Our 5-Point Plan to Save Tiger Woods from Ambulances, Porn Stars, Etc.
We have no PR expertise to speak of, though we did talk our way into this job and that has to count for something. Now that the scandal has become a clown car of degrading details, Team Tiger should a consider fresh approach, and we're just the outside-the-box imagineers to give it to them. Herewith the 5 things Tiger can do right now to stanch the flow of derisory ink:
1. Problem: "Woman Transported To Hospital After 911 Call From Tiger Woods' Home"
Solution: Blame the media.
Tiger should immediately issue this statement:
"The toll of constant hounding by the press has finally caught up with Consuela Jerez, our beloved housekeeper of five years. Consuela has been like a member of our family, sharing our lives, eating meals with us and joining our weekend games of Pictionary. We are also paying her four sons' way through Catholic school. She is a simple woman who has taken the media onslaught very hard, despite Elin's and my assurances that the stories are all lies or exaggerations. Today Consuela in her grief took several diet pills from Elin's medicine cabinet. She is expected to recover, and we hope everyone involved has learned a valuable lesson about devoting news resources to the private lives of productive citizens that should be devoted to covering our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan."
Update: So it was his mother-in-law. Just change the name, and the Catholic school tuition to frequent trips to the Bahamas.
2. Problem: "Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren moves out after reports of mistresses, according to site"
Solution: Blame the victim.
How many of you knew Elin Nordegren's name before this all went down? What do you know about her now? That she's pretty, and a woman scorned. That's a big plus for her but, as unscrupulous divorce attorneys have been proving for centuries, it leaves a lot of wiggle room for innuendo, suggestive of a failed marriage from which a heroic character like Tiger, in his simple star-athlete need, might understandably stray.
No need to be indelicate. Tiger can suggest his wife had grown cold to him, like Tracy in The Philadelphia Story. People love that movie. (And say, didn't Tracy break Dexter's golf clubs?) "My, she was yar" may not work -- too nautical. "My, she was a good lie" or "My, she was the Boss of the Moss"? We'll work on it. Then, accounts of years of drift, excessive wearing of sunglasses, and, finally, the dramatic confession that Tiger really injured his knee begging for sex.