You may have seen the PDF version of the latest list of Bernie Madoff's human and corporate victims. If not, check it out.

See my colleague Roy Edroso's riff on the list. I'm trying to post a text version of the entire roster of willing suckers, but our server is gagging on the size. Anyone have a Bloomberg machine? May I borrow it? May the SEC borrow it?

Good for the New York Times! Always trying to take a broad view (even when one doesn't exist, as Jack Shafer often points out), the paper weighs in on how the plight of Bernie Madoff's white-haired victims gives us valuable insights about the global meltdown with this morning's "Fossils of Largest Snake Give Hint of Hot Earth."

Good info that the "prehistoric snake" was "a giant relative of today's boa constrictors." The elderly Madoff wasn't the first, nor will he be the last, snake to swallow your money. Wall Street is really is a dangerous place, even for celebrities — see the latest list of Madoff's victims.

Madoff whistleblower Harry Markopolos's testimony yesterday on Capitol wasn't quite as colorful, but the bookish-yet-tigerish accountant was pretty damn intense, as I previously noted.

Among other fascinating details, Markopolos told the dazed House members that he planned to deliver to the SEC today a "mini-Madoff." The agency is sure to accept this silver platter with respect and care.

President Barack Obama, on the other hand, is showing me no respect with his $500,000 limit on CEO pay ( VIDEO). To get a bailout, I have to limit my pay? I don't think so.

While I wait for my manservant to dress me, I'll also point out that the Times story "Daschle's Ambitions Collided, Friends Say" does little more than say what I already said yesterday. The Times was more polite.

Please click on these items. Pretty please...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

CNN: 'Toyota shuts down all but one assembly line'

N.Y. Post: 'BANKS' MONEY WELL SPENT'

Newsday: 'Drilling leases on Utah land scrapped'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Twins' rage: Coward could never face our father'

N.Y. Times: 'Senate Adds Homebuyer Tax Credit to Stimulus Bill'

N.Y. Post: 'O WARNS OF "CATA$TROPHE": URGES STIMULUS OK AMID MOUNTING RESISTANCE'

Wall Street Journal: 'Forget Golf: Street Junkets Get Junked'

CNN: 'Overseer calls for bank bailout makeover'

Financial Crisis Update: 'SEC Official Endorses Central Counterparty for Credit Default Swaps as Global Consensus Grows'

N.Y. Times: 'Daschle's Ambitions Collided, Friends Say'

N.Y. Times: 'Science Found Wanting in Nation's Crime Labs'

N.Y. Post: 'ON WALL STREET: WHO COULD LIVE ON $500K?'

Wall Street Journal: 'Study: 9/11 Lung Problems Persist Years Later'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Cops on hunt for suspect in brutal rape in East Harlem laundromat'

N.Y. Times: 'Boo Hoo in the Boardroom'

Wall Street Journal: 'Faith-Based Program Gets Wider Focus'

N.Y. Post: 'AMAZIN' AMBUSH! SHAMSKY'S ANGRY EX POUNCES'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Cheney: Beware nukes'

Wall Street Journal: 'Gaza's Isolation Slows Rebuilding Efforts'

N.Y. Times: 'Societal Cost of Meth Use Is Gauged in New Study'

Bloomberg: '"Failed" Wall Street Forces Biggest Rewrite of Rules'

N.Y. Post: 'PLAYBOY'S ROCKER SCRIBE RIFFS ON STREET ROGUES'

N.Y. Daily News: 'The great Big Apple sports broadcaster debate'

N.Y. Post: 'SMOKING FEATHER OF FLIGHT 1549'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Lehman judge charged with hitting wife gets lawyer'

Bloomberg: 'Soros Imitators Reap Riches in Financial Whirlwind on Global Macro Funds'

Forbes: 'Buffett Sinks Billions Into Swiss Re'

'Sandy Koufax, John Malkovich among Bernie Madoff victims as court filings are released'

From the Daily News:

Boston Globe: 'The whistleblower: Dogged pursuer of Madoff wary of fame'

U.S. News & World Report: '5 Things to Know About Whistleblowing'

Bloomberg: 'Madoff Said Only Brother Could Do Audit, Witness Tells Congress'

Whistleblower Lawyer Blog: 'Whistleblower Protections Added to Economic Stimulus Bill Passed by House'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Photo gallery: Madoff's victims'

N.Y. Post: 'DIVORCEE BIDS TO 'EX'-TEND MADOFF PAIN'

Whistleblower Lawyer Blog: 'Hedge Funds Face Regulation & Oversight by SEC--Will There Be Another Compliance Tool in Addition to IRS Whistleblower Program?'

