Plans are moving apace to purposely set up a "toxic bank" full of poisonous assets to further bail out those banks that had greedily and recklessly accumulated them.

Call it Shitibank. And give it the naming rights to the new baseball stadium for the New York Mets, taking the moniker away from toxic Citibank.

No joke. As Ground Zero reminds us of 9/11, ShitiField would serve as a monument to the global financial meltdown caused by New Yorkers. ShitiField would remind us to burst any future Wall Street bubbles before they blow up in our faces.

And, once the toxic bank is up and running, we proles can move our non-existent pension money to it. But don't count on driving a new Nissan to the new bank: Even if you could afford to buy one, Nissan can't afford to keep its factories open to manufacture one.

What's really going to happen this week sounds just as far-fetched, but it's not: Many investors on Wall Street don't want the market to recover. They want it to hit bottom so they can start buying shares and companies again.

Bigwig Ray Dalio of the hedge fund Bridgewater Associates tells Barron's:

Meanwhile, corporate welfare is humming along, as government's sudden socialists are coming to the rescue of capitalism. Heartwarming, especially for the likes of Nissan, which, as the Wall Street Journal reports, plans to "seek government assistance from Japan, the U.S. and elsewhere."

And now the rescue plan for America calls for a combination of the toxic bank and encouragement by the government for hedge funds to profit from the grief by expanding their investments (instead of the government's clawing back ill-gained profits from hedge funds). And don't worry about Wall Street's top execs: All the scoldings by President Barack Obama won't stop them from making their big bucks. See? The free-market system does work.

At least we know that defense contractors will make it through the depression in good shape. Bibi Netanyahu is about to reclaim control of Israel, and that will signal that, as the BBC reports, "Israel is shifting to the right" and, as the Daily News says, "a harder line is coming with Israel's Arab neighbors."

Could the line get any harder, you ask?

While you're investing in weapons makers or just waiting to pour your money back into the market or snap up some ailing companies, click on these...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Seeking Alpha: 'U.S. Government vs. the Stock Market'

Gawker: 'Top Five Kellogg's Recipes For Stoners'

N.Y. Times: 'U.S. Bank Bailout to Rely in Part on Private Money'

N.Y. Times: 'Applications Surge at Cooper Union'

Newsday: 'Explore LI: Pamper your pooch'

Wall Street Journal: 'Bailout Revamp Could Use Private Bank for Bad Assets'

Seeking Alpha: 'Investors Staying Away from Banks; Gold Attempts to Break Downtrend'

N.Y. Times: 'Leader of Afghanistan Finds Himself Hero No More'

Fox: 'Australian PM: "It's Mass Murder"'

Wall Street Journal: 'Bank Bailout Plan Revamped'

N.Y. Post: 'E. HARLEM FIRE DEATH'

Forbes: 'Nissan To Ax 20,000 After Loss Warning'

Wall Street Journal: 'Saks Upended Luxury Market'

Fox: 'Stimulus Plan Includes Billions for Colleges and Students'

N.Y. Times: 'In Congress, Aides Start to Map Talks on Stimulus'

N.Y. Daily News: 'One BIG question remains: Who ratted out Alex Rodriguez?'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Netanyahu: the Golan Heights 'will remain in our hands'

Fox: 'Octuplets' Grandmother Calls Daughter's Actions 'Unconscionable"'

N.Y. Post: ''ROID-RIGUEZ IN HALL OF SHAME: TOOK 2 DRUGS THEN GOT TIPPED OFF TO MLB TESTS'

N.Y. Daily News: 'GOP's losses just might save party, says Lazio'

Bloomberg: 'MGM Doubles Down on Lobbying as U.S. Senators Work on Stimulus Measure'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Jewish Charities Look to Stimulus Bill To Stave Off Cuts'

Onion: 'Per Tradition, Ex-Presidents Watch Obamas Christen White House Bed'

Crain's New York Business: 'Parents question mayor's math'

Wall Street Journal: 'U.S. Weighs Fed Program to Loosen Lending'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Mike to GOP: Miss me, baby?'

