Perez Hilton Posts Video, Claims Assailant is "Polo," Fergie "Fugly"; Weeps

Perez Hilton has posted a video statement concerning his alleged assault by will.i.am, and has done so, ominously, under his "legal name," Mario Somethingorother. "Violence is never the answer, ever," he philosophizes, "another person should never be hit, that's why people die," before giving his side of the story at annoying length, during which no assault by will.i.am is described.

Hilton says his night of horror began when a member of the BEPs' entourage "went like this" (pushes out chest) to him, which he described as "very macho" and "aggro." He expresses disbelief that people were so upset over him calling Fergie "fugly."

As he was leaving the club Cobra, he recounts, will.i.am approached and told him to "do me a favor and never write about my band on your web site again." Hilton admits to calling him a faggot as an alternative to getting into a fight, which in our experience is the opposite of how these things work.

Then Hilton says BEPs Manager Polo (?) "clocked" him. "I think my eye might be falling out of my head," recollects Hilton, adds "nothing like this has ever happened before," presumably meaning to himself, and calls the alleged assault "unprofessional," which conflicts with what we know about the music business.

Hilton also claims will.i.am et alia followed him and his friend Lady Gaga back to their hotel, which disturbed him ("What if one of these people had a gun?"). He advises us, if we are a victim of violence, to "speak out, because no one deserves that," tearfully thanks people who called the police and expressed their concern, and reiterates that Fergie is fugly. Well, guess that clears that up.

Update: TMZ got a shaky cell-phone video which (clears throat) raises more questions than it answers -- mainly "Why are we still talking about this?" and "I missed lunch, can I have a piece of your gum?"