Fortune: 'Did Madoff's feeder fund shop for friendly audits?'

AP: '[Massachusetts] pension fund fires 2 managers'

N.Y. Daily News: '$1B of swindled funds uncovered, Madoff's alleged vics to get paid "in the near future"'

N.Y. Post: 'HOW SEC BOZOS BLEW IT: WHISTLEBLOWER RIPS DO-NOTHING FED "FLEAS"'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Car dealer hopes to say, "I Madoff with 100G"'

N.Y. Daily News: 'GM Omar Minaya says Mets will not go after Manny Ramirez'

But in the middle of a boom — the Jets were 8-3 and seemed a cinch for the NFL playoffs — Favre imploded and the team collapsed.

Hubris pays off. And then it doesn't.

Take it from me, America, you know you're headed for a major depression when even the usual distractions stop working.

But as the late Albert Ellis used to say to us neurotics hurtling toward a great depression: Separate your irrational thoughts from your rational ones. It's not your fault, America, that the games that took your mind off real-world or self-induced worries no longer keep you from sliding into full-blown anhedonia.

Play the following Ellis tape, instead of the one currently in your brain:

As the blunt Ellis would have pointed out, "Fuck what other people think! Get rational about it! Get over it! Stop your whining! Work at it!" (And yes, he used such language, even at age 90, in his memorable Friday night cheapo public sessions on the Upper East Side.)

Speaking of depression and games: Greed — not the usual greed but the excessive type — did in the Jets the way excessive greed did in Wall Street. The Jets suddenly collapsed and their already-shaky hopes for the playoffs dissolved.

Both NYC teams in the NFL playoffs? No joy.

Who's the next candidate to save the city? Caroline Kennedy. Big news this weekend, at least according to the Daily News, which snagged an interview with the princess. Ooooh, a scoop.

The headline? "Caroline Kennedy tells Daily News: I wouldn't be beholden to anybody."

True, she wouldn't be beholden to her strong supporter Mayor Mike Bloomberg. The story?:

True, she's not part of the system. In fact, she's a dilettante who would be getting a high office solely because of her name.

Further proof that Caroline Kennedy is telling the truth when she says she "isn't, you know, part of the system": As the Daily News reported December 19, she doesn't even vote:

JFK's legacy? Caroline is a legacy, the way a rich, disinterested playboy like George W. Bush got into Yale not on his own merits but because his politician daddy, George H.W. Bush, went to Yale and Junior was what the school considered a "legacy."

And people like the Bushes are opposed to affirmative action? What do think the collegiate system of "legacies" is? It's affirmative action for rich white people.

Here's a real legacy: After thousands of years of fighting over land, the death dance between Arabs and Jews has come to what media outlets are calling the "bloodiest hit" by Israel in 60 years: "HELL FIRE RAINS ON GAZA."

At least you're just fighting for your job, not your survival. You think things are bad? Think about those little girls in Kurdistan who are being routinely circumcised.

That's an old story in much of the world. More bad news that's more immediate ...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

The Age (Australia): 'Israel: We will not stop' [VIDEO]

Bloomberg: 'Virginity Pledges Fail to Trump Teen Lust in Look at Older Data'

Register (U.K.): 'Walmart's Jesus Phone no better, no worse: Save two bucks!'

