Worst Valentine's Day Pitches: "Love Maps"

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Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and our friends in PR seem to have saved their best V-Day flackery for today. Did you know global manufacturer Philips makes weird, podlike his 'n' her vibrators called "Intimate Massagers"? To promote their use on Valentine's Day, Philips suggests decorating oneself with its "Love Maps" (pictured) so your partner can locate your "multiple erogenous zones" and finally turn you on. For the visually handicapped, there are braille and talking-book editions.

If you're spending this Valentine's Day alone, you don't have to feel left out -- have online sex with virtual condoms! Through Facebook, Planned Parenthood offers you "e-condoms" you can send to your friends, or slip onto your avatar.

But the true meaning of Valentine's Day, of course, is money, and the Illinois CPA Society "Suggests a Valentine's Day Money Talk." "It won't add to the romance," admit the loveless Midwestern accountants, "but having an honest conversation about money upfront in a relationship just might make it last." Thanks, but our romance counselors have already covered this with us: instead of just leaving it on the bed, we put it in a thoughtful card.

We'll close with the most romatic Valentine's headlines we found: "Valentine's Day Culminates National Heart Failure Awareness Week" (from the equally enticing American Association of Heart Failure Nurses), "American Podiatric Medical Association Helps Americans 'Love' Their Feet This Valentine's Day," and "McKinneyDentist.com Hosts Free Day of Dentistry With Dentistry From The Heart." If that doesn't put you in the mood, consult your love map.

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