street Journal: 'Crisis Q&A: What "Bank Nationalization" Means For You'

Wall Street Journal: 'Obama Inauguration Sets Record for Private Jets'

Wall Street Journal: 'EBay's Growth Stalls as Shoppers Pull Back'

Wall Street Journal: 'Even in Test Form, Windows 7 Leaves Vista in the Dust' (Walter S. Mossberg)

Wall Street Journal: 'More Than X Marks the Spot'

Crain's New York Business: 'Hudson Yards could be in jeopardy'

'Madoff's Chosen People -- What Can and Can't Be Said Out Loud'

In a provocative HuffPost piece, Larry Gellman writes:

Reuters: 'Columbia says it lost $3 million tied to Madoff'

CNBC: 'Former Madoff Accountant Claims He Is a Victim Too'

Bloomberg: 'Santander's Madoff Sales Mean "Catastrophe" for Teacher, Vendor'

Bloomberg: 'Madoff Clients May Recoup More Losses Through Taxes Than Suits'

Bloomberg: 'Madoff Scandal May Lead to New Rules on Adviser Accountability'

Caroline Kennedy has retrieved her tiara from the ring. She's no longer a candidate for appointment to the U.S. Senate.

Amid all signs that the princess's coach was rapidly turning into a pumpkin, one of her minions issued an e-mail just after midnight saying she was withdrawing for "personal reasons."

The New York media will be all over this like beans on rice, especially because the "personal reasons" supposedly include the deteriorating health of Uncle Ted Kennedy — and that explanation is ludicrous.

Anyway, you might want to start with a slightly more detached version of the stormy last few hours of the Kennedy scion's ill-fated would-be reign. From the Washington Post:

Tell me it's a coincidence that five banks were robbed in New York City in a single day, while banks overall reported rare quarterly losses.

Even the New York Times notes the eerie connection.

You mean that all-time schemer Bernie Madoff isn't the only crook in town? (See above video, because it's the last time you'll be hearing his Ponzi pitch.)

Even with 40,000 cops, the NYPD doesn't have enough crimefighters to round up all of the city's crooks. They didn't even nab Madoff; the goniff's sons turned him in.

So which crooks do you think the NYPD is scrambling to arrest: the common criminals who robbed other people's banks or the Wall Street investment bankers who robbed their own banks?

In other crime news, Fox notes that if you let your fingers do the talking — that means all of you — you're getting ripped off. From the Murdoch channel's "Text Rip-Off? Pricey Messages 'Cost Virtually Nothing' to Carriers":

Speaking of getting fucked, the New Yorker reviews the new edition of The Joy of Sex.

Don't grab your partner or your box of tissues yet. Anticipation is part of the pleasure, so for now, keep both hands on the keyboard and click on the following items ...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

N.Y. Post: 'BONEHEADS CALL COPS ON SELVES'

New Yorker: 'Shaggy-dog Story: Upper West Side dog-napping terror'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'In Gaza Campaign, Israel Seeks To Change the Rules of the Game'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Ma charged with slaying son: I homeschooled to spare boy fat taunts'

N.Y. Post: 'DON'T LET IT HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT: JETS BOOT COACH AFTER TURBULENT TENURE'

N.Y. Times: 'M.T.A. Gives More Details on Possible Fare Increases'

Gawker: 'Tom Cruise's Bomb-Proof Car Also Repels Thetans'

N.Y. Times: 'In Housing Fall, Breaking Up Is Harder to Do'

N.Y. Post: 'Grinch In Gift Pinch'

New Yorker: 'Laura Bush shops a memoir'

N.Y. Post: 'FURY AT DAD'S BIG LIE'

Wall Street Journal: 'Airlines Grab Cash Amid Crunch'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Eric Mangini's end with the Jets began with Brett Favre's arrival'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Even With Aid, Groups Scramble To Cope With Post-Madoff Mess'

New York: 'That's a Whole Lot of Fanny Packs: 47 million tourists visited New York this year'

N.Y. Review of Books: 'Drug Companies & Doctors: A Story of Corruption'

N.Y. Times: 'Meteorite Strikes, Setting Off a Tsunami: Did It Happen Here?'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Kosher Industry's Woes Reach a Poor Village in Guatemala'

N.Y. Daily News: 'She's no whiz with words'

Wall Street Journal: 'Afghan Roadside Bombings Rise Sharply'

N.Y. Post: 'ISRAEL'S "WAR TO THE BITTER END"'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'No Longer in Power, Free To Talk, Neocons Seek To Rewrite History'

Gawker: 'Like Uncle Teddy, Caroline Kennedy Doesn't Know Why She's Running'

N.Y. Times: 'Five Banks Are Robbed in Single Day in the City'

New Yorker: 'DOING IT: A New Edition of The Joy of Sex'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Will Subway Riders Take a Stand?'