N.Y. Post: 'Dump 'em: Losers Mangini, Favre must go'

The Age (Australia): 'More children reported dead in latest Gaza strikes'

Register (U.K.): 'Crash survivor Twitters from burning plane (false): Geek micro-blogged from safety'

N.Y. Daily News: '15-year-old girl arrested in brutal Bronx stabbing'

N.Y. Post: 'HAMAS-CIDE: ISRAEL SET FOR GROUND RAID'

N.Y. Times: 'Suicide Bombs Kill 20 in Afghanistan'

ABC: 'Many Questions Left in Bush Scandals'

Register (U.K.): 'Giant US air travel data suck fails own privacy tests, but gets cleared anyway'

Reuters: 'SCENARIOS: Assessing risks of India, Pakistan confrontation'

Washington Post: 'Blagojevich on the Way Out, Says Illinois' No. 2'

Wall Street Journal: 'Latin American Investors Quiet on Madoff Losses'

N.Y. Times: 'Veterans of '90s Bailout Hope for Profits in New One'

Register (U.K.): '101 uses for a former merchant banker'

N.Y. Times: 'Murders by Black Teenagers Rise, Bucking a Trend'

Wall Street Journal: 'The Weekend That Wall Street Died'

N.Y. Times: 'Romance and Recovery in Quake-Devastated Area'

Washington Post: 'An Experiment in Mastering Risk'

Fearing Detroit's auto-destruction, Henry Paulson has decreed a bailout of automakers.

For details of this smokin' deal, see the Wall Street Journal's 'U.S. Auto Makers Look to Federal Sales Incentives'

That's the automakers' reward for having spent the past 50 years refusing to produce electric cars and other energy-saving modes of transportation and lobbying aggressively against energy-saving and convenient mass-transit systems.

Good news for me, though: Paulson's also going to bail out my bank.

Best headline today: 'Citi Dump: Feds, Bank Giant in $1.2 Trillion "Toxic" Rescue'

Best bailout today: The Detroit Rescue, which is a landmark event in the history of U.S. capitalism: the end of the free-market system and the start of a full-blown free-marketing system.

At first blush, these steps may seem insane. A bank will be created to manage Citibank's "toxic" assets — the ones that Citi's executives worked so hard to acquire but which now are threatening their empire.

As for Detroit, auto sales are down, so the federal government is actually going to subsidize the automakers' attempts to sell us more cars.

Does this mean even more TV ads bombarding us with news of vehicle "sales events"? (Adding to our irritation, the ads continue to say "sales events" or just plain "events," instead of simply calling them "sales." Hey, everybody, it's an "event"! Let's all go to the "event"!)

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire sales are so delightful. So let there be snow jobs.

These new twists to corporate welfare could be considered reckless driving leading perhaps to vehicular suicide, but only if you think that Paulson and the bailout crew really know what they're doing instead of just scrambling to get the money flowing on Wall Street.

The bankers and their lawyers know full well how they made their billions of dollars: by setting up credit-default swaps and clever trading instruments based on shaky mortgage deals. So why don't they know how to manufacture the proper antidote for themselves (and the global economy and, lastly, us)?

Think of the Street's bankers and lawyers as kids sweltering on high sidewalks and then the federal government comes in and turns on the fireplugs' faucets, flooding the place with gushes of cool, cool water.

Whee!

Meanwhile, start thinking about what it would take to put you and your family in that brand-new vehicle you can't afford because we're in a recession.

Here's a tip: Don't pay extra for the "undercoating." You've already paid dearly for it. In the past 60 years, the federal government has built for the automakers the Interstate Highway System and at the same time refused similar help to the railroads, thus letting rail passenger service wither away. And of course, the feds heavily subsidized airports and other infrastructure for airlines while letting inner-city train stations decay.

What's next? Henry Paulson's going to spend the money to raise Eastern Air Lines from the dead?

In other rescue news, Barack Obama's team is working hard to help Hillary Clinton overcome her election embarrassment.

Eerie parallel to Wall Street's meltdown: Wasn't it Obama who caused Hillary's meltdown? And now he's bailing her out?

On Wall Street, the bankers melted down the economy, and Paulson, the ex-CEO of Goldman Sachs and thus one of the most powerful Wall Street bankers, is spending billions of your money to rescue them.

(Rant continues here.)

The bailouts are spreading like a fungus. Not that bailouts aren't needed. But when exactly is the federal government's infectious enthusiasm to help our corporate citizens going to reach the country's human citizens?

Or at the very least, when is the federal government going to start bailing out the state and city governments that are having to slash their budgets — which means sacrificing the already underfunded social programs that promote the general welfare throughout the country?

