Press Explores Health of Osama, Steve Jobs
The press is demanding more heath information on Steve Jobs, who yesterday announced he was taking a leave of absence from his Apple CEO duties due to health issues. Jobs characterized these issues as nutritional, but some doctors speculate that the pancreatic cancer survivor may have chronic pancreatitis, and that he needs a Whipple operation, an extensive procedure with a 70-80 percent success rate. As Apple shares fell this morning, the Times announced "It's Time for Apple to Come Clean" about Jobs' condition. Jobs satirist Dan Lyons told an CNBC audience, on air, that the network's Silicon Valley bureau chief had been "punked" by Apple in accepting Jobs' health claims before, and is reportedly banned from appearing there again.
Other reporters offered long-distance analysis of that other menace to our nation, Osama bin Laden. ABC News says he sounds "short of breath" and "wheezing" on his recent audiotape, and repeats old claims about the 52-year-old mass murderer's kidney problems, though it seems more likely to us that Osama, if it is Osama, has just been chain-smoking his cave-bound days away.