N.Y. Times: '2008 Taxes: Big changes may come in expanded tax breaks to the less wealthy'

CNN: 'Man, 47, marries girl, 8'

Wall Street Journal: 'Pay Collars Won't Hold Back Wall Street's Big Dogs'

N.Y. Post: 'RAGING PENSION FIRE'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Bloody mob chop shop could become school bus depot'

N.Y. Post: '3 DEAD IN BLOODY UPPER WEST SIDE SLAY-SUICIDE'

Wall Street Journal: 'Soaring Job Losses Drive Stimulus Deal'

Bloomberg: 'U.S. Said to Hire N.Y. Bankruptcy Lawyers to Advise on Automakers' Bailout'

New Yorker: 'Can We Transform the Auto-Industrial Society?'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Final nails in coffin for city welfare burial fund'

Wall Street Journal: 'Railing Against the Rich: A Great American Tradition'

Crain's New York Business: 'NYC, London vie for the bottom'

Bloomberg: 'Fed Calls Emergency Consultants to Triage and Treat AIG, Stricken Markets'

Wall Street Journal: 'Summers Crafts Broad Role in Reshaping Economy'

Onion: 'Liberals Horrified By Lack Of Inexperience Among Obama Appointees'

Bloomberg: 'Notre Dame Cathedral, Louis XIV Chateau Reap Bonanza From France's Crisis'

Bloomberg: 'India Bucks Global Auto Trend After Rate Cuts Spur Record Sales at Suzuki'

IRIN: 'Homeless Gazans struggle to find shelter'

You may have seen the PDF version of the latest list of Bernie Madoff's human and corporate victims. If not, check it out.

See my colleague Roy Edroso's riff on the list. I'm trying to post a text version of the entire roster of willing suckers, but our server is gagging on the size. Anyone have a Bloomberg machine? May I borrow it? May the SEC borrow it?

Good for the New York Times! Always trying to take a broad view (even when one doesn't exist, as Jack Shafer often points out), the paper weighs in on how the plight of Bernie Madoff's white-haired victims gives us valuable insights about the global meltdown with this morning's "Fossils of Largest Snake Give Hint of Hot Earth."

Good info that the "prehistoric snake" was "a giant relative of today's boa constrictors." The elderly Madoff wasn't the first, nor will he be the last, snake to swallow your money. Wall Street is really is a dangerous place, even for celebrities — see the latest list of Madoff's victims.

Madoff whistleblower Harry Markopolos's testimony yesterday on Capitol wasn't quite as colorful, but the bookish-yet-tigerish accountant was pretty damn intense, as I previously noted.

Among other fascinating details, Markopolos told the dazed House members that he planned to deliver to the SEC today a "mini-Madoff." The agency is sure to accept this silver platter with respect and care.

President Barack Obama, on the other hand, is showing me no respect with his $500,000 limit on CEO pay ( VIDEO). To get a bailout, I have to limit my pay? I don't think so.

While I wait for my manservant to dress me, I'll also point out that the Times story "Daschle's Ambitions Collided, Friends Say" does little more than say what I already said yesterday. The Times was more polite.

Please click on these items. Pretty please...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

CNN: 'Toyota shuts down all but one assembly line'

N.Y. Post: 'BANKS' MONEY WELL SPENT'

Newsday: 'Drilling leases on Utah land scrapped'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Twins' rage: Coward could never face our father'

N.Y. Times: 'Senate Adds Homebuyer Tax Credit to Stimulus Bill'

N.Y. Post: 'O WARNS OF "CATA$TROPHE": URGES STIMULUS OK AMID MOUNTING RESISTANCE'

Wall Street Journal: 'Forget Golf: Street Junkets Get Junked'

CNN: 'Overseer calls for bank bailout makeover'

Financial Crisis Update: 'SEC Official Endorses Central Counterparty for Credit Default Swaps as Global Consensus Grows'

N.Y. Times: 'Daschle's Ambitions Collided, Friends Say'

N.Y. Times: 'Science Found Wanting in Nation's Crime Labs'

N.Y. Post: 'ON WALL STREET: WHO COULD LIVE ON $500K?'