If it pursues its present course, the federal government will eventually have to at least start setting up bread lines. Otherwise we'll all be too weak to go further into debt to buy those overpriced, gas-guzzling Detroit cars.

Here's an idea: Start directly saving the workers who build those cars by helping them restructure their mortgages and by making sure that vital social services for them and other ordinary Americans aren't cut. Do what the FDIC's Susan Bair suggests and attack the problem of getting the money flowing by starting at the bottom and working your way up, instead of starting at the top and letting these schemes trickle down — if they trickle down to us at all.

While you're waiting for the government's rescue engine to warm up . . .

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Bloomberg: 'U.S. Stock Futures Climb as Citigroup Rallies 41 Percent; Exxon Falls'

Salon: 'Barack Obama, honeymoon killer?'
"The Clintonites in his Cabinet, forgiveness for Lieberman, the creeping signs of centrism -- progressives aren't ready to panic, yet."

Wall Street Journal: 'U.S. Agrees to Rescue Struggling Citigroup'

Times (U.K.): 'Thirteen burned alive in Baghdad bus bomb'

Times (U.K.): 'Huang Guangyu, China's richest man, disappears amid corruption investigation'

Salon: 'Barack Obama wants you (to spill your secrets)'
"Prospective White House employees must cough up an unprecedented amount of detail about their online activity. Is the new administration being smart -- or scary?"

Scoop (New Zealand): 'Environmental Risk Management Authority Warned Over Inadequate Monitoring GE Animals'

Wall Street Journal: 'Anatomy of the Morgan Stanley Panic'
"Trading Records Tell Tale of How Rivals' Bearish Bets Pounded Stock in September."

Wall Street Journal: 'Scowcroft Protégés on Obama's Radar'

Wall Street Journal: 'U.S. Auto Makers Look to Federal Sales Incentives'

N.Y. Post: 'Citi Dump: Feds, Bank Giant in $1.2 Trillion "Toxic" Rescue'
"The feds late last night announced an unprecedented plan to rescue Citigroup by taking a $20 billion stake in the desperately troubled . . ."

Newsday: 'Gunman in NJ church kills his wife, wounds 2 others'

Times (U.K.): 'Gordon Brown defends plans to tax the rich'

N.Y. Post: 'HILLARY NOMINATION WOULD BE AN OBAMA-NATION' (Dick Morris)

Salon: 'Progressive complaints about Obama's appointments' (Glenn Greenwald)

N.Y. Times: 'Radio Host Has Drug Company Ties'

(Full disclosure: Daily doses of Lamictal are to blame for enabling me to write this column. If I had received $329,000 from the drug's manufacturer, I wouldn't have needed the drug.)

The Daily Flog: Bailing on the bailout; chips take dip; we're running low on spam.

You can't blame reporters for not getting the scoop on bailout czar Henry Paulson's latest moves.

Paulson himself doesn't know from one minute to the next. We know it's a crisis, but is he reacting quickly to changing events or is he just panicky and scrambling?

The vaunted Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) — the bailout that Congress wrestled with and finally approved — is now more trouble than it's worth, as the New York Times and others report.

Paulson says the government won't go ahead as planned with the key bailout provisions that Congress approved: the purchase of Wall Street firms' junk assets.

So, the plan for spending the $700 billion is scrapped. But Paulson's going to put that money somewhere. And he's the appointee of one of America's most all-time unpopular presidents (recent polls say that).

We just had a monumental election, but right in the middle of this miserable reign delay, Paulson's rolling back the TARP. Who's on first?

It's not just Paulson. These days, any good news is accompanied by sour news, no matter what sector you're talking about. Example: There's a sharp decrease in junk mail since a major spam gang was captured, the BBC reports. At the same time, however, Intel, the world's largest chipmaker, further shook Wall Street with news that revenue (because of less demand for chips worldwide) is sharply down.

Never in the past 60 years have Americans had less confidence in a president, according to surveys, yet it's Bush's guy who is making moves — or not making moves — right and left.

This is the lame-duckiest of all lame-duck presidential situations. And we have two more months of Paulson trying to figure out how to bail out his Wall Street pals.