Wall Street Journal: 'Banks to Post Rare Quarterly Loss'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Beyond Rick Warren's Invocation'

But in the middle of a boom — the Jets were 8-3 and seemed a cinch for the NFL playoffs — Favre imploded and the team collapsed.

Hubris pays off. And then it doesn't.

Take it from me, America, you know you're headed for a major depression when even the usual distractions stop working.

But as the late Albert Ellis used to say to us neurotics hurtling toward a great depression: Separate your irrational thoughts from your rational ones. It's not your fault, America, that the games that took your mind off real-world or self-induced worries no longer keep you from sliding into full-blown anhedonia.

Play the following Ellis tape, instead of the one currently in your brain:

As the blunt Ellis would have pointed out, "Fuck what other people think! Get rational about it! Get over it! Stop your whining! Work at it!" (And yes, he used such language, even at age 90, in his memorable Friday night cheapo public sessions on the Upper East Side.)

Speaking of depression and games: Greed — not the usual greed but the excessive type — did in the Jets the way excessive greed did in Wall Street. The Jets suddenly collapsed and their already-shaky hopes for the playoffs dissolved.

Both NYC teams in the NFL playoffs? No joy.

Who's the next candidate to save the city? Caroline Kennedy. Big news this weekend, at least according to the Daily News, which snagged an interview with the princess. Ooooh, a scoop.

The headline? "Caroline Kennedy tells Daily News: I wouldn't be beholden to anybody."

True, she wouldn't be beholden to her strong supporter Mayor Mike Bloomberg. The story?:

True, she's not part of the system. In fact, she's a dilettante who would be getting a high office solely because of her name.

Further proof that Caroline Kennedy is telling the truth when she says she "isn't, you know, part of the system": As the Daily News reported December 19, she doesn't even vote:

JFK's legacy? Caroline is a legacy, the way a rich, disinterested playboy like George W. Bush got into Yale not on his own merits but because his politician daddy, George H.W. Bush, went to Yale and Junior was what the school considered a "legacy."

And people like the Bushes are opposed to affirmative action? What do think the collegiate system of "legacies" is? It's affirmative action for rich white people.

Here's a real legacy: After thousands of years of fighting over land, the death dance between Arabs and Jews has come to what media outlets are calling the "bloodiest hit" by Israel in 60 years: "HELL FIRE RAINS ON GAZA."

At least you're just fighting for your job, not your survival. You think things are bad? Think about those little girls in Kurdistan who are being routinely circumcised.

That's an old story in much of the world. More bad news that's more immediate ...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

The Age (Australia): 'Israel: We will not stop' [VIDEO]

Bloomberg: 'Virginity Pledges Fail to Trump Teen Lust in Look at Older Data'

Register (U.K.): 'Walmart's Jesus Phone no better, no worse: Save two bucks!'

N.Y. Post: 'Dump 'em: Losers Mangini, Favre must go'

The Age (Australia): 'More children reported dead in latest Gaza strikes'

Register (U.K.): 'Crash survivor Twitters from burning plane (false): Geek micro-blogged from safety'

N.Y. Daily News: '15-year-old girl arrested in brutal Bronx stabbing'

N.Y. Post: 'HAMAS-CIDE: ISRAEL SET FOR GROUND RAID'

N.Y. Times: 'Suicide Bombs Kill 20 in Afghanistan'

ABC: 'Many Questions Left in Bush Scandals'

Register (U.K.): 'Giant US air travel data suck fails own privacy tests, but gets cleared anyway'

Reuters: 'SCENARIOS: Assessing risks of India, Pakistan confrontation'

Washington Post: 'Blagojevich on the Way Out, Says Illinois' No. 2'

Wall Street Journal: 'Latin American Investors Quiet on Madoff Losses'

N.Y. Times: 'Veterans of '90s Bailout Hope for Profits in New One'

Register (U.K.): '101 uses for a former merchant banker'

N.Y. Times: 'Murders by Black Teenagers Rise, Bucking a Trend'

Wall Street Journal: 'The Weekend That Wall Street Died'

N.Y. Times: 'Romance and Recovery in Quake-Devastated Area'

Washington Post: 'An Experiment in Mastering Risk'

Sure, it's only woman, not the 72 promised to martyrs, but he's alive and she's alive and, well, you know. And she's thrilled about it, as Reuters reports from Cairo:

Start unlacing, baby. But until marriage, no tongues.

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

N.Y. Times: 'Mukasey Recuses Himself From Madoff Investigation'

N.Y. Post: 'MTA OKS HIKE IN DOUBLE WHAMMY'

Agence France Presse: 'Chrysler halts manufacturing as clock ticks on gov't bailout'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Scientists debunk the myth that you lose most heat through your head'

Register (U.K.): 'New York "iPod tax" incites media bleating: Four-cent proposal twists knickers'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Just like humans! Yes, a squirrel can waterski, just like us! And we have video of the versatile squirrel in action.'

