Cheek, in Review: 7 Days of Runnin' Scared

War on Christmas season swung into full effect. In a holiday spirit, the Staten Island D.A. tried shame on shoplifters. A GOP Congressman moved to read a pro-Christmas resolution into the House record. Andrea Peyser denounced the godless Bloomingdales. Thank Xenu for the Scientology Christmas Carol!

On the eve of Copenhagen, Mayor Bloomberg scaled back the greenery. His administration muzzled a witness in a homeless-housing dispute.

Joe Bruno went down: according to Tom Robbins, the jurors liked him, but not enough not to rule him guilty on two charges. Will disgraced ex-councilmember Miguel Martinez be next? Ruben Diaz asked: if Albany's going after Hiram Monserrate, how about Kevin Parker? Supporters of Kirsten Gillibrand invited us to wish her happy birthday, then demanded money.

Governor Paterson announced New York is broke. Now, bring on the laffs! President Obama caught the usual hell from rightbloggers. When he surged in Afghanistan, they accused him of trying to lose the war. Then Obama accepted his Nobel Prize, which they found ridiculous, even when he defended the war. No pleasing 'em, we guess.

As usual, Staten Island got dumped on.

MTA can't give us swingin' subway stations like Europe has, but they may remove two subway lines and 21 bus routes.

Two schoolmarms, undressed. Well, reported undressed. For the real thing you have to go to Lindsay Lohan.

Tiger Woods continued to have a hard time. We tried to help, and even gave him an alibi.

Also in sports, Allen Barra considered the Curtis Granderson trade, and Ward wondered whatever happened to the Jayson Williams case.

Mackenzie Schmidt identified the 14 Best Fake Twitter Accounts. Alan Scherstuhl found a Crap personality guide.

Someone Got Murdered on Monroe Avenue, Menahan Steet, and Clifton Place in Brooklyn.

Alison Benedikt saw The Lovely Bones, Invictus, and A SIngle Man so we didn't have to, thank God. Ward Harkavy went Page Six on the Bernie Madoff-Uma Thurman split. Tony Ortega wondered why a rich convict merited a Nightline puff piece.

Some shootings in The Bronx -- but you know guns only get the really big ink when they're toys held by the Speaker, or are fired at cops in Times Square.

Gay marriage was OK with Bruce Springsteen but delayed in Jersey.

The newly wintry weather was hard on us, harder on others.

Max Baucus sought a job for a deserving girlfriend. The Museo del Barrio went PC. A Brooklyn woman tried to kill her husband's love child -- with another woman. A lawyer open to "neutralizing" witnesses got 14 years. A guy working sickle-cell anemia patients for OxyContin scrips got 10.

Italian-Americans found a Jersey Shore they wished to close. The transit workers elected an insurgent boss. Plaxico Burress couldn't get a bye week. Jennifer 8. Lee took the buyout; Editor & Publisher and Kirkus Reviews took a fall. Moe Tucker lamented ridiculous New York rents.

We talked to photographer Joshua Wildman, Other Music co-owner Chris Vanderloo, Santa Claus is Coming Out auteur Jeffrey Solomon, conservative internet kingpin Andrew Breitbart, a lady whose drinking water underwent an unpleasant change thanks to gas drilling, a promoter for the Tavern on the Green's last waltz, and the founder of a cougar dating service.

Adolf Hitler got back in the papers. That's the kind of week it was.