So ignore the grossly misleading headline on the main Times story this morning: "U.S. Shifts Focus in Credit Bailout to the Consumer."

It's not the "consumer" but the credit card companies and the like that would get direct boosts, in hopes of prying money loose from private investors to get the credit markets rolling again.

Any sympathy you might feel for Paulson's task is tempered by the fact that it was he and his fellow investment bankers whose bad decisions got the financial world into this mess in the first place.

One thing Paulson is absolutely sure about: The time's still not right for average Americans to be bailed out, despite the tone of the Times headline. As the Times notes in the last half — the meatiest half — of its story this morning:

While he flails around looking for ways to spend $700 billion on everyone but you . . .

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

McClatchy: 'Blackwater likely to be fined millions in Iraq weapons case'

AP: 'Gay activists rally outside Mormon temple in NYC'

Bloomberg: 'German Economy Enters Worst Recession in 12 Years'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Germany slides into recession'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Obama's message to the world: we will act quickly on climate change'

China Media Project (Hong Kong): ' "Guilt by blog" and the trouble with China’s universities'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Murder charge after woman dies at Ku Klux Klan-style initiation'

Register (U.K.): 'Batman sues Batman over Batman'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Half-white is an insult: The debate over how black Obama is obscures the racial reconciliation his election represents'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Paulson abandons plans to buy up America's toxic mortgage assets'

L.A. Times: 'Angrier response to Prop. 8 steps up'

Time: 'The Obama Transition: What Will Change Look Like'

N.Y. Times: 'U.S. Shifts Focus in Credit Bailout to the Consumer'

L.A. Times: 'Congress isn't waiting for Obama'
"Lawmakers are unveiling plans to expand health coverage and curb global warming. And Democratic leaders have called a lame-duck session next week to discuss an auto industry bailout."

The Age (Australia): 'G20 leaders must wait for Obama meeting'

L.A. Times: 'Suicide bomber hits American military convoy in Afghanistan'

Bloomberg: 'Asian Stocks Tumble, Extend Global Rout, on U.S. Treasury Shift'

BBC: 'Spam plummets as gang leaves net'

N.Y. Post: 'PAULA FANATIC SUIC"IDOL": OBSESSED SHOW REJECT KILLS HERSELF OUTSIDE ABDUL'S LA MANSION'

Scotsman (U.K.): 'Happy birthday, Nessie – the legend lives on'

Register (U.K.): 'DHS robotic airport missile-patrol plan to be shelved: Droid dazzler overwatch ploy too pricey'

N.Y. Times: 'Bush, Out of Office, Could Oppose Inquiries'

Register (U.K.): 'GooFlu searches for sickness: Google tells you when to get sick'

BBC: 'Colombians riot over pyramid scam'

Register (U.K.): 'Mankind to detect alien life "by 2025" '

China Media Project (Hong Kong): 'Taxi strikes in China highlight changing press controls'

Shockingly endorses at least a teensy bit of government control of Wall Street.

Ayn Rand must be so upset at her former acolyte Alan Greenspan.

Earlier today, Greenspan reluctantly admitted that some regulation might be needed to help solve what he called a "once-in-a century credit tsunami."

He actually acknowledged that, just maybe, Wall Street's bankers didn't do a very good job of regulating themselves.

Of course, Greenspan and the bankers act as if this global financial meltdown is a natural disaster, instead of an unnatural one. That's the same excuse we heard in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. At least that crisis was precipitated by a natural disaster. It was the pre-planning and post-hurricane response that were manmade disasters.

On the other hand, maybe they're accidentally right — in part. Tsunamis don't just happen; they're the ocean's response to a blowup of some sort. What the bankers don't want to admit is that they, with Greenspan's help, blew things up and caused the shockwave that caused the tsunami.

Our mortgages bankrolled their game. And this what we get for their fucking with our money.

Back to Ayn Rand: Greenspan sat at her feet half a century ago, a rapt pupil at her Saturday night salons (see the Greenspan timeline at aynrand.org.)

There must have been some heavy bloviating at those sessions, and the servants' ears must still be burning. Rand's Atlas was born to shrug at the poor, even the middle-class. She was famous for putting her trust in industrialists and other bigshots to run the world as they see fit. Real men don't need regulation — that's a core belief for Rand and her pupil Greenspan.