Wall Street Journal: 'Study: 9/11 Lung Problems Persist Years Later'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Cops on hunt for suspect in brutal rape in East Harlem laundromat'

N.Y. Times: 'Boo Hoo in the Boardroom'

Wall Street Journal: 'Faith-Based Program Gets Wider Focus'

N.Y. Post: 'AMAZIN' AMBUSH! SHAMSKY'S ANGRY EX POUNCES'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Cheney: Beware nukes'

Wall Street Journal: 'Gaza's Isolation Slows Rebuilding Efforts'

N.Y. Times: 'Societal Cost of Meth Use Is Gauged in New Study'

Bloomberg: '"Failed" Wall Street Forces Biggest Rewrite of Rules'

N.Y. Post: 'PLAYBOY'S ROCKER SCRIBE RIFFS ON STREET ROGUES'

N.Y. Daily News: 'The great Big Apple sports broadcaster debate'

N.Y. Post: 'SMOKING FEATHER OF FLIGHT 1549'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Lehman judge charged with hitting wife gets lawyer'

Bloomberg: 'Soros Imitators Reap Riches in Financial Whirlwind on Global Macro Funds'

Forbes: 'Buffett Sinks Billions Into Swiss Re'

'Sandy Koufax, John Malkovich among Bernie Madoff victims as court filings are released'

From the Daily News:

Boston Globe: 'The whistleblower: Dogged pursuer of Madoff wary of fame'

U.S. News & World Report: '5 Things to Know About Whistleblowing'

Bloomberg: 'Madoff Said Only Brother Could Do Audit, Witness Tells Congress'

Whistleblower Lawyer Blog: 'Whistleblower Protections Added to Economic Stimulus Bill Passed by House'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Photo gallery: Madoff's victims'

N.Y. Post: 'DIVORCEE BIDS TO 'EX'-TEND MADOFF PAIN'

Whistleblower Lawyer Blog: 'Hedge Funds Face Regulation & Oversight by SEC--Will There Be Another Compliance Tool in Addition to IRS Whistleblower Program?'

Fortune: 'Did Madoff's feeder fund shop for friendly audits?'

AP: '[Massachusetts] pension fund fires 2 managers'

N.Y. Daily News: '$1B of swindled funds uncovered, Madoff's alleged vics to get paid "in the near future"'

N.Y. Post: 'HOW SEC BOZOS BLEW IT: WHISTLEBLOWER RIPS DO-NOTHING FED "FLEAS"'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Car dealer hopes to say, "I Madoff with 100G"'

N.Y. Daily News: 'GM Omar Minaya says Mets will not go after Manny Ramirez'

What few celebrations are still planned for International Human Rights Week, which is winding down and ends tomorrow, one thing is clear: Bernie Madoff isn't invited.

Nothing could be further from "human rights" than Madoff's scheme, short of his taking a machine gun and going berserk.

A shanda we're talking about. The Yiddish word for shame/scandal fits well — particularly the expression "a shanda fur die goy," which means doing something embarrassing to Jews where non-Jews can observe it.

Check out Laurence Leamer's enlightening December 12 piece on HuffPost, "Bernard Madoff and the Jews of Palm Beach," for more on this moneychanger who hung out in temples instead of being driven from them.

Don't call me a self-hating Jew. Jew-haters will relish this sorry episode; look for an outbreak of anti-Semitism, especially in Europe, which has such a strong history of it.

The rest of you can restrict your hate to Madoff, the exclusive-club guy who scammed his co-religionists in much the same way that Christian evangelists fleece their flocks. Few religions are immune: Muslims even blow themselves up for their "faith."

This Madoff situation is kind of the reverse of Weekend at Bernie's, the 1989 comedy in which the title character dies and a couple of employees prop him up to pretend to others that he's still alive.

Madoff, however, is no joke. The Wall Street goniff's shanda is crippling the world — including the crippled children treated at the hospitals that invested millions of dollars in his Ponzi scam.

Like the Long Island Jewish Hospital chain, which, as Newsday reports, lost $5.7 million. It was only that relatively small amount for the heavily endowed hospital, the paper says, because some schnook stipulated that the hospital invest his donation with Madoff.

Madoff's alma mater, Hofstra, placed him on leave from his post as a trustee. But Yeshiva University, here in the city, has made Madoff disappear. Bernie was a trustee there, too, but the school's webmeisters are frantically scrubbing all mention of him on the Yeshiva site.

That won't stop people from knowing that, as the Jewish Telegraphic Agency (the Jewish establishment's main news wire) reports, Yeshiva was "hit hard" by Madoff's scheming:

How embarrassing, especially fur die goyim, that Madoff was chairman of Yeshiva's Sy Syms School of Business. That's the same Syms whose clothing stores spout the slogan "An Educated Consumer is Our Best Customer."

That's the way Bernie Madoff must have seen it while he bilked his rich, well-educated investors.

And now that adds to the burden of Barack Obama. At least he's from the city of big shoulders. And he'll need them.

