Studies in Crap: Rollerskating a Sin, Handholding Permissible "Within the Bounds of Reason"
Your Crap Archivist
brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from
basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do
this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
You Asked For It
Author: Chuck Millhuff
Publisher: Pedestal Press
Discovered at: Thrift store
The Cover Promises: You asked for it. I mean, if you didn't want it, why did you wear that dress?
many legitimate things in life have been stained and spoiled by sin.
Roller skating is one of them." (page 37)
time to save your children. Ages 10 to 16 and 17 are good years for
camping, shopping, fishing, finishing the recreation room, buying a
Ping-Pong table, and going to football games with them. Learn how to
eat pizza. Make hamburgers. Wear penny loafers, Mom. It will help you
save your daughters and sons." (page 56)
In the forward to this collection of tough-minded answers to real kids' questions, Church of the Nazarene top dog Hardy C. Powers promises "Evangelist Chuck Millhuff . . . seeks by every legitimate means to establish communication with youth. He does not patronize to them; he does not talk down to them."
mind that explaining that patronize means
"talking down to" is itself the height of patronization.
By holding revival sessions with young people, Millhuff achieved the impossible-- establishing contact with the elusive "youth." The next step: communicating to them the evils of make-up and "reading the funnies on Sunday."
You Asked For It collects
questions posed to Millhuff by young people from around the country.
He addresses controversial issues such as whether boys and girls
should sit together in church, how taking a car to college often
results in students dropping out, and why you shouldn't "read the
funnies on Sunday."
In a typical response, he takes on the classic gotcha
it proper for teen-agers to hold hands in public?"
"Hand-holding is permissible within the bounds of reason. Kids do reason, don't they? What I mean is that most people, youngsters or oldsters, who hang all over each other in public look lame in the brain. Like morons!"
Other illuminating exchanges:
What is wrong with a good religious movie?
"You wouldn't dig through a heap of garbage for one little piece of hotdog."
How do you get a boy you like to date you?
"Remember, attractive wholesomeness takes a good deal of effort. It involves combs, brushes, baths, oils, perfume, irons, razors, files, lotions."
Should I have school friends who are
your unsaved friends come to your activities, this is right. If you
go to their worldly doings, the relationship becomes wrong."
Do you approve of high school sororities?
"Sororities are, as a rule, little cliques of snobs who tilt their little noses in the air and prance about in front of the less fortunate."
Is it okay to write to your
However, do not write anything you would not want others to see."
What should you do if you are unpopular in school?
"Don't blow your own horn. Polish it and someone will blow it for you."
What should I do if I get pregnant before marriage?
"Let's start with what not to do. Do not run away. Do not run off and be married. Do not consider an abortion. Do not tell a soul in your circle of friends. And I mean don't tell a single one."
Millhuff's longest, most detailed response comes to the question "How old should you be to date?"
This chart illustrates the obvious answer: 16.
You see, the natural lapse of time between "first
date and sex act" is about four years. This means you should wait 16 before developing an interest in romance. Then, date in groups. In steps, advance to hand-holding ("This
satisfies to some extent, but with time it grows to be old stuff"),
and, when you're ready, to "an arm or shoulder around the waist."
The first embrace should follow, and then, much later, the kiss. After this comes a
dangerous game he calls "Can You Top This?"
"Dangerous explorations are made . . . Not just hands, arms, but often the whole body is caressed . . . The pace moves at blinding speed. Sexual climax is often talked about, and at times even experienced."
Finally, around age 20, when you are safely married, you're ready. As Millhuff puts it, "The end of the line is reached in an ultimate experience of sexual intercourse."
"End of the line"? "Ultimate"? Enjoy, because it's going to kill you!
based in the Midwest, Millhuff still hosts revivals. Apparently, he considers the internet one of those
"legitimate means" to establish communication with the youth.
Visit www.millhuffministries.com, and you'll find fresh, youthful slogans like "Chill out with Jesus! I do!" and the boast "THIS IS NOT YOU FATHERS OLDSMOBILE THIS IS AN APPROACH TO THE REVIVAL MEETING THAT IS AIMED AT CENTURY XXI!"
Sadly, these days he seems better at establishing communication than actually communicating. Clicking on the link "What's Happenin'" opens a page with just two words: "Being Written."
To his credit, he spells "being" with the "g."
The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.