But earlier today, during the Waxman Committee's meltdown hearing on the "role of federal regulators," Greenspan said:

How dare he suggest that Wall Street bankers have to play with their own money, instead of being bankrolled by our mortgages!

I must be hallucinating, but Reuters confirms Greenspan's kinda, sorta apologia:

Where is John Galt? On his way to kick Greenspan's ass.

If you took the plunge, you're taking a plunge today: The Dow is dropping like a cast-iron pig.

If you're betting on Barack Obama, on the other hand, you're happy.

But don't take that warm feeling to the bank. It doesn't matter whether or not you yourself play the market. With a recession likely, it's going to play you.

Bailout or no, corporate types still aren't satisfied with the billions that taxpayers are injecting into the market. Dust off the presses and start printing more dollar bills to give to corporate America, because the Wall Street Journal reports in mid-afternoon:

Over at the InTrade prediction market, the only exchange where you're in little danger of being struck on the head by your portfolio, John McCain's stock is also dropping (see chart). And there ain't no wild gyrations — except in Obama's camp: His share price is steadily rising, at least ahead of tonight's debate.

InTrade's state-by-state breakdown shows Obama leading McCain in electoral college votes, 364-174 — only 270 are needed for a victory.

And players are player-hatin' when it comes to the economy: Shares are up on the prediction that the economy will fall into a recession this year; they're down on the prediction that the recession will occur next year.

The only market in New York City still functioning is the farmers' market in Union Square — at least it'd better be when I stop by later this morning to buy something from Apple Mary.

Wall Street? Don't even go there. Yesterday was its worst day since 1987 or 1937 or 1934, or 1642, depending on which panic-stricken "expert" you listen to.

Things continue to be "unprecedented" — a word that, as I've noted, pops up everywhere but unfortunately is not overused. What could be scarier than that? The Wall Street Journal trumpets one of its excellent stories this morning this way:

Depression? How about psychosis? Everywhere but in China, which stands to take over the world economy a lot sooner than expected. Only there are government officials able to step back and watch while Wall Street burns down and the fire spreads elsewhere. See McClatchy's 'China sits out global crisis, focusing on own growth.'

Here? Nothing but panic in the financial markets, and the shit's already rolling downhill. Return to America's best newspaper chain and see McClatchy's Kevin G. Hall: 'American heartland is suffering from Wall Street's woes.'

As for people who have to wear ties every day, the Washington Post's "Fears of Recession Deepen Rout: Stock Decline Sweeps Through All U.S. Sectors and Pummels Asian Markets," is stuffed full of paragraphs like this one:

Don't go farther south into lower Manhattan than the Village Pet Store and Charcoal Grill in the Village, where you can see the mysterious artist Banksy's exhibit of robotic pet hot dogs.

Read the N.Y. Times piece "Where Fish Sticks Swim Free and Chicken Nuggets Self-Dip," if you want, but stop by for what might be the most pertinent image: a robot rhesus monkey sitting with headphones on, mesmerized by a TV screen. He's supposed to be watching porn, but he's probably watching the BBC.

Perhaps the person who has the best perspective on the situation is Seth Glickenhaus, who was around during the Great Depression's inception. At 94, he's still picking stocks for his investment firm.

Exactly two years ago today, Barron's Sandra Ward extracted this overall analysis — mostly accurate — from Glickenhaus (read it at seekingalpha.com):

OK, so companies aren't better managed and they aren't adjusting faster. But Glickenhaus makes you think: You want to end the war in Iraq? Maybe we'll be too broke and will have to bring our troops home. Maybe when they get back here, they'll have to defend D.C. against a new Bonus Army. Maybe they'll want to stay over there rather than return to the U.S. only to find their families sitting on the curb after losing their homes. No, they'll surely want to get out of Iraq, even if it means they'll have to go on guard duty at banks here.