It is satisfying that Madoff is one of those annoying high-society mogul twits and that he has enveloped other rich goniffs in places like the Palm Beach Country Club.

It's like a bad Spielberg movie — and it is to Steven Spielberg himself, who also got taken.

But Madoff's assault on other rich people is only an amusing sideshow in light of the charities and other institutions that got suckered and are now shuttered because of his alleged Ponzi scheme. (Brilliant New York Post lede graf this morning: "He's the Grinch who stole ... everything.")

Wall Street's potholes are widening into one big chasm, thanks in part to such stupidity as pension funds letting Wall Streeters manipulate the money reserved for hard-working middle-class retirees. Yes, it's not only banks, hedge funds, and other rich people who lost millions. Fairfield, Connecticut, for just one of many examples, reports losses of $42 million in pension funds.

Maybe potholes is the wrong word. Wall Street's looking like tar pits that are hardening so suddenly that we can't even grab our shoes to throw them at crooks and pols.

On the other hand, now we hear that Dick Cheney calls the Guantanamo Bay prison "very valuable" and wants it to stay open. That's a great idea. Send Bernie Madoff and other Wall Street crooks there.

But at least environmentalists are getting good news about other valuable real estate. They just might have won a major victory with Obama's selection of Colorado senator Ken Salazar as Secretary of the Interior.

He's definitely no Stewart Udall — not even close — but for these times he'll do. Salazar has been engaged with the Bush regime's Bureau of Land Management in a bitter fight to keep the government from tearing up the Roan Plateau in western Colorado, a beautiful, massive area west of Aspen that sits over gas and oil shale.

For newsy, recent background, see Alan Prendergast's fine reporting (as always) in the Denver alt paper Westword. Last June, in "A Hot Summer on the Roan Plateau," Prendergast wrote:

For a human's look at the Roan, a place you've never heard of, see Prendergast's "Raiding the Roan: Rich in wildlife and natural resources, the Roan Plateau survived the last energy boom. Will this one destroy it?"

Stewart Udall, by the way, is still alive. And as recently as last June, the still-sharp 88-year-old former Secretary of the Interior under JFK and LBJ told the New York Times's Timothy Egan that he was hopeful that the country was about to enter "a new era" of conservation.

Tragically, his brother, charismatic former congressman, presidential candidate, and shoulda-been-president Mo Udall, died a decade ago after a bitter battle against Parkinson's during which he clung to his congressman post for 12 years after he was diagnosed. However, Stewart's son Tom Udall is a senator-elect in New Mexico, and Mo's son Mark Udall is a senator-elect in Colorado.

As Egan wrote:

That is a family that helps relieve the bitter taste left in our mouths by Bernie Madoff and his clan.

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Times (U.K.): 'Head of IMF fears unrest without action on economy'

Register (U.K.): 'Nine in ten emails now spam'

McClatchy: 'Even with gasoline prices down, Americans cut back on driving'

New Yorker: 'News You Can Lose'

Times (U.K.): 'British banks losing billions to "one big lie" in biggest ever fraud'

Washington Post: 'Obama Picks Chicago's Schools Chief For Cabinet'

N.Y. Times: 'Kennedy Seeks to Prove Qualifications for Senate Bid'

McClatchy: 'Bush shoe incident caught Secret Service flatfooted'

N.Y. Post: 'The Most Hated Man in New York: Bernie Madoff Skulks From His Manhattan Penthouse'

Register (U.K.): 'China "bans" BBC's Chinese website'

McClatchy: 'Probe finds politics drove endangered species decisions'

N.Y. Times: 'Legal Hurdle in Blagojevich Case: A Crime, or Just Talk?'

L.A. Times: 'Madoff debacle hits region's Jewish community'

N.Y. Times: 'Giant Wall St. Fraud Leaves Charities Reeling'

Aspen Daily News (Colorado): 'Conservation groups ask Obama for oil shale reversal'

McClatchy: 'For Congress, auto executives are "lemons," too'

George W. Bush got the boot Sunday in Iraq.

(Chorus) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah.

If the shoe hits, wear it.

(Chorus)

No matter what size the shoes were, they're too big for Bush to fill.

(Chorus)

Just the presence of Bush makes you want to hurl.

(Chorus)

OK, that's enough for now. See my item yesterday for more (and for photos and a video link).

