5 Ways to Maybe Get People to Watch the Tony Awards
So why stick with the status quo? Here are five changes we propose to get everybody more excited about the show. We know they're last-minute, but the Tony people can handle it -- that's what's so wonderful about show people! Plus, they smile when they are low! Five six seven eight:
1.) Neil Patrick Harris comes out as straight. It was nice, even brave in a small-screen way when he came out gay. Now he should really fuck with people's heads and walk on wearing sunglasses and a scraggly beard and -- you can hear the astonished front-row murmurs already -- dressed badly. As cameras nervously follow, Harris will stalk the stage drinking a tall Bud and deliver a long rambling monologue about how he had "mistaken bromance for love," and then announce his engagement to Jessica Biel, followed by a promo for Powder Blue. Must-see TV! Bloggers will be all over it: "We never believed that gay thing for a second. That guy he plays on 'How I Met Your Mother'? Total ladies man -- just like Bulldog on 'Frasier.'"
2.) Previews! We have no idea why no one thought of this before. Let's see snippets of upcoming productions, such as The Duchess of Malfi starring Vin Diesel, and the musical version of An Inconvenient Truth with Alec Baldwin as Al Gore and Nathan Lane as the Polar Bear.
4.) Best Choreography award settled not by votes, but in a dance-off! Winner determined by elimination as four nominees admit that they're just overcompensating for something and should let go of the past.
5.) Dolly Parton wardrobe malfunction.