Only slightly less fearful than Iraq is the global panic, because there aren't any more poorhouses for us to go to. Go back to yesterday's news and read "Fear Trumps Greed as Market Woes Paralyze Economies," in which Bloomberg's Matthew Benjamin and Michael McKee deftly parse the psychology of the horrorshow "feedback loop" (as the BBC and others call it):

There's plenty more in this adroit story:

So who should take a stab at trying to be the new FDR? Loudmouth stock expert Jim Cramer, as glib in print as he is on TV, opts for Barack Obama over John McCain. In his recent New York piece "Wall Street, Fall 2009," Cramer writes:

That may well be, but America is a depression, not a recession.

Before the newspaper industry tanks and while I still have my computer, I've typed these headlines . . .

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

OpenSecrets.org: 'Wall Street's Favorite Candidates'

Slate: 'Who Died and Made Bloomberg King of New York?'

N.Y. Post: ' "PEOPLE HAVE LOST ALL FAITH': 678-PT. DOW FALL PUTS YEAR'S LOSS NEAR 40 PERCENT'

Wall Street Journal: 'Futures Head Toward Sharp Losses'

N.Y. Daily News: 'With stock market falling, advice on what to do about 401(k)'

Wall Street Journal: 'U.S. Weighs Backing Bank Debt'

Wall Street Journal: 'At Morgan Stanley, Outlook Darkens; Stock Tumbles 26 Percent'

CNN: 'Smoke detected at Japanese nuclear plant'

Wall Street Journal: 'Finland's Martti Ahtisaari Wins Nobel Peace Prize'

N.Y. Post: 'PRAYING FOR ALMIGHTY $$'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Markets crash: How panic spread around the globe'

Wall Street Journal: 'Economists Expect Crisis to Deepen'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Huge bonuses for City high flyers will be hard to rein in'

CongressDaily: 'Senator urges suspension of Iraq publicity contracts'

Wall Street Journal: 'McCain Campaign Is at Odds Over Negative Attacks' Scope'

Wall Street Journal: 'AIG Increases Borrowings While Racing to Sell Assets'

China Digital Times: 'China Says it Won't Torture Guantanamo Detainees'

Detroit News: 'College students face barriers to voting'

N.Y. Times: 'States' Actions to Block Voters Appear Illegal'

N.Y. Post: 'BAGHDAD GOES BOOM - IN STOX'

In the midst of the global financial crisis caused by Wall Street speculators, don't sell Wall Street short.

Let the hedge funds do it for you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to the speculators who have raked billions in profits from Wall Street in just the past decade. Now that the SEC's three-week ban on short-selling is ending, hedge-fund managers can start gambling again on the planet's future.

No matter how it goes, they'll make out big-time. That's what hedge-fund managers do — they hedge their bets.

This is a good thing. Just listen to Peter Sorrentino, a money manager at Huntington Asset Advisors in Cincinnati, which oversees $16.5 billion. Bloomberg quotes him in "Hedge Funds May Cut Volatility as Short-Sale Ban Ends":

Your $700 billion bailout didn't work, so now the hedge-fund managers will step in with their cash to try to right things. Shouldn't it have been the other way around?

At least you're not in Zimbabwe, where the inflation rate has now soared to 231,000,000 percent.

Take a brief break from worrying about your financial future and worry about kittens and other things . . .

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Guardian (U.K.): 'Pass the cat burgers: Desperate to read a story that's not about the economy? Welcome to the outrage caused by Peru's cat-eating festival.'

McClatchy: 'Supreme Court shows little sympathy for whales beset by sonar'

L.A. Times: 'Iraq play is a tragicomedy'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Sex addiction on the rise, from pop culture to Wall Street'

N.Y. Post: 'TIN PAN ALLEY'S SAD TUNE'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Historian says Beatles were just capitalists, and not youth heroes'

Times (U.K.): 'Picasso is too low-brow for the Louvre'

L.A. Times: 'Surfers' spirits sink as artificial reef near LAX is dismantled'

N.Y. Times: 'NKorea May Be Developing Small Nuclear Warhead'

IRIN: 'Efforts to fight "black cloud" in Cairo'

BBC: 'Police HQ attacked in Islamabad'

BBC: 'Firefox users gain location tool'

Washington Post: 'Man Finds Wrong House, Wrong Bed, Nice Family'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Hawaiian Tropic Zone creep accused in attacks on 4 women'

Hit the books before the bookkeepers hit you.