I'm even more embarrassed that, along with most others, I ignored the fact that of course Barack Obama's shark, Rahm Emanuel, had dealt with Illinois Governor Rod "Obama is a Motherfucker" Blagojevich about the Senate vacancy.

Obama was certainly careful not to ignore it, when he said last Thursday, "I have never spoken to the governor on this subject. I am confident that no representatives of mine would have any part of any deals related to this seat."

Deals, no, Dealings, yes. Nothing nefarious about having to deal with the guy who has the power to name someone to Obama's Senate seat. It would be shocking if Emanuel hadn't talked with Blago about it.

Speaking of throwing shoes, that's too good for Bernie Madoff. He needs to be beaten like a red-headed stepchild.

But the real whippings should be reserved for those banks, institutional investors, and already rich machers from Palm Beach to Beverly Hills to London to Geneva to New York who invested with the guy.

Here's the SEC complaint against Madoff.

But where was the SEC a decade ago? As the Wall Street Journal reported last week:

Finally, a hero on Wall Street.

But don't blame only the SEC. Wall Streeters and the pols in their pockets have for years tried to de-fang the SEC by reducing its funding and luring away top regulators with higher-paying jobs and having them lobby their old pals.

A steady drumbeat of "Deregulate, deregulate" was all you heard from Wall Street for decades. This is what happens when you don't regulate.

While you figure out how protect your millions from scamsters like Madoff ...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Agence France Presse: 'Alwaleed still leads Arab tycoons despite losses'

Wall Street Journal: 'Google Wants Its Own Fast Track on the Web'

N.Y. Post: 'MADOFF SCAM BECOMES 'EARTH' QUAKE: $50B DISASTER RIPPLES FROM TOKYO TO GENEVA'

Times (U.K.): 'Bush says he saw "sole" of Iraqi shoe attacker'

Guardian (U.K.): 'George Bush: US will not walk away from Afghanistan'

Agence France Presse: 'Lebanese send more money home in 2008, but crisis may slow remittances'

Wall Street Journal: 'Emanuel, Blagojevich Aides Discussed Senate Seat: After Election, Obama Team Relayed List of Acceptable Candidates; No Evidence There Was Any Illegal Quid Pro Quo'

N.Y. Post: 'PATERSON IN A BLIND RAGE OVER SNL SKIT'

Wall Street Journal: 'Losses in Madoff Case Spread'

Agence France Presse: 'Journalist hurls shoes at 'dog' Bush during surprise Iraq visit'

Washington Post: 'Bush Defends Iraq War During a Farewell Visit: Iraqi Journalist Hurls Two Shoes at Bush During Press Conference With Al-Maliki'

Wall Street Journal: 'SEC Had Chances for Years to Expose Madoff's Alleged Ponzi Scheme'

Economist (U.K.): 'Ponzi squared: Just when Wall Street needs it least, Bernie Madoff's pyramid scheme takes financial fraud to new lows'

Scotsman (U.K.): 'Banks braced for Madoff impact' (Martin Flanagan)

You can only pray that Tuesday's election won't be bollixed too severely by ridiculous voter-ID rules and other GOP-driven schemes designed to thwart democracy. That is voter fraud, not the "voter fraud" that Republican operatives are braying about.

What's scarier than the election shakes, the continuing financiopathic mood swings, a staggering loss of jobs ("Layoffs Sweep From Wall St. Across New York Area," New York Times), and the hoarding of billions of dollars by hedge funds? A new wave of bomb blasts and bad behavior across the planet:

• L.A. Times: 'Suicide bomber penetrates Afghanistan government ministry, killing 3'

• Irish Times (Dublin) 'At least 29 die in bombings across northern Somalia'

• BBC: 'Chaos grips major DR Congo city'

• Voice of America: 'Serial Bomb Blasts Rock India's Assam State'

And to top it off, we find out that many hospitals are doing a poor job of easing our pain. As McClatchy's Robert S. Boyd reports, in "Adequate pain care sorely lacking for patients":

Back to election bellyaching: Just the latest of many warnings come this morning not only on the macro level — L.A. Times: "Vote watchdogs warn of troubles on election day," — but also on the local level — Evansville (Indiana) Courier & Press: "Voter registry concerns emerging." Dateline Evansville:

The "accuracy of new registrations"? Some reporters mistakenly assume that the GOP-driven "fraud" propaganda points to a huge problem, but the second part — whether local election officials are doing all they can to encourage voting — is the real concern.

