Go Pee

Tom Cruise once more attempts to prove his humanity by presenting the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to uber-producer/studio head Sherry Lansing. Everyone rises to their feet; audiences across the globe go on bathroom breaks.

Ellen works the room again, passing up the chance to accidentally brush against Beyonce’s breast in order to chat up Clint. Hilariously, I must admit, she leans over to ask Steven Spielberg to take their photo – twice, when she doesn’t like the framing of the first snap.

Gwneyth Paltrow emerges in a fabulous flesh-toned pleated number and inexplicably drops a YouTube reference - edgy! - into her warm up to the Best Cinematography award. Pan's Labyrinth. Close the borders now before they take all our jobs away!

The acrobats return and make a little bus, not yellow, for Best Picture embarrassment Little Miss Sunshine.