Reuters: 'Father offers daughter to shoe-thrower'

N.Y. Times: 'Obama Selects Evangelist for Invocation'

Wall Street Journal: 'Regulator Schapiro to Run SEC for Obama'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Lillo's smirks spur fury as jury deliberates'

Register (U.K.): 'Censored scenes from the Congress WMD report: Last minute bioterror rewrites?'

N.Y. Post: 'NYERS BET ON KENNEDY BUT WANT ANDY'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Antisemites feast on Madoff misery'

Register (U.K.): 'Wikipedia self-flagellates over vanishing "farmsex": The missing Zoophilia edits'

N.Y. Post: 'SICK TRAN-SIT COP SLAY WIFE: HE WAS A CROSS-DRESSER'

Reuters: 'HIV infects women through healthy tissue: U.S. study'

Register (U.K.): 'Yahoo! to! kill! most! search! engine! data! records! after! three! months!'

Register (U.K.): 'Don't delay: Delete your DNA today'

McClatchy: 'Kabul residents have more fear of gangs than of Taliban'

Washington Post: 'End of the Hedge Fund?' (Sebastian Mallaby)

Guardian (U.K.): 'Iraqi officials arrested over coup plot against prime minister'

McClatchy: 'Salazar pick indicates big change at Interior Department'

Guardian (U.K.): 'UN tribunal jails Rwanda genocide mastermind for life'

Register (U.K.): 'Economists say European ancestors are what make you rich: No shit, Sherlock'

America's royal family, the Kennedys. But Caroline Kennedy for the Senate? First we had to put off with Hillary Clinton, the nouveau riche of politics, suddenly becoming senator in the nation's second most populous state.

The wife of a president landed her magic carpet and Vuitton bags in a fancy suburb north of the city and was practically appointed to the Senate — when Rudy Giuliani dropped out, she got to face a candidate who was so weak that you've already forgotten his name.

Sitting somewhat obediently in our civics classes, we were told that people invented this country, at least in part, because they were tired of monarchies. Doesn't look as if we're that tired of kings and queens and princesses.

So now we're going to replace Hillary Clinton with Caroline Kennedy? And we're not even going to elect Kennedy; we're going to appoint her? At least Hillary Clinton went through the electoral process. However, don't tell me about Hillary's brains and savvy. She's been a mediocre senator, far less skilled at both arm-twisting and hard-won-consensus politics than the likes of Chuck Schumer, Chuck Hegel, and Chuck Grassley or battle-worthy non-Chucks like Dick Lugar, Barbara Boxer, Bob Dole (not his wife, Libby), even that schmuck Joe Lieberman — you name 'em.

Excepting a few celeb pols like Ted Kennedy (who's been busy and serious for three decades since Chappaquidick drowned his chances for the presidency), look past the Clintons and Kennedys and you'll see a better breed of American political family entering the Senate, a family whose bent comes closer to "public service" and "common good" than practically all others. (Notwithstanding Jackie Kennedy Onassis's truly noble and lasting achievement: She used her celebrity to lead the successful fight to save wondrous Grand Central Station from destruction.)

You want a political family that deserves royal-like admiration without fawning? Try the Udalls, whom I wrote about yesterday. After Stew and Mo worked their asses off in the House and Interior Department, now we have their sons Mark and Tom, who traded on more than their last names during their climb up Capitol Hill to claim Senate seats next month.

Now don't turn the Udalls into celebrities. Read about your usual celebs — including the Kennedys and Clintons — worship them and envy them if you want, be amused and/or disgusted by them, but don't elect them or appoint them to run your lives because they're celebrities. Camelot? I'll take Spamalot — without Clay Aiken, thanks. No more American idols, please.

Other items on a (relatively) slow (so far) news day ...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

N.Y. Daily News: 'Ticketed while giving out gifts'

N.Y. Post: 'FIRETRUCK HIT HURTS 30'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Caroline Kennedy can lock in Senate seat by saying she'll run in 2010'

N.Y. Post: 'BARBIE'S FOR THE BIRDS'

Times (U.K.): 'Fed stuns the world with rate cut to "virtually zero"'

Wall Street Journal: 'Fairfield Group Forced to Confront Its Madoff Ties'

N.Y. Post: 'SICK WORLD OF "BABY HITLER": NAZI-NAMING PARENTS IN NJ'

N.Y. Daily News: 'N.Y. sounds off on iTax plans'

N.Y. Times: 'Bush Prepares Crisis Briefings to Aid Obama'

International Herald Tribune: 'Prison for nuke engineer who took software to Iran'

Reuters: 'Madoff fraud could burn early pullouts'

Reuters: 'Iraq shoe-thrower inspires Bush-bashing Web game'

AP: 'NY gov proposes tax on drinks, downloaded music'

N.Y. Times: 'Fixing Interior'

N.Y. Daily News: 'SEC: We blew it'

Chicago Sun-Times: 'Who's next for Obama's basketball dream team?'

N.Y. Times: 'Obama Team Has Forged Another Link With Clintons'

Washington Post: 'A Longer Race to Run'