Swine Flu PANIC Reaches White House!

One of Obama's aides has apparently come down with a SSF (suspected swine flu). After accompanying the President on his recent Mexican trip, the unnamed aide exhibited flu-like symptoms -- though he has recovered since -- and passed the illness on to his family members, who are being tested for the now famous disease. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs assured reporters that the aide did not ride in Air Force One and never came within six feet of the President. (Good thing for him -- Secret Service agents are trained to throw themselves in the path of an oncoming virus.)

Meanwhile SSL has spread to Gilroy, California, the Puget Sound area, El Paso County, and Lord knows where else. Forth Worth has closed all its schools. Newspapers continue to helpfully suggest citizens wash their hands ("Wash for at least 20 seconds. Sing 'Happy Birthday' twice in your head or hum the theme to 'Jeopardy!'") and stay home if they feel sick.