5 Things To Ruin Your Thanksgiving

Categories: Featured, Holidays
thanksgiving.jpgFor us, Thanksgiving was pre-ruined by the grisly medical press releases we received over the past week, portraying the holiday as a menace. (And they keep coming! The Saint Louis University Medical Center offers "Surviving the Holidays: 10 Tips for Staying Healthy." Number 1: "Keep your distance -- For many, the holidays are about being close to family and friends, but Stephens recommends not getting too close. Cold and flu germs are spread through water droplets from your mouth and nose." Now at least you have a medical excuse when grandma tries to kiss you. Also: "Calories are not the only things lurking at the buffet table, germs are too." Thanks for making it special, SLUMC!)

But we're perhaps over-sensitive. To follow are the five things most likely to ruin your annual celebration of the white interlopers' cruel betrayal of their Native American hosts. Beware:

5. Turducken. We originally thought this gruesome chicken-inside-a-duck-inside-a-turkey was an urban legend, but apparently it's for real. "Turducken costs $75.95 each," says a Publix assistant meat department manager in Alabama, "but they're all seasoned and stuffed and ready to cook Cajun style." And it's recommended by Jeremiah Weed, "patron father of Jeremiah Weed Sweet Tea, Jeremiah Weed Bourbon Liqueur, and the recently introduced Jeremiah Weed Bourbon," whose palate is probably ruined from long days at the plant. Also a fan: WWE Superstar Mark Henry. "I probably could eat a whole one by myself," he declared. If they pitch this to you, turduck!

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