Meanwhile, some people even fear an assassination attempt on Barack Obama (cf. Martin Luther King Jr.). Paul G. Buchanan's essay — "Campaign Rhetoric As An Invitation To Violence" — via the New Zealand news site Scoop may be bloviated claptrap, but it's interesting bloviated claptrap:

Speaking of the devils, the Presidential Prayer Team — given God's well-known sense of humor, He/She definitely does not listen to entreaties from this donation-hungry crew — reminds us:

Don't get off your knees yet:

If not, you can do this from home:

Yes, best wishes, Laura. Now get outta here. Seriously. Leave.

The rest of you? Keep clicking . . .

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

China Digital Times: 'Experience the Censored Chinese Internet at Home!'

Washington Post: 'Early Voters Breaking Records: Poll Shows 59 Percent of Ballots Already Cast Are for Obama'

Slate: 'The Liberal Media and How To Stop It: You can't. But these days, how much does it matter?' (Jack Shafer)

N.Y. Post: 'REV. ELVIS LOVED ME TENDER: CONFESSIONAL A SEDUCTION CHAMBER -- SUIT'

Scoop (New Zealand): 'Campaign Rhetoric As An Invitation To Violence'

N.Y. Post: 'FDNY WIFE "TOO BLITZED" '
"A Staten Island mom accused of killing her fire-marshal husband was so drunk after the shooting that statements she made to a EMS captain should be thrown out, her lawyer told a judge yesterday."

Guardian (U.K.): 'Chancellor demands cheaper petrol as Shell posts record profits'

Washington Post: 'Treasury, FDIC Near Deal on Mortgage Aid'

McClatchy: 'Private sector loans, not Fannie or Freddie, triggered crisis'

N.Y. Times: 'Government Said to Be Discussing Plan to Aid Homeowners'

Guardian (U.K.): 'The Triumph of Ignorance: Why morons succeed in US politics'

N.Y. Times: 'Aggressive Fed Cuts Key Interest Rate by a Half-Point'

McClatchy: 'Fed slashes rate again, nearing uncharted waters'

N.Y. Post: 'SNOOPY DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE: DRUNK HUBBY KILLS WIFE'S BEAGLE -- COPS'

IRIN: 'Israel tries to block Gaza health conference'

N.Y. Post: 'MIKE BENCHES STEPH IN OPENER'

Hurriyet (Turkey): 'U.S. embassy in Syria shut over demo threat'
"The U.S. embassy in Damascus said it will be closed on Thursday due to the threat of demonstrations over a deadly American helicopter raid on a village near the Iraqi border."

New Yorker: 'Red Sex, Blue Sex: Why do so many evangelical teen-agers become pregnant?'

N.Y. Times: 'A Question for A.I.G.: Where Did the Cash Go?'

N.Y. Post: 'BEN'S BOOMERANG: MARTS GO DOWN, THEN UP, THEN DOWN ON FED RATE CUT'
"Ben Bernanke's wild-pitch rate cut bounced off Wall Street with a thud."

New Yorker: 'Odd Man Out: Chuck Hagel’s Republican exile'

New York: 'Time Inc. to Restructure, Lay Off 600 Workers'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Hedge funds contemplate safer climate in US'
"A new front is opening up in the battle between London and New York to be the world's dominant financial centre.

"Hedge funds, and the thorny question of where they decide to do business over the coming months, could mark a turning point in the delicate balance of power between the two market capitals.

"Despite widespread fears that hundreds of funds are poised to collapse, any shake-out in the industry will still leave hundreds of healthy firms with billions to invest."

Financial Times (U.K.): 'Outlook is bleak, say US chief finance chiefs'

Times of London (U.K.): 'Hedge funds fear bankruptcy after Porsche squeeze'

Financial Times (U.K.): 'Shock: Drudge loses his grip on US media!'

N.Y. Times: 'Army and Agency Will Study Rising Suicide Rate Among Soldiers'

BBC: 'Blind S Korea masseurs win case'
"A South Korean law which states that only the visually impaired can be licensed masseurs has been upheld in the country's Constitutional Court."

Times of London (U.K.): 'US presidential rankings -- numbers 32 to 22'

BBC: 'China toxic egg scandal spreads'

BBC: 'Second Gaza activist voyage docks'

In the midst of the global financial crisis caused by Wall Street speculators, don't sell Wall Street short.

