Studies in Crap and 1970's How To Pick Up Girls! Fail To Get You Laid

Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. He does this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

How to Pick Up Girls!

Author: Eric Weber
Publisher: Symphony Press, New York
Date: 1970
Discovered at: Goodwill
The Cover Promises: Much that the book fails to back up.

Representative Quotes
Page 21: "The point of this story is not that the girl was 'bad' or 'fast' or 'avant garde.' All it indicates is that normal, healthy young chicks like sex. Want sex. And, most important, will be glad to have sex with you if you only ask them."

Page 85: "March in a peace demonstration. Even if you're for war. I've heard countless stories of guys who have picked up fantastic broads in peace demonstrations."

In his introduction to this "foolproof guide to meeting women," author Eric Weber -- a horn-dog Sherpa to the brave new world of 1970s promiscuity -- describes what he considers a familiar situation. You're a guy, walking down the street, and you see this girl:

"Someone so absolutely stunning, so downright sexy, you actually find yourself running to catch up with her . . . For an instant you even consider rape."

Please, if you feel qualms about the term "feminist," consider how much that movement has accomplished: just a couple decades back, at the end of the idealistic 60s, there was nothing uncommon about men like Weber insisting that women were asking for it. "Why do you think so many of them have completely stopped wearing bras and panties? " he asks. Then he pants:

"They're showing you their breasts and behinds to stimulate you. To make you want to go to bed with them. To get you to caress and fondle their lovely behinds and soft warm breasts."

So, by comparison, with Weber, Maxim is Susan Faludi.

Fortunately, if you've studied Weber's system, you recognize that force isn't necessary. Instead, you've been hipped to a world-changing secret that gets a full chapter here: "Women Get Horny." Weber writes, "Next time you're wondering whether to try to pick up a certain girl, remember: It may be a long time since she's been to bed with a man. She might be horny. Very horny. Right at that very moment."

In the event that she's not horny, you still have a shot. Just follow Weber's vague system, which he lays out in a series of short, chatty chapters packed with unbelievable anecdotes about "knockers that about knocked me off my seat."


As far as I can tell, his system has four steps.

First, be sexy.

"Try on some of the new wild clothes. Bell bottoms and English boots and wide ties. Wear a body shirt or dungarees or a groovy vest. . . Think sexy. Think, I am a virile male animal."

And be yourself.

"If you aren't the wittiest guy in the room, don't try to be Jerry Lewis."

Then swoon and lie.

"The woman you're approaching must be made to feel you're head over heels in love with her . . . Half the time you want to pick up a girl it's because she's got a set of breasts that make you dizzy. Or the face of a movie star. Or the hips of a belly dancer. Not because she has some magnetic inner quality. Or whatever the hell it is she wants you to flip over. But you can't let them know that."

And don't expect any of this to work!

"The author of a book on how to pick up girls was rejected more times than he can remember. And he lived to talk about it." Worse, he even admits, "Before I started work on this book I never came close to approaching a strange woman. I was sure if I did I'd get bopped on the head with a pocketbook."

All of the following comes straight from Weber's chapter "Fifty Great Opening Lines":

  • How do you cook a leg of lamb? (You've spotted a pretty chick in your grocery store.)

  • Who's your dentist? (You want to know how she came by such beautiful white teeth.)

  • Where did you get that marvelous coat? (Tell her you work for a clothing company and think her coat is absolutely terrific.)

  • Fantastic book! Have you got to the part where the butler murders himself? (The sexy girl sitting next to you on the bus is reading a book you've just finished. Or even a book you've never heard of.)

  • I'll bet your name is Lisa. (To you, she looks like a Lisa. Pretty and sexy.)

  • I love you. (To be used half in jest at parties and in singles bars.)

  • I'm writing a book on picking up and I'd like to ask you a few questions. (I found this to be the picking up line of them all!)

The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.

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