Showtime!

America’s Favorite Lesbian comes out in a maroon velvet tuxedo,not Dior Homme from the lumpy look of it. A bit nervous and a whole lot boring. “This is the most international Oscars ever,” she announces to a round of applause. “Mexico. Spain is in the house. Japan is representing…Such diversity in the room. If there weren’t blacks, Jews, and gays there would be no Oscars.” Huge applause. Gag me with a spoon.

Nicole Kidman and James Bond take the stage to present the award for Art Direction. And the winner is…Pan’s Labyrinth! So that settles it: Mexicans are the new white people.

Maggie Gyllenhaal up next to unload the boring geek awards. Time go refill my bowl of Veggie Booty.