Let the hedge funds do it for you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to the speculators who have raked billions in profits from Wall Street in just the past decade. Now that the SEC's three-week ban on short-selling is ending, hedge-fund managers can start gambling again on the planet's future.

No matter how it goes, they'll make out big-time. That's what hedge-fund managers do — they hedge their bets.

This is a good thing. Just listen to Peter Sorrentino, a money manager at Huntington Asset Advisors in Cincinnati, which oversees $16.5 billion. Bloomberg quotes him in "Hedge Funds May Cut Volatility as Short-Sale Ban Ends":

Your $700 billion bailout didn't work, so now the hedge-fund managers will step in with their cash to try to right things. Shouldn't it have been the other way around?

At least you're not in Zimbabwe, where the inflation rate has now soared to 231,000,000 percent.

Take a brief break from worrying about your financial future and worry about kittens and other things . . .

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

Guardian (U.K.): 'Pass the cat burgers: Desperate to read a story that's not about the economy? Welcome to the outrage caused by Peru's cat-eating festival.'

McClatchy: 'Supreme Court shows little sympathy for whales beset by sonar'

L.A. Times: 'Iraq play is a tragicomedy'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Sex addiction on the rise, from pop culture to Wall Street'

N.Y. Post: 'TIN PAN ALLEY'S SAD TUNE'

Guardian (U.K.): 'Historian says Beatles were just capitalists, and not youth heroes'

Times (U.K.): 'Picasso is too low-brow for the Louvre'

L.A. Times: 'Surfers' spirits sink as artificial reef near LAX is dismantled'

N.Y. Times: 'NKorea May Be Developing Small Nuclear Warhead'

IRIN: 'Efforts to fight "black cloud" in Cairo'

BBC: 'Police HQ attacked in Islamabad'

BBC: 'Firefox users gain location tool'

Washington Post: 'Man Finds Wrong House, Wrong Bed, Nice Family'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Hawaiian Tropic Zone creep accused in attacks on 4 women'

We feel the bankers' pain.

Running down the press:

A surprisingly lively New York Times lede this morning:

Not since the Clinton Administration has it been widely reported that people were on their knees in the White House and that a president talked about a sucker going down.

And this time it's a Treasury secretary on his knees, not just an intern. This is some serious shit.

Or not. McClatchy's Kevin G. Hall, who constantly snoops for fresh angles and comes up with solid material, writes in "Is the bailout needed? Many economists say 'no' ":

What? A story in the national press about the plight of the rest of us? How dare he!

John McCain's own September surprise isn't working out too well, as another McClatchy story points out. In "McCain gets blamed for angry end to Bush's bailout meeting," David Lightman and Margaret Talev write:

Yes, "principled." Buy or sell? Sell.

No question that the month has been tough on McCain, but just think about those poor mid-level banker types on Wall Street, which is just a little more than a stone's throw from my office. (If I had an arm like Rocky Colavito's and a bag of stones, I'd take the subway down there and start hurling, instead of just hurling over my latest bank statement.)

Anyway, in "Big banks delay decisions on bonuses," the Financial Times (U.K.) reports on the plight of British bankers' bonuses, which depend on how U.S. firms decide their own bonuses:

Well, we appreciate that news from the other side of the pond that at least we won't all drown. I'm certainly looking forward to my own bonus. I hope those bananas at the Astor Place kiosk are still only 35 cents apiece.

And here's a September surprise, again courtesy of the FT, whose Cash for Crash coverage rocks and is free for the viewing. In "Hedge fund chief warns on wrongdoing," Gillian Tett and James Mackintosh report a frank admission from a financial-world insider:

Chanos is of course saying this as a defense of short-selling, setting up the argument you'll hear in the coming years that there's a big difference between conniving and illegal conniving.

And here's something else in this FT story that comes as absolutely no surprise:

Weary of skipping around the web? Do some one-site shopping this morning. Here's a clump of readable FT stories that you could skim through and try to choke down over your third cup of coffee — remember to take small bites and chew thoroughly unless you want to spit up hairballs later in the day:

'US "will lose financial superpower status" '
'Church accused over short selling'
'WaMu seized and sold to JP Morgan'
'Flight from Morgan Stanley brokerage'
'Nomura offers bonuses to Lehman staff'
'CVS is added to ban list on short selling'

At least one of my Voice colleagues is staying focused on the presidential race: See Lynn Yaeger's "How I'm Contributing to McCain's Campaign Suspension."