Like it or not, the issue of "mark-to-market" accounting rules, which I tried to delve into yesterday, is something to keep an eye on.

And it's a good issue on which to gauge the presidential candidates. John McCain, for instance, would be happy as hell if the SEC abolished the mark-to-market rules for how corporations value their assets.

That puts him squarely against a vast array of consumer groups, big-time investors, and accountants who say that abolishing mark-to-market accounting is idiotic and would set up the economy for an even bigger fall.

I detailed some of that yesterday, but see the Center for Public Integrity's Paper Trail blog. In "Counting on a New Accounting," Marianne Lavelle gives some good background on the issue.

More below on the specifics of Lavelle's piece — and a reminder of one of the best pieces of investigative journalism on corporate kleptocracy not to appear in a newspaper or magazine but in an SEC document — but first . . .

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

BBC: 'Baghdad shaken by suicide attacks'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Taser cop suicide note: It's my fault'

Election Law Blog: 'Homer Simpson Tries to Vote for Obama But is Thwarted by Electronic Voting Machine'

Freedom to Tinker: 'Judge Suppresses Report on Voting Machine Security'

McClatchy: 'Government by Goldman Sachs comes to end'

The Register (U.K.): 'California outlaws RFID tag skimming'

McClatchy: 'Lax oversight? Maybe $64 million for D.C. pols explains it'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Chopped her up, buried her in cement "for love" '

The Register (U.K.): 'Nokia chief: Mobile superiority coming to America'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Haredim Begin Confronting Pedophilia'

L.A. Times: 'Lobbying blitz ushers bailout bill back to House'

McClatchy: 'Saving Wall Street: Bailout bill gives tax break to NASCAR'

The Register (U.K.): 'Catholic priests cane YouTube over blasphemous vids'

Jurist: 'US soldier pleads guilty to accessory to murder in Iraqi detainee deaths'

BBC: 'Albinos in Burundi flee killings'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'The Ibos of Nigeria: Members of the Tribe?'

N.Y. Times: 'Agency's '04 Rule Let Banks Pile Up New Debt, and Risk'

Washington Post: 'On the Sunny Beaches of Brazil, A Perplexing Inrush of Penguins'

McClatchy: 'Wachovia dumps Citigroup, agrees to merge with Wells Fargo'

BBC: ' "Hundreds join" settler violence'

China Digital Times: 'Chinese Snoop on Skype, but Are They Alone?'

N.Y. Times: 'Bill Paves Way for a Third Term for Bloomberg'

N.Y. Times: 'Confronting Taliban, Pakistan Finds Itself at War'

N.Y. Times: 'Persistent Anxiety Over Tight Credit Sends Stocks Plunging'

Washington Post: 'Greed Is Fine. It's Stupidity That Hurts.'

N.Y. Times: 'Falling Oil Price Is a Positive Note Amid Turmoil'

Washington Post: 'Activists Angered By Blame For Crisis'

China Digital Times: 'China tangled up in red, white and blue'

BBC: 'Congo rebel "to expand rebellion" '

Getting beyond the yipping and yapping of pseudo-news like the TV debates to ferret out something that actually matters more than a reality show: The Center for Public Integrity's Marianne Lavelle tackles the topic of mark-to-market accounting (one of the keys to the current financial crisis) and notes:

And here's much of the rest of her item — I'm quoting it at length because the topic may seem too arcane for you to click on:

Did you notice the mention of former SEC Chairman Richard Breeden? He was the author of one of the all-time great expositions on corporate hubris and corruption: the August 30, 2004, report he prepared for the board of the odious legend-in-his-own-mind Conrad Black's former company, Hollinger International. (See the report for free on the SEC's own site; see my 2007 items here and here.)

In the report, the former SEC chair actually titled one of his topics "CORPORATE KLEPTOCRACY" — to refresh your memory, he was talking about the actions of a corporate boardroom that included Henry Kissinger and Richard Perle. (The report gives Kissinger a pass but roasts Perle.)

The massive report, beautifully and clearly written, is just about as fine a piece of investigative journalism as has ever been done about the workings of corporate America. And it was written from the inside, on the inside — not for a newspaper or magazine. Check it out before the bank repossesses your house and computer.