And now . . .

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

N.Y. Times: 'In Storm's Aftermath, Cow Roundups in Southeast Texas'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Shoplifter turns in Brooklyn rapist'

Washington Post: 'Health Insurance Costs to Spike an Average 8 Percent'

Slate: 'Things Fall Apart'

BBC: 'Arming the Taleban'

Washington Post: 'U.S. Has Achieved "Victory" in Iraq, Palin Tells Couric'

Haaretz: 'Jewish terrorists tried to murder left-wing professor'

Washington Post: 'Away from Wall Street, Economists Question Basis of Paulson's Plan'

IRIN: 'Charity coffers face credit crunch'

Washington Post: 'Carbon Is Building Up in Atmosphere Faster Than Predicted'

Haaretz: 'Peres: U.S. has no choice but to save world from Ahmadinejad'

Washington Post: 'Negotiations Falter on Financial Bailout Package'

N.Y. Post: 'EX-CON HELD AS "JESUS RAPIST" '

Washington Post: 'Debate Remains In Limbo'

L.A. Times: 'Palin talks to Couric — and if she's lucky, few are listening'

Baltimore Sun: 'McCain hints debate appearance "possible" '

Financial Times: 'Ex-Merrill chief considers hedge-fund return'

Jurist: 'US military commissions prosecutor resigns due to "ethical qualms" '

N.Y. Times: 'Pakistani and American Troops Exchange Fire'

After feasting on Wall Street's collapse, hedge hog John Paulson scurries to London for more.

The early worm kills the birds — excuse me, we're talking of the financial world, so the birds are actually vultures.

And the worm is New Yorker John Paulson (left), the hedge-fund manipulator so admired in his circles.

Not as well-known as he should be to the rest of us, Paulson has fortunately surfaced into the news.

Hedge hog or worm — like a Fox, we report, you decide.

He's a different animal to those who worship short-sellers. Paulson's so admired that after Alan Greenspan sold us short, Wall Street's Rasputin went to work for Paulson. As the Financial Times noted last January:

Let's let Bloomberg — the news service owned by Mayor Mike Bloomberg — tell this latest story of Paulson's maneuvers after some counsel from his aging bitch Greenspan (as if Paulson really needed help).

The mayor, of course, has only indirectly helped people like John Paulson. Mayor Mike did nothing with his vast business knowledge to stop the damaging Wall Street derailments even though his company's sophisticated financial-data products that gave the mayor his fortune enabled Wall Street to figure out how to profit from subprime mortgages, credit arbitrage, and the like (as I pointed out yesterday).

Anyway, in "Paulson Shorts 4 of 5 Largest U.K. Finance Companies," the news wire Bloomberg reports:

Everybody's talking these days about Hank Paulson, whom Jon Stewart refers to as the Frankensteinish figure who's spending your money to bail out Wall Street's reckless financiers — who crapped out after playing with the billions you had already handed over to them.

Hank Paulson worked as Nixon flunky John Ehrlichman's assistant during the Watergate era and then made his money at Goldman Sachs, eventually becoming its CEO before his appointment as Dick Cheney's Treasury Secretary. (Paulson's official bio notes that not only is he an "avid nature lover" but that Goldman Sachs is "one of the world's largest and most successful investment banks." Make that "former investment bank.")

John Paulson, on the other hand, never worked for Nixon and he hasn't yet made enough money; he's straight out of Dune or Tremors: the giant worm too greedy to ever get his fill after making sneak attacks on his prey.

But John Paulson's not such a bad thing, if you believe his press releases. The final chapters of the Mike Bloomberg story — bailout czar? president? — have yet to be written, but the mayor's Bloomberg L.P. news service continues the story of John Paulson:

Don't decide whether you believe the bit about Paulson's "empathy" until you see this June 25 Wall Street Journal item, "Subprime Billionaire John Paulson: ‘Not a Credible Witness,' Court Says":

He wound up in the Canadian court after some complex maneuvering in the arbitrage bidness:

You don't have to go to Canada to learn more about Paulson. Just drive out to the Hamptons. That's what Vanity Fair's Michael Shnayerson did for his story last month, "Hamptons Overdrive":

I guess that means I should try to hang onto my house and just hope that John Paulson doesn't get his hands